- Chief Cliff Robertson: How did you know everything in advance?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Do you really want to know?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Yes! I want to know. I really want to know!
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Okay. I know because I've read the script.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: You - read the script. The whole script? All of it?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Yeah. Jim gave me the whole script.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: He only gave me our scenes. I never saw a complete script. After all - I've done for that guy. And it's a lot that you don't even know about. What a dick.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: What do you think did this?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: I'm thinking zombies.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: What?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: You know, the undead. Ghouls.
- Officer Mindy Morrison: Guys, shouldn't we be telling each other that it's all gonna be okay? That this will all go away, like a bad dream? Ronnie?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Gee, Mindy, I'm not sure I can say that.
- Officer Mindy Morrison: Cliff? Please?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: It's all gonna be okay, Mindy. Maybe it'll all just go away, like a bad dream.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: I doubt it.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Is our plan to inform people about the zombie danger before it gets dark?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: I guess so.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Because we passed Farmer Miller's place a little while ago, do we need to inform him?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Fuck Farmer Miller.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Oh ok.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: This is definitely going to end badly.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Shut up, Ronnie.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: No, you shut up.
- Zelda Winston: [when her two corpses sit up] So, the dead just don't wanna die today, is that it?
- Zelda Winston: [draws her samurai sword and smoothly slices their heads off] That's a shame. I had them looking so bonny.
- Zelda Winston: [serenely about zombies at the door] Well, look at all of you. So very ravenous, yet well past your expiration date.
- [draws her sword]
- Officer Mindy Morrison: She's strange.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: She's Scottish.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: She's Scottish?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Those are some pretty good cuts. You played some minor league ball didn't you?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Well, a little class a, it was a long time ago.
- Farmer Frank Miller: [to a horde of approaching zombies] Fucking trespassers! Kiss your asses goodbye!
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: That girl's part Mexican.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Hmm? Really? How can you tell?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: I have an affinity for Mexicans. They're, like, my favorite people. I love Mexico. I've been down there twice.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Okay, Ronnie, then you should be the one to inform them that if they're gonna spend the night in Centerville, to not go out and to keep their hotel room door locked.
- Hermit Bob: Goddammit. Ghouls. This is undead, reanimated, full on flesh-eating zombie shit, no question.
- Officer Mindy Morrison: Wow. The diner sure does the world's best coffee, doesn't it?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Yeah, but how can you drink it to so late? Won't it keep you up?
- Officer Mindy Morrison: No, I sleep like a baby. Except maybe when I know there's a corpse waiting for me at work.
- Theme Song: [the refrain] After life is over, the afterlife goes on.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Wow, that sounds so familiar. What is that song, Ronnie?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: It's "The Dead Don't Die." By Sturgill Simpson.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Sturgill Simpson? Why does it sound so familiar?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Well, 'cause it's the theme song.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: The theme song?
- Officer Mindy Morrison: Cliff, is that really Fern and Lily in there?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Uh, no. That *was* Fern and Lily, but now...
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Something weird's going on.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Yeah. Weird.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Yeah, this isn't gonna end well, Cliff.
- Hank Thompson: So, Frank, what makes you so sure it's Hermit Bob who stole your chicken?
- Farmer Frank Miller: Well, who the hell else could it be? That goddamn hairy lunatic, living out there all these years like a caveman. Like some kind of ghost. Might as well be Amish.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: This daylight thing is bothering me. It's strange.
- Officer Mindy Morrison: Well, what can I say? The world is kind of strange lately.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Yeah, it sure is. If you ask me, this whole thing is gonna end badly.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Farmer Miller says you might have stole one of his chickens. That happens to be against the law. Now, I'm hoping that it was a fox that did that.
- Hermit Bob: Up your hole with a wooden pole, Cliff.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: That *also* happens to be against the law.
- Zack: Flesh-eating zombies. You get a lot of zombies around here?
- Bobby Wiggins: That depends, I guess.
- Hermit Bob: I guess all them ghost people plumb lost their goddamn souls. Must have traded 'em away or sold 'em for gold or whatnot. New trucks, kitchen appliances, new trousers, Nintendo Game Boys, shit like that. Just hungry for more stuff.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Why did you do that? They're not zombies. They're just dead people.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: [holding a decapitated head] Well, yeah, for now, they're still just dead hipsters, but they haven't turned yet. It can take a while.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: He's right, Mindy. Now they're just - dead hipsters from Cleveland.
- Geronimo: A change in the Earth's rotation or its spin rate? That'd be catastrophic, for sure. All the cycles of the biosphere would be affected. The natural cycles of sunlight would be disrupted, plants wouldn't grow, wind patterns would change, and tectonic activity - forget about it.
- Fern: Want me to put that in a to-go cup for you?
- Farmer Frank Miller: [wearing a red "Keep America White Again" baseball cap] Nah, I can't drink any more of that stuff. It's too damn black for me.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Cliff, is the coroner from Latrobe gonna pick her up tomorrow? It's getting a little creepy being here alone with Mallory decomposing in there.
- Officer Mindy Morrison: You okay doing the whole night shift alone, Cliff?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Yeah, I can take a nap. I mean, I can just lie down in that other cell next to old Mallory.
- Officer Mindy Morrison: Oh, God. Next to her - her dead body?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Might bring back some old memories.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: That would be a little unusual, wouldn't it, Cliff?
- Zelda Winston: Well, this is a highly unusual situation we're in, is it not, Chief Clifford Robertson?
- Zoe: Nice shirt. Nosferatu.
- Bobby Wiggins: Yeah.
- Zoe: It's really cool.
- Bobby Wiggins: Thanks. I make 'em.
- Danny Perkins: They just checked in. Hipsters from the big city.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Yeah?
- Danny Perkins: Yep. My educated guess would be Pittsburgh. They got that urban style, you know.
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Oh, well, those plates are from Ohio, so my educated guess would be Cleveland.
- Bobby Wiggins: Oh, that's a really good CD. Sturgill Simpson, "The Dead Don't Die."
- Zoe: Yeah, I know. I love this song.
- Bobby Wiggins: It's a super cool ride, by the way. Very, uh, George Romero.
- Jack: Yeah, it's a classic.
- Zoe: Your film knowledge is impressive. What's your name?
- Bobby Wiggins: Bobby. Bobby Wiggins.
- Zack: What's that? Bobby Baggins?
- Chief Cliff Robertson: So, Ronnie, how the fuck do you kill a zombie?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Well, you got to kill the head.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Kill the head?
- Officer Ronnie Peterson: Yeah. By any means necessary, kill the head. Decapitate. It's the only way to kill them.
- Chief Cliff Robertson: Jesus!
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