Blackbird

I watched this film on line a few days ago and really struggled to watch it all the way through, though I did spend some of the time playing a card game on my phone.

It is essentially a series of poorly executed cliches more stolen than 'based upon' old movies. The acting ranges from disinterested to awful and the experience left me surprised that I couldn't even laugh at it. Just bad.

I note that 5 reviews award it 10/10. Mmmm. I quite liked the Austin Powers movies, but I hadn't realised they were masterpieces until I half-watched this.

I hadn't realised until afterwards that Mr Flatley had produced this as a sort of 'vanity project', but that does go some way to explaining the inexplicable heroism and misogynism on display here.

The strangest thing about Michael Flatley's 90-minute animated selfie is how dated it is. A sort of action-free action remake of Casablanca is one thing, but Flatley hasn't moved on (in 2018) from servile magic black men, skinny women whose job is simply to appear nearly naked, high-stakes Texas hold'em (ffs that was old in 1999), and indeterminately Middle Eastern bad guys.

Eric Roberts can't seem to manage his teeth, the hotel singer cannot speak intelligibly - I don't think this is a disability-opportunity casting - and never mind Flatley's stupid hats; he must have been measured for his clothes before a particularly self-indulgent Christmas.

Like Claude Rains channelling William Shatner as depicted by George Galloway.

If it was fast-moving, it might be approaching hilariously bad, but it's slower than a wer Sunday in Rosscarberry.

This movie is genius. Eric Roberts get drunk, it must be filmed in order because he does get worse every scene. I am surprised he is able to stand up at the end.

And oh my word, the end. It is incredible. Which is great because for most of the film absolutely nothing happens. The only things to keep you interested on the way through are Michael's hats, they are incredible. How they manage to stay on defies physics. It is worth getting through the 90% boring nothingness just for them, and his outfits.

Now back to the ending, no spoilers here. Just imagine the ending of usual suspects, at the boat yard. Now remove anything interesting, sensible or intelligent and this gets close to what we have here.

When Flatley was writing this, I think he struggled with anything long enough to be considered a sentence. I think he just copied and pasted anything from generic love sick back story. But it does get ridiculous, and supper funny.

The cinematography is great, who ever did that was wasted on this film. So eight stars for them. But -10 for Flatley's overt racism, and general incompetence.

Also my heart goes out to all the poor young beautiful actresses that Flatly forced into this movie. With the ridiculous outfits he made them wear, made get naked in front of and even kiss Granddad in this movie. I really did feel sorry for them. But mostly I felt for their safety.

However, I laughed so hard at the end, so I can't give it just one star. I will watch that again whenever I need cheering up.

OK, I've watched this so that you don't need to.

Rather than review this on here, I'd encourage you to chase up Mark Kermode's rant. Not only is Kermode on sparkling, witty form, but he also tells you all that you need to know about why you shouldn't watch this. And let me just qualify that: ever.

Kermode said: "It's not just bad - it's eye-wateringly awful. There are scenes in this that Tommy Wiseau, who made The Room, would have said, 'I'm sorry, that's actually not up to snuff - we're going to have to take that out ... This is not cinema; this is something so staggeringly self-regarding. I've seen a lot of very bad performances, but this is in a stratosphere of his own."

This review doesn't contain spoilers, because they would add nothing to what is already spoiled beyond repair.

I'll make this brief as others that liked it more have gone into good detail. Indeed its a peacocks view of himself. Flatley should never write/direct again unless he's directing choreography. I kept up hope that a Bogart or Bond type would appear but alas, nothing but poor acting & campy attempts trying to move a poorly done movie to the grave. Even Eric Roberts has lost his craft & devolved into becoming a caricature of a bad guy. The great looking women were the only redemption.

Now, the hat.... Why did no one tell Flatley to fix the hat? He chose to wear it like a "gay blade" or a runway model & not like the former 'badass agent' he was supposed to be.

I rated this generously bc of the great looking women, especially the singer.