- Laura Hollis: Hi, I'm Larua. These are my friends, and we'd be thrilled if you abandoned your plans to gruesomely murder us.
- Laura Hollis: So, we are gunna figure out who or what is doing this, and then we are gunna...
- Carmilla Karnstein: Gruesomely murder them.
- Laura Hollis: Stop them.
- [Carmilla rolls her eyes]
- Laura Hollis: [Reporting the news] A scandal brewing tonight on the steps of the capitol, as the president who, last month, was revealed to be an as-yet unidentified species of lizard creature with very small hands, refuses to produce his long-form hatching certificate.
- Laura Hollis: Do we really have to do this Nightmare on Elm Street crap?
- Elle: Fine.
- [Changes her knife into a teapot]
- Elle: Let's speak as reasonable women.
- Laura Hollis: If this goes Romeo and Juliet on us, I'm totally going to haunt your ass.
- Carmilla Karnstein: Of course you are.
- [Carmilla kisses Laura]
- Emily Bronte: Hiding Something? How could we possibly?
- Melanippe Callis: What's behind the door?
- Charlotte Bronte: Why should that concern you?
- Melanippe Callis: Maybe I don't like surprises.
- Charlotte Bronte: You look like a women who can cope.
- Carmilla Karnstein: [Carmilla eyeing Laura in her ball gown] Forty minutes to get you into that, huh? Bet I could get you out of it faster.
- [Kisses Laura with passion]
- Laura Hollis: We're going to be late for the ball.
- Carmilla Karnstein: So let us be late.
- Elle: A trap. You aren't serious?
- Carmilla Karnstein: Vampire, warrior... journalist. I like our chances. Let's have a little chat about taking things that don't belong to us.
- Elle: You first.
- S. Lafontaine: I'm calling it. This place is totally haunted.
- Lola Perry: You don't know that! Maybe it's just... creaky.
- Wilson Kirsch: [Jumps in fear and drops sandwich] Oh man, we killed my sandwich.
- [Picks sandwich up off the floor]
- Wilson Kirsch: Too tee abal too tee! Five second rule.
- [Takes a bite of the sandwich]
- Melanippe Callis: Have we or have we not had multiple conversations about not wondering away in the haunted house?
- Wilson Kirsch: I know. It's just the ghost ladies are so nice. And you know how I feel about leftovers.
- Melanippe Callis: Kirsch, if your stomach gets me dragged into some kind of black-girl-dies-first bullshit... I am going to come back from the dead and haunt your bar fridge.
- Emily Bronte: Hello, Miss Karnstein.
- Carmilla Karnstein: Hello... wait. I know you. How do I know you?
- Emily Bronte: Oh, dear. Well, this is awkward. We imagined you'd recall...
- Charlotte Bronte: Killing us.
- Lola Perry: [Reading off a check list] Have you been in close proximity to any vampires or vampire by-products in the past two or three months?
- Carmilla Karnstein: Oh, you mean when a Sumerian goddess turned me again last week? Must've slipped my mind.
- Lola Perry: I see the sarcasm hasn't suffered.
- Carmilla Karnstein: You're wearing my brooch.
- Laura Hollis: Oh, Carm.
- Carmilla Karnstein: Did I scare you, my pet?
- Laura Hollis: You think? Sneaking around dressed like Lizzie Borden? Wait, why are you dressed like Lizzy Borden?
- Carmilla Karnstein: You mustn't be afraid.
- Laura Hollis: Why would I be afraid?
- Carmilla Karnstein: We shall die as lovers may. Die together... So that we may live together.
- Laura Hollis: So what has our Carm been up to as a living breathing human? She's definitely taking advantage of the old vampire trust fund. Bakery based gluttony, check. Sun tanning sloth, check. I-have-a-pulse-now lust, check. Well... Actually, I can't really complain about that last one.
- S. Lafontaine: [Holding up a monitor] This is Carm, and she's, well dead. Except...
- Lola Perry: Except the resurrection spell is still running inside her, making her a living human.
- S. Lafontaine: It makes her heart beat, hair grow, and all the other things a regular human body does.
- Laura Hollis: Yeah, like a magic battery.
- Carmilla Karnstein: I thought we agreed we wouldn't call it that.
- S. Lafontaine: My vote is still with, Life Force.
- Carmilla Karnstein: No, that's even worse.
- Lola Perry: Oh! What about, um, what about your spark?
- S. Lafontaine: Hm... Does work pretty much like an ignition.
- Lola Perry: Spark it is! Spark, spark, spark.
- Carmilla Karnstein: I hope you're enjoying yourself.
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