- Maureen Murphy: Penthouse has Pets of the Month - and I didn't understand why they were called pets, 'til I noticed my dog in some of the same positions.
- Maureen Murphy: Women don't have enough role models. We have Cyndi Lauper, we have Madonna, we have Prince...
- Johnny Carson: Despite the pilots' strike, and... I don't want to say where they're getting their pilots, but today - today they propped up Howard Hughes in the cockpit with a scarf.
- Johnny Carson: The Nuclear Regulatory Commission voted today to open the Three Mile Island reactor. Wow. That's - that's the best news I've heard since The Gong Show was reissued on videocassette.
- Johnny Carson: [on Chevy Chase turning 40 since his last appearance] That is one of those, uh... milestones in a man's life. How do you - how do you feel?
- Chevy Chase: Much, uh, much... much larger, in ways.
- Maureen Murphy: I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be tough, I'm trying to think like a man. 'Cause men can be anything - even women. I don't know why a man would want to be a woman, because he has to undergo that terrible, painful cut... in salary.