Apocalypse Rising

Terrible,, cheese monkey,,, you know when you've been tango'ed. Whaaaaaa. it's a slap to the face and the big fellea runs off down the street. Takeing your sanity with him as you wounder why the hell did I even press play....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

I mainly wrote this because my first thought after watching this glorious mess was that whether or not it was trying to be ironically terrible, it was still better than Fox's last Fantastic Four movie - I would rather have given someone that $20 to kick me in the groin repeatedly with a boot covered in syphilis riddled rusted razor blades than to the theatre I paid to take in that steaming pile. I gave this a 2 because it provided mild amusement that I loathe myself for. I couldn't tell if this knew it was horri-awful, and was going for that, but it certainly was, and definitely got there, intentionally or not. I think this would be a real beauty on a night where you look to set a personal best in edible dosage.

"Apocalypse Rising" is a mash-up of every sci-fi, barbarian lore, future funk house, b-movie, kitchen sink story imagined between the 70's and now. Obviously though only the moments considered by genre fans to be the epic ones. Wolk clearly lives the life of mixed sci-fi storytelling. Every scene and every word muttered is meant to invoke the spirit of past b-movie , cult classic, drive in movie moments we all fawn over. But you know the saying "If everyone is Han Solo then no one is Han Solo".

The scenes seem stripped of substance , and feel chopped up. There is no real dialog that allows for a natural flow from moment to moment. Each sequence is trying to be as big and as epic a moment as the last, but unfortunately they seem absurdly strung together and the intent gets overpowered by the ridiculous. Not that there isn't some cool, entertaining stuff in this film, "Apocalypse Rising" just demands that you not only suspend disbelief but dive fully into insanity.

The CGI is quality and overall the special effects work in this crazy train ride through time, space, religion, aex, and the zombie apocalypse. I know right!? - all things to make you wanna check it out. The low budget was utilized pretty good which gives "Apocalypse Rising" a better chance at being enjoyable. Oddly enough though, considering how important it obviously was to dance around the porn-parody concepts, I would have found it a better movie if the writer and cast would have went all in.

Overall "Apocalypse Riding" is a full "fence-strattling" situation. The film is so absurd and yet so much....! It will have you shutting down in act one, or awe struck at the screen to the end. Still scratching your head, wondering "is this just bad, or so bad it is so good". Clearly no one involved was afraid to color outside the lines.

Really, you will thank me for it. At the beginning of the movie I was expecting the opening scene to zoom out to a cinema audience watching an awful movie but I realised that I was that audience watching that awful movie.

I had to stop watching.

Total and completta waste of time and money ( not much thankfully)