Raiders of the Lost Shark

So I'm having a 47 bad shark movie marathon and 11 movies in this one pops up, so I turn it on and got an instant feel of dread.

I've seen a few wild eye releasing films and to say they make the worst films is the biggest understatement of the century.

The whole hour and 10 minutes I was contemplating jumping off the roof of the Burj Khalifa, if I wasn't 11 movies in I'd give up on this marathon.

So what is the "movie" about? Unlike the name this product of hell has nothing to do with Indiana Jones but it's about a megalodon that kills people on the most shallow parts of the beach and sometimes it can fly, that's about it, if I would go into the plot I'd have to make stuff up because this thing doesn't have one.

The acting is worse than what you'd expect from a crime like this the effects are worse than birdemic and as I said there's no plot.

I swear I genuinely hope that wild eye releasing goes bankrupt.

I like trash movies. I like shark movies. So, being really spoiled by Asylum, I thought: Aww, come on, for just 5.99€, this can't be bad. Or... Can it? Well... Yes, it can. This is an amateur movie released on DVD. And it's so incredibly DUMB on so many Levels... There's minor things (Why is he leaving his socks on as he wants to join the hottie in the water?) to really, really, REALLY stupid stuff (Whats a scientist doing all alone in the middle of the woods?) and some stuff which will make you just shake your head (no blood in a decapitation scene, but when there's a flesh explosion they just take a bucket of badly done fake blood and throw it into the actors face)... The acting isn't present, I haven't watched it in English, but the German dub, so I can't say anything about the original voices, but the facial expressions are just... Ugh! German sincere is on the Level of "let a bunch of drunk people yell into an iPhone". Not even the music is any good. Uhm, have I mentioned the Shark is just a still picture? It's a PICTURE in front of a moving background. Yes, the thing can fly. For whatever reasons.

Don't buy this. Don't rent this. Don't even STEAL this, it's not even worth that. The only good thing about this movie is: It's only 60-some minutes, and at least the end credits song isn't THAT bad. Still bad, but it's the only light at the end of the tunnel.

So, y'all wanna see a genetically engineered, radioactive, flying prehistoric shark? Yikes. What's wrong with you?

Raiders of the Lost Shark kicks off with a terrible joke (that the German dub completely butchered, because, of course, they didn't get it).

And from there, it's all downhill.

They seriously expect us to believe a megalodon lives in a lake. A hip-deep, pathetic little puddle. And to "prove" it, they keep cutting to stock footage of a regular shark in the open ocean. Shoutout to The Asylum for the "inspiration."

For me, there' s a close race: Which is worse? The cringe-worthy amateur acting vs. The hilariously bad German porn-tier voice dub. Who wins? Nobody.

Another trash masterpiece is the "costume design." The guards' and cops' uniforms? Just cheap, one-size-fits-all shirts with iron-on patches. Done. The rest of the two-legged shark chow mostly wears bikinis. And the "varied" sets? Tiny rooms, empty offices, and about 30 feet of "shoreline."

The amature CGI and "practical effects" with Halloween store rubber limbs tie this mess of a movie together. When the shark attacks or routinely flies over land, it's always so blurry you can't even see the pixelated mess. Probably for the best.

This steaming pile of shark crap is only 70 minutes long, and that's more than enough.

BTW: Nothing on the poster is actually in the movie.

This movie is about a giant prehistoric shark that lives in 3 feet of water and terrorizes an island you can drive to. After flying out of the water to kill a guy, there's 5 hands on the shore. Was that comedy? I have seen hundreds of bad movies and this is definitely the worst. There is a review that says no nudity in the title but there is nudity.

Raiders of the Lost Shark (2015)

1/2 (out of 4)

People keep going missing at a local lake and a Professor believes that it might be the long lost Megalodon. A tragic event from her past makes her the perfect fighter to battle the large killer that is stalking the waters.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST SHARK is a really horrible movie but you've at least got to give the filmmakers credit for the title. It's a bit shocking that someone didn't come up with that title before now but there's no other spoof or connection to the Steven Spielberg movie. Not RAIDERS or even JAWS for that matter.

Obviously one shouldn't go into a picture like this expecting the work of Spielberg but there's really not too much on display here. I think there were enough campy moments to where you could get some unintentional laughs from it including some of the acting, which we will just say it's all that professional.

The special effect shark is really awful but I guess that is to be expected. He appears to change shape and form during every scene and the scenes of him flying are beyond silly. The attack sequences are also rather bad since the majority of the time people just go underwater and that's the attack. RAIDERS OF THE LOST SHARK thankfully lasts just under seventy-minutes and there is one good laugh dealing with the aftermath of a tourist seeing his girlfriend eaten.