Bikini Car Wash

I've a soft spot for the sort of films this tries to ape, puerile teen movies with questionable scripts and pop rock soundtracks (American Pie, Road Trip etc). This is by far the worst I've ever seen.

Direction that makes George Lucas look Kubrickian.

The writing is so poor, thatat one point in the 90 minute soft focus soft porn boob shot, a character actually utters something to the effect of 'nudity is fine, in context'. I'm adlibbing a little because i've scrubbed this from my mind already. My first review on IMDb, and already i'm hoping for better.

'All American Bikini Car Wash' knows what it is, their core audience and at the very least supplies it's namesake. Pretty ladies in bikinis for that montage intro & throughout. Problem is the wrapper containing it all is a bore. DV experience filmed adequately retains the simplicity of a once classic genre, but without any charm or nudity.

Las Vegas college student Jack (Jack Cullison) has a lost job, a strict father then fails his final. The professor will pass him though if he'll take over running his carwash for a week and turn a profit. Between Jack & best friend Vex (Jason Lockhart) the idea is hatched to hire ladies in bikinis which sees business boom, but not without complications.

Loose plot threads about lying, honesty is hardly interesting stuff and much the same said for multiple romance subplots. Dialog runs the gamut from adequate to flat. All the prerequisite characters types are here. A mildly decent main, shy gals, horndog and nerd. Girls on the cover are for real too (sans heavy photoshop or getting naked).

With a title like that, I wasn't surprised to find 'All American Bikini Car Wash' quality or lack thereof. I was however disappointed it didn't at all satisfy where it matters the most. Which left me to soak up the suspect acting, thirty year olds playing college kids weak drama. Stick with 92's 'Bikini Carwash Company' if you wanna see the formula done right.

I watched this movie with a friend who said it would be worth the watch because it had a respectable star rating( I can't remember what it was at the time) and several stellar reviews. At the time of me writing this, my first review, the star rating has dropped to 3.2 and popularity has dropped 372%. So it is quite clear that this movie is headed down into the 2's, which I consider generous, or maybe even the 1's.

I don't know if this dog is the worst movie I have ever seen, but I can't recall any that are as bad. I won't bother going into all the details of what made this a bad movie. That would take far too long. Instead I will focus on the redeeming qualities....... There that didn't take too much time at all.

After the wasted time I endured watching this dud I felt it necessary to check out these reviews my buddy talked about. To my surprise one of the reviews giving it a 10 was written by the writer himself. Surprise because he admits to it. But he also admits that he believes that to his knowledge all the other reviewers that gave it high marks were legitimate accounts. So I looked at these legitimate reviews and found that every one was a newly created account and every one had only reviewed one movie. Any guesses which one? This prompted me to make an account and add my two cents.

Two reviewer accounts created on the same day as their only review posted. Don't be fooled by the high rating on this stinker. Anyone with half a brain couldn't watch this without cringing. It's a complete mess and a disaster of a movie. Ot's not worth the time to write this review, other than to off-set the fake reviews posted by crew members or people directly associated with the movie. A closer look at the profiles of those that give the highly rated reviews clearly shows that the profiles were created to review this movie (likely created around the time of the completion of filming but months before the film's distribution). When reviewers have only been in existence for less than a year prior to the movie release and give it 9 or 10 stars, with that movie being the only movie they review, the numbers are inflated to reflect those higher numbers.

I felt cheated by this movie because not all the women in the movie appear topless. It runs for 90 minutes, pretending there is a plot, when there isn't as made obvious by the title of the movie itself. A review of 4.9 at the time of watching this film made me believe there would be some laughs at least. But there was not even one. Even the gratuitous display of boobs couldn't make up for what an utter waste of time and money this movie was for me. I wouldn't recommend this movie even if I was its producer and distributor. How do I write more to make this review long enough to fit 10 lines? Gosh, I think I am putting more thought into this review than the scriptwriters did.