- Stephen Colbert: [at the Republican National Convention podium] Welcome, citizens, to the 2016 Hungry for Power Games! Ha ha, beautiful! This week, in this arena, the Republicans shall prove they are truly passionate about one candidate: Hillary Clinton. They will do anything to stop her, up to and including nominating Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump. But Tribute Trump will not enter the arena alone, no. He has formed an alliance with Indiana governor Mike Pence.
- [falls asleep]
- Stephen Colbert: Sorry, I blacked out there for a moment. So it is my honor to hereby launch and begin the 2016 Republican National Hungry for Power Games!
- [bangs gavel; security begins to escort him away]
- Stephen Colbert: Look, I know I'm not supposed to be up here, but let's be honest: neither is Donald Trump.
- Jon Stewart: [after Stephen tells him who the 2016 Republican presidential candidate is] The guy from "The Apprentice"?
- Stephen Colbert: Yep.
- Jon Stewart: The guy who did a McDonald's commercial with the Grimace.
- Stephen Colbert: Same guy.
- Jon Stewart: The guy who filed for bankruptcy in 1991.
- Stephen Colbert: And '92.
- Jon Stewart: And 2004.
- Stephen Colbert: And 2009.
- Jon Stewart: THAT guy.
- Stephen Colbert: Yes.
- Jon Stewart: Mike Tyson's business advisor. That guy.
- Stephen Colbert: Indeed. Same guy.
- Jon Stewart: The guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth.
- Stephen Colbert: Yes. The guy who looks like an angry Creamsicle.
- Jon Stewart: Decomposing jack-o'-lantern.
- Stephen Colbert: Human-toupee hybrid.
- Jon Stewart: That guy.
- Stephen Colbert: Yes.
- Jon Stewart: A guy who looks like he's actually wearing a Donald Trump costume. That guy.
- Stephen Colbert: Yes. A loose-fitting one, at that.
- Jon Stewart: The guy who wrote, and I quote, "oftentimes, when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, I would say to myself, can you believe what I am getting?" That guy.
- Stephen Colbert: Yes. The same guy who said, and I quote, "I have black guys counting my money. I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day."
- Jon Stewart: That guy.
- Stephen Colbert: Yes, that guy.
- Jon Stewart: By the way, we wear them all night, too.
- Jon Stewart: The old Jon Stewart talked about politics and things like that. Me, I don't... Jeb Bush will be a great nominee. Everything will be fine.
- Stephen Colbert: Jon, it's not Jeb. I'm gonna tell you who the candidate is.
- Jon Stewart: Before you tell me, though, I'm a little parched. If I may.
- Stephen Colbert: Oh, you want to take a little tea in your mouth?
- Jon Stewart: Just a little something, just to wet the whistle before you tell me the nominee. So, before you say the name, if you don't mind, I wouldn't mind bringing liquid into my...
- Stephen Colbert: Because you presently don't know who it is.
- Jon Stewart: And I don't have any liquid in my facehole. So I'd just like to, if I may.
- Stephen Colbert: Yeah, sure.
- Jon Stewart: OK.
- [drinks from cup]
- Stephen Colbert: It's Donald Trump.
- Jon Stewart: [spit-takes all over Stephen] WHAT?
- Stephen Colbert: Do you have any awards or commendations?
- Barack Obama: Well, I have almost thirty honorary degrees and I did get the Nobel Peace Prize.
- Stephen Colbert: Oh, really? What was that for?
- Barack Obama: To be honest, I still don't know.