Sharkansas

Want to see past-her-prime ex-pornstar Traci Lords and once-promising actress Dominique Swain battling ravenous CGI sharks in a flooded women's prison? Who wouldn't? Unfortunately, Sharkansas Women Prison Massacre is not that film. The name Jim Wynorski mean anything to you? If so, then you probably already suspect that this isn't going to live up to the impressive title. Wynorski's movie doesn't take place in a penal institution, 'cos that would cost too much money; instead, it's set in a swamp, where a group of big-breasted jailbirds (dressed in regulation tight white vest and denim hot-pants) are on work detail when they are attacked by prehistoric fish released from an underground ocean by fracking explosions. Meanwhile, Detective Kendra Patterson (Lords) and her partner are on the lookout for the missing prisoners.

Even though the ladies in this film are well-endowed, their impressive mammaries are kept under wraps, the closest the film comes to delivering any nudity being a quick dip in a hot-tub, although the bikinis stay on throughout. As for the shark action, there's a lot of shots of dorsal fins sticking out of the ground as they burrow through the dirt (these sharks are as deadly on land as they are in the water), but not much else is seen of the fish. Not only does the film scrimp on the bare flesh and the sharks, but there's not much gore either. In fact, unless you're a particularly big fan of any of the 'actresses' involved, or a sucker for punishment, I would probably avoid this like a hungry great white.

Sharks again, really? This time Traci "Controversy magnet" Lords and Dominique "It almost looked like I was going to have a decent career" Swain star in yet another shark film.

When a group of female prisoners transport gets hijacked it comes down to them and the prison guards to team up to fight off the onslaught of "Wait for it" Sharkasaurus's. Prehistoric sharks that can move through land as easily as water! As you can imagine it's pretty dire and the distinct lack of budget cripples it. If you can't afford to make a movie about these beasties then simply don't!

Ironically the most famous performers in this film are the worst actors, maybe they just can't be assed anymore. Could you if you were in a movie called Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre?

The Good:

Couple of decent enough performances

The Bad:

WTF level cgi

Generic, clichéd, the works

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Every shark movie creator thinks that a giant shark can swim & sneak up on people in a foot of water

Men are non-committal, women are mysterious

Traci Lords should have stuck to porn

This is awesome, everything a good b grade movie should be except for being surprisingly low on gratuitous nudity given the subject matter.

Underrated movie methinks, i'd have it at least 2-3 rating points higher than jurassic world, i mean it's sh*t and ridiculous but at least it knows it's sh*t and ridiculous and doesn't pretend it isn't and didn't cost the GDP of a small nation to make.

The CGI is an embarrassment but that's OK cause you're too busy laughing at this movie jumping the shark by introducing us to prehistoric amphibious land sharks, the acting is a little better than horrendous which suits the tone of the movie perfectly.

There wasn't a great deal of logic or sanity in the making of this film, someone just said f*ck it i wanna make a movie about prehistoric sharks that are somehow also capable of swimming through land (no, i am serious really you need to watch this) and have them eat all these prison porn stars that are on the most ridiculous work release program ever.

Highly recommend :D

When a fracking environmental accident rips apart the earth's crust, the resulting hole lets out prehistoric sharks from underground. The sharks target a group of women and trap them in a cabin.

So, what is there to be said about this film? Jim Wynorski filmed in Florida, primarily because of the need for a cave, but also because his investors were Florida-based Cubans. He brought along actress Amy Holt, who has worked with Wynorski a few times, and included Traci Lords, who went mainstream thanks to Wynorski. Lords gives possibly her worst performance ever, and is cast in a role that really has nothing to do with the primary story.

I was not expecting much going into this film. I knew it was made-for-TV, and I've seen enough of Wynorski's work to know that his best years are long, long behind him. I had a little bit of hope because Tony Randel was attached as an editor and producer, and his name still carries weight. Randel brought along his daughter, Sofia Randel, who designed the main title sequence. That was canceled out by Traci Lords, who is grossly overrated and still somehow skirting by on her notoriety.

As cheesy as the CGI might be, allegedly it had even worse CGI the first time around and they had to call a second company in to redo it. Even the second company seemed to have a problem with continuity -- ground displaced by sharks in one moment is back in place the next. There were also legal complications, thanks to a meth-smoking production assistant. Never mind some of the plot nonsense, like the forced romantic moments and the so-called "first edition" of Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" (which adds nothing to the story).

The film has a few nods or homages, such as to "Journey to the Center of the Earth". Also, Wynorski has always loved "Attack of the Crab Monsters" and wanted to remake it. He has said a script was written, but Roger Corman "didn't want to do it -- he thinks too much of the original film to do a remake." Wynorski was able to sneak in a reference or two to "Crab Monsters" here.

The best anyone can hope for with these sorts of movies is that they are so bad they cross back over into good again, because we can laugh at how stupid they are. I'm afraid to say this one never crosses over. It tries, and the Asian jokes are funny... but it seems to expect to be carried by trashy women with big breasts. I suppose for some people that's all you need.

Wynorski's next film, "Cobragator", was also filmed in the same Florida town, though financially backed by different producers. So look forward to seeing some of the same sets when that hits your screen in the summer of 2016.

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2016)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Idiots and their fracking causes some prehistoric sharks to break loose and soon they are attacking a group of women (and their hostages) who recently escaped from a prison.

SHARKANSAS WOMEN'S PRISON MASSACRE has a terrific title for a "B" film and if you're a fan of the Roger Corman style of filmmaking then you know a great title can usually lead to pure gold in regards to people checking out your film. Director Jim Wynorski has always been one of my favorite "B" directors thanks in large part to films like SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2 and BIG BAD MAMA 2. Both of those films as well as many others are short, to the point and deliver cheap fun.

If you're expecting something like CITIZEN KANE then you should obviously avoid this. A movie like this is just trying to give horror fans some cheap entertainment and for the most part I thought there were enough entertaining moments here to make it worth watching. For starters, the entire cast are pretty fun and add plenty of entertainment. This includes Traci Lords in the role of a detective and we get Dominique Swain in the role of a the woman who fixes the break.

The exploitation level is rather low so if you're expecting gore or nudity then you might be disappointed. The CGI sharks aren't too horrible but they are still campy enough to give you a brief laugh. Basically if you enjoy these direct-to-video releases then there are much worse out there.