North Pole #101

I was never supposed to end up in the adult film business. My parents, farmers, were part of a very conservative Amish Mennonite group outside Toronto and taught me that the devil lived in the movie theater.

One hot summer's day when I was 16 I was sent into town to get a part repaired. Rather than travel home, turn around and come straight back, I snuck into an Adult movie theater and saw North Pole #101. I sobbed most of the way through and at the end jumped up with excitement and uncontrollable joy at the most glorious cum shot ever to behold. Until that day I had no idea what an adult movie could mean to me.

This movie changed my life, and help me find my true calling in life getting ram by 12 large black men in a moving van.

I will never forget this master peace!

This movie completely changed my life, 361°, that's more than 2 pies. It made me realize how much I enjoy Comedy SF Love movies, and that I should always try to be myself no matter what, because I'm so incredibly lucky... just think about it, I only got to see this movie through some friends of mine, and one friend of a friend of a friend of mine.

But man, what an incredible experience, I just fell in love with it instantly, mainly because of the review that cinnamon69 made. Which got me so exited, beyond words, I had to trim my review to under 1000 of them, the IMDb limit. His review, although spot on, still had me disturbed through to my core by the moving van scene... I mean, come on, did they have insurance? What color was the van and was it leaving or coming?

Leaving that aside, I said to myself, I have to see this someday, I mean just look at cinnamon69's review, it must be a really inspirational, funny, life changing movie... in one word: a hell of a good time.

And so I did go see it, it was like by design... let me just tell y'all how it happened:

Although I was not born in an Amish Mennonite family, I never got to know my parents, but I could still see the fun in that. As I was saying, I never met my parents but I'm fairly confident they are not from outside Toronto and I was not born in a moving van. But I did get raised by a big black family, amazing people, once you get to know them a little bit.

That being said, let's fast forward a couple or years, let's say 18, 21, something like that. So one day I snuck into a cinema, and never got out. That day I was trying to see the Titanic for the 11th time, that day. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, I just skipped the credits and, from the 3rd viewing on, everything after the board scene... so I managed to do it all in 24 hours. I'm really proud of myself!

OK, where was I?! Oh yeah, on the Titanic. So because the 11th time was in 3D, I got a free pass to see the North Pole #101. As many times as I want, but for some reason it had to be all in one seating, I had to keep my hands where they could see them and I should not be alone. I mean come on, who does that, no hands?!... I just had to use my phone a couple of times.

Anyhow, I was a little disappointed when I saw Peter North as the main character, when I knew for a fact that the role was written especially for Chuck Norris. So when Chuck did not appear in it, not even on the second viewing, I just had to find out why. So, after a bit of searching on the internet, I found out that he didn't pass the screen tests, they just could not fit him in the frame, no matter how wide they tried. Man, smart phones are so great. Nowadays you can get answers really fast about anything on the internet, just in a few clicks, or better yet fingering. I even saw a related article saying that the books will be obsolete in a few years... I mean who needs that much paper, and it's not even that soft, not to mention the environment impact.

OK, I got distracted, as I was saying, I was now on my third viewing, it really got boring somehow, I even noticed there were no subtitles. Man, that peaced* me off, as I'm not a native speaker of cunnilingus. I just had to use my smart phone again. Apparently that's a common language in some parts of the world, they even came up with a theory that explains how it evolved from sign language, some people get really exited about it... but I found it kind of boring. I mean come on, what am I, a linguist?! I've got better things to do with my life, so I enrolled for another free viewing of the North Pole #101.

Now on my forth viewing, I suddenly realized I had no interest whatsoever in this movie. I guess I could safely say it's because I have a pretty good imagination, or I #dontdrinkthatmuchordodrugs, or something, so... yeah, no use for it whatsoever.

After that revelation, I just wanted to see Titanic again, but there were no tickets left, except one in the first row, and I've already been there, last summer, so I decided to give North Pole #101 another chance, but I was the only one in the theater, and for some reason they don't allow that. I'm convinced it has something to do with the phone incidents. You see, I only had my Galaxy 69 on me... I know, that's lame! I knew I had to bring my i Phone 42, eh that's life.

So I just went home and... watched Titanic, I have a subscription to all the channels you can pay extra for, I told the cable company I don't need the free ones, I'm not that cheap!... So as I was saying, I never knew they made a Spanish dubbed version of Titanic. Increíble! Maravilloso! Titánico!

Oh, Que Hora Es?! Mierda... Ocho! Tomorrow I have to get up early in the morning, as always, but tomorrow is really special... there's a Titanic marathon, in Japanese, from what I've heard from the reviews it is really exciting, can't wait to get there.

Adiós, Sayōnara, I'll be back, A Missionary

P.S. If I've mentioned any spoilers I'm sorry, but can I still get my review approved? Do the IMDb review reviewers watch exclusively Mute and Horror movies? Thank you.

*theproperformwasnotavailable