Snow White and the Seven Samurai

Where to start? The movie is so bad. The budget must have been a few hundred dollars. You can tell because the lawyer of the big mafia boss, who supposedly is worth billions drives a Kia Soul! Fighting scenes were probably choreographed by elementary school kids. The story is ridiculous, doesn't make sense. Who writes garbage like this? The acting is so bad that the cast must have been taken from a pool of rejected actors who wouldn't be hired by anyone. Eric Roberts probably worked for free just to add another credit to his record of being the most prolific actor of all time. That record should have an asterisk (*) because doing garbage like this, which he has done plenty, should not count. All in all, there is not a single thing you can rescue from this awful waste of time of a movie.

I must hate myself, because this is my second film this week from The Asylum. I couldn't help it though... I loved that title and I like Quinton Rampage Jackson in The A-Team so I felt like even though this was almost certainly a bad film, that I just had to give it a try.

This monstrosity starts out with some just absolutely hideous acting as we see the patriarch of a crime family getting unceremoniously gunned down. After the he leaves most of his empire to his daughter Anya, her evil stepmother gets angry and vows to do something about it (See where this is going?). Anya (who's nickname is Snow White for some reason) is in danger as her stepmom sends Quinton 'Rampage" Jackson after her. The two get into a kung-fu battle because... why not? Anya is left for dead and the evil stepmother takes control of the company. This leads to her being taken in by a team of samurai assassins who train her in the ways of martial arts... you know just like the classic Disney tale.

This is a definitive bad movie that I couldn't look away from. It is a massive train wreck, but it is a train filled with sex toys and fireworks! Nothing in this movie works, but it's put together so that everything in this movie works. I'm talking the script, the acting, the sound effects, the tacky music they threw in. It's all bad.

Everyone had swords when clearly it would've worked for one or two people to carry them. I get the need for them because samurai is in the title, but they probably still could've made it work with far less. That everybody had swords and guns made nobody special or unique.

They tried really hard to put walking sounds into the movie. I don't know if it's just something I noticed, but it was even to the point that they were walking on carpet and the sound effects of them walking on concrete was being used. There were so many examples of bad audio that made the movie so much better that I am truly grateful for.

"I almost died, but I'm not dead yet." That's an actual quote from this movie. And that's not the worst piece of dialogue you'll find here. An antidote conundrum leading to this classic quote is unforgettable. There is so much more that make this movie so much worse. I have no doubt this is like one of those movies that you could watch again and find things you missed to make it even better than it was the first time. Only if you watch Snow White and the Seven Samurai again you will find to make it worse.

This is just...I don't know what this is. It's so, so horrendously bad and there were so many things to pick apart that I will leave the other reviews that have already done that to cover them and instead go in for the throat of some of the moments that stood out for me. Like why a young, newly inherited gazillionair woman, who knows her step-mother is a raving nutter and gunning for her would be walking around the street at night with a bloody great ring around her neck, instead of driving a car daddy surely brought her? And how have the group of Samurai, remembering WHAT Samurai are meant to be, graduated from Samurai school without learning the art of stealth...because I've watched a bunch of footy players in their boots run around on gravel and not made as much noise as these girls did sneaking across the lawn, and then don't even get me started on the three guards they take out literally right in front of them ("nice shot" indeed) in plain view of the other guards but who don't notice them lying right there dead on the ground next to them.

I do have to give a special shout out to the staggeringly bad acting of the step-mother, who only talks with her teeth clenched to show how very, seethingly, outrageously, angry, OR how very conniving and cunning and greedily gleeful she is; but definitely don't take your eyes off her because her expressions are the same for both situations so you might get confused if you're not paying attention. I gave one star for the thing that I thought was maybe the only reason anyone should watch this dumpster fire and that I hope was a deliberate attempt at a public service announcement via movie...the horrible budget version 'of with great power comes great responsibility'. In the scenes where the Samurai are teaching Anya how to "fight", the whole process is slowed down and verbal explanations are given that are pretty much exactly what, as Luna even says in one scene, are basic self defence. Each of these scenes are filmed as though they are attempting to show the audience, some basic and common sense ways to defend themselves. I don't know if that was the thinking behind it but it's like you're suddenly 14 again and back in self defence for women at gym class and it was that, and the work the women in those scenes put in that got the movie one star and the other was because it looked lonely on its own.

This movie is so bad that it is almost funny. I understand that this is very likely a low budget film, but even giving the movie that, it is just horrible. The acting is atrocious. The script is awful. The action sequences are unbelievably terrible. If the movie would have taken a bit more of an intentional comedic approach, the movie might have actually worked. The premise of the movie should have made for an entertaining and action packed movie. However, we were stuck with this. This has to be one of Rampage Jackson's worst performances ever. And Eric Roberts? This should count against you on your filmography.