Snow White and the Seven Samurai

I must hate myself, because this is my second film this week from The Asylum. I couldn't help it though... I loved that title and I like Quinton Rampage Jackson in The A-Team so I felt like even though this was almost certainly a bad film, that I just had to give it a try.

This monstrosity starts out with some just absolutely hideous acting as we see the patriarch of a crime family getting unceremoniously gunned down. After the he leaves most of his empire to his daughter Anya, her evil stepmother gets angry and vows to do something about it (See where this is going?). Anya (who's nickname is Snow White for some reason) is in danger as her stepmom sends Quinton 'Rampage" Jackson after her. The two get into a kung-fu battle because... why not? Anya is left for dead and the evil stepmother takes control of the company. This leads to her being taken in by a team of samurai assassins who train her in the ways of martial arts... you know just like the classic Disney tale.

This is a definitive bad movie that I couldn't look away from. It is a massive train wreck, but it is a train filled with sex toys and fireworks! Nothing in this movie works, but it's put together so that everything in this movie works. I'm talking the script, the acting, the sound effects, the tacky music they threw in. It's all bad.

Everyone had swords when clearly it would've worked for one or two people to carry them. I get the need for them because samurai is in the title, but they probably still could've made it work with far less. That everybody had swords and guns made nobody special or unique.

They tried really hard to put walking sounds into the movie. I don't know if it's just something I noticed, but it was even to the point that they were walking on carpet and the sound effects of them walking on concrete was being used. There were so many examples of bad audio that made the movie so much better that I am truly grateful for.

"I almost died, but I'm not dead yet." That's an actual quote from this movie. And that's not the worst piece of dialogue you'll find here. An antidote conundrum leading to this classic quote is unforgettable. There is so much more that make this movie so much worse. I have no doubt this is like one of those movies that you could watch again and find things you missed to make it even better than it was the first time. Only if you watch Snow White and the Seven Samurai again you will find to make it worse.

Now, from the movie's title and the movie's cover, I figured that this was most likely a mockbuster from The Asylum. Lo and behold, my assumptions were true. "Snow White and the Seven Samurai" is indeed a mockbuster from The Asylum.

I've seen enough dubious movies from The Asylum to be able to spot their movies a mile away. But there are actually the occasional good movie among the questionable movies that The Asylum spews out. And who knows, maybe "Snow White and the Seven Samurai" would be one such movie? And thus, I opted to watch the movie on account of it being a movie that I hadn't already seen. But I harbored no expectations to director Michael Su.

The script that writers Marc Gottlieb and Jacob David Smith concocted was actually not that bad, if you just look past the movie's title and take it for a random martial arts action movie that stumbled out of the 1990s. All that was missing was Cynthia Rothrock or Don 'The Dragon' Wilson.

Of the entire cast ensemble, I was familiar only with Eric Roberts and Anthony Jensen. The acting performances in the movie were actually fair enough, well aside from the over-acting put on by actress Gina Vitori.

The CGI effects in the movie were laughable. Especially the scene where the building exploded; it was so bad I had to go back a second time just to watch it again, laughing throughout it both times. It looked like something that was discarded in a 1990s computer game, because it looked too awful.

There is a fair amount of action and fighting in the movie, which definitely helped carry the movie a long way.

This movie is as cheesy as you would assume it would be given its title. So at least there was no surprise there.

My rating of director Michael Su's 2024 movie "Snow White and the Seven Samurai" lands on a five out of ten stars.

I kid you not with the heading for my review. It has been a while since I have encountered a movie so comprehensively bad that in almost no aspect of the creative process could they have done it any worse. I actually think this is a deliberate attempt to make a bad movie, with all the cliche's, shortcomings and well established nuances executed to perfection.

There is absolutely no point in examining any paritcular aspect of the movie; script, direction etc at all, because suffice to say, its on a level so convincingly bad that finding a baseline for comparison would be almost impossible. This film is the baseline for bad.. and yet, it isn't without charm in some weird and wonderful way, which is why I firmly belive this was a deliberate attempt to produce a piece almost as a mockery or monument (take your pick) to bad film making... and if you don't believe me just remember Eric Roberts has a 'cameo' so that should be all the convincing you need.

Anyway if your prepared to go in for the wild ride and have some fun, this could be the movie for you. I'm deadly serious with the score. It's a piece of movie magic no one should miss.

Hightly recommend.

This movie is so bad that it is almost funny. I understand that this is very likely a low budget film, but even giving the movie that, it is just horrible. The acting is atrocious. The script is awful. The action sequences are unbelievably terrible. If the movie would have taken a bit more of an intentional comedic approach, the movie might have actually worked. The premise of the movie should have made for an entertaining and action packed movie. However, we were stuck with this. This has to be one of Rampage Jackson's worst performances ever. And Eric Roberts? This should count against you on your filmography.