Assassin

After years of using IMDb, this will be my first review, and I'm gonna keep it short. I only wanted to review this because of the misleading 7.1 rating it somehow has, I honestly don't know how that's possible. This has to be in my top 5 of worst movies I've ever seen. I'm a big fan of Danny Dyer, but I'm sorry Danny, you were dyer. The acting was terrible from the whole cast, poorly written dialogue and totally predictable. There wasn't one moment in the film I thought was good, avoid wasting an hour and twenty minutes of your life and instead, go clean the kitchen, it will be much more enjoyable and rewarding when you finish.

Review: I don't think that you will be that surprised that I didn't really enjoy this movie. It seemed quite cheap and the storyline wasn't that great. Its about a hit-man (Dyer) whose been hired by the Kemp brothers to take out a business man who cheated them out of there money. While Dyer is scoping his victim, he falls in love with a club dancer who happens to be his victims daughter. When he finally takes care of business, her identity comes to light and she starts to put the pieces together to try and find her father's killer. The Kemp brothers don't like the fact that she is meddling in there business so they hire Dyer to take out the girl, which he is reluctant to do. They then flee from London so she can be safe, but they soon get hunted down so Dyer has to use his skills to protect the girl and his own life. It was good to see the Kemp brothers together again, after the brilliant Krays movie, but this movie was terrible. I predicted what was going to happen, right from the beginning of the film so the storyline wasn't that great. I've seen Dyer play these type of roles, many times before so his performance was average but the Kemp brothers were great. I found the girl quite annoying after a while and the awful music all the way through the film didn't help. At the end of the day, it's just your everyday Dyer movie. Poor.

Round-Up: After watching this film, I really can't see were the budget went. It's filmed around London but most of the scenes are in houses or in a nightclub. Anyway, I honestly think that Dyer going into Eastenders, was the best thing for his career because his movies are really poor. There's only a handful of movies that were really good in this genre, like the Business, Sexy Beast and Essex Boys but there isn't anything original coming from the UK. I rate Dyer for not going to Hollywood to try and make a big name for himself and he has kept true to his acting abilities but he has really hit a dead end when it comes to the movies that he chooses. I'm glad that they stopped bringing out all of the football hooligan movies because they were getting a bit tedious and there's not that much range for movies in that genre. The problem isn't only in the UK! We have hit the time of the remake in Hollywood which has made some of the big actors only take original projects. That means that we have a flood of new actors who can't really act or haven't got any screen charisma. Anyway, in this movie it really is the Kemp brothers who show professionalism and steal the screen. I just hope that they take on more projects in the future.

Budget: $3.5million Worldwide Gross: N/A

I recommend this movie to people who are into their English gangster movies about a hit-man who is given a job that he is reluctant to do. 2/10

Danny Dyer plays a hit-man called 'Jamie'... alright, I suppose there must be some hit men in the world called 'Jamie' - but for conjuring up a hard man character, let's just call him 'Marion'.

Marion kills people. And looks very sleepy whilst he does it. He might be moody. He's possibly hung over. Who knows? He doesn't like talking much. Because he tells his 'bird' "I ain't one for talking" (or words to that effect. Presumably to add to his moodiness?) At one point, he senses imminent danger. How? A seagull flies overhead. Perhaps part of his moodiness is talking to animals and birds? Anyone, before this seagull can shout "Watch it you mugs!", a spray of bullets. And old Daniel's stood there like he's just remembered he's left his front door key at home.

Meanwhile, The not-really-the Krays Brothers seem to think they're in the British answer to Michael Mann's 'Heat'. Maybe even 'Leon'. Unfortunately they come across as two blokes in a self-build borrowed from Grand Designs.

Some scenes have bad audio. (For example, there's a 'confrontation' on a street at night. The ambiance would have you believe it was chucking out time on a Friday night - yet for all this drunken cavorting noise, there's hardly a person to be seen. Anywhere.) Some have bad camera work/direction. Every scene is poor translation of an even worse screenplay. Seriously: 'Marion' kills some bloke with a plastic bag (The police believe it's some nonce engaging in a bit of auto-erotic asphyxiation - and the way Dyer does it, it might as well be. And we know the police think he died due to auto-erotic asphyxiation because they tell us about 4 times).

Dead bag man turns out to be the dad of some topless dancer who Dyer takes home for a bit of how's one's father. I've lost count the number of times this has happened to me. Assassinate someone. Pick up a tart. Oh no: They're related.

And then the two brothers in the Grand Designs house start getting wobbly because SOMEONE might find out. But Dyer - the professional assassin that he is - can't kill the tart, because he's getting his leg over. (Presumably he's not had much recently) It's easy to poke at Dyer - he is miscast, relying on some 'smell the fart' acting, but he's not the weakest link here. The script is just a cut 'n paste from every crap gangster/hit-man movie there ever was. The direction, supporting cast... all not very good at all.

Sometimes in video games or animation there will be poor dubber who phones it in, they sound very lazy or are probably just in the bathroom reading some paper. It's a truly rare case where an actor of a movie does this, the leading role even, in a perfectly soulless manner. The lead Danny Dyer just stands there muttering some lines with the expression range of one who suffers Botox overdose. Other theories include unworldly possession or he might just be a robot, that would be far more fascinating.

Jamie (Danny Dyer) is a poker-faced hit-man. One day he meets with a woman who turns out to be involved with his work. There is little acting to speak of, some supporting characters are decent, but almost the entirety of the movie is spent on looking at Jamie looking at nothing. He looks the same when he kills people, engages in small talk or meets the love of his life. Audiences at home are probably more vivid as they react to the unbearable stiff acting.

Visual is bizarre, the camera seems to be shifting from side to side for no reason. It would shuffle slightly to the back of the head when normal conversations occur or wobble from behind some object. There's also plenty of running or riding bike, which is fine to create atmosphere, but it feels unnecessary after the twelfth time. The script is so abrupt and random, it doesn't even explain basic plot clearly let alone convince the audiences that it has authentic relationship.

Soundtrack is a repetitive humming theme throughout the movie, and at times it blasts the volume for screaming scenes. People, especially girl characters, would scream so zealously in hope to prevent audience from sleeping through. Action is nearly non-existent. Forget about choreography, Assassin only stands there, equally rigid, and fires away. No stunts or believable motion like taking cover.

There is no aspect of this movie that isn't severely flawed. Beware, Assassin will kill your time. That pun is as cringe-worthy as the movie.

Every now and again, people ought to be made to watch a film like this, just to recalibrate their sensitivities when watching other, better, decent films. Everyone's favourite diamond geezer Danny Dyer is ruthless motor-cycle hitman "Jamie" who carries out a hit on behalf of the brothers from Spandau Ballet. Snag is, the man he bumps off has a daughter "Chloe" (Holly Weston) for whom he falls. The Kemps need him to top her too, but he fakes that crime and when they find out, are not best pleased - more hits are ordered and even the seagulls might not be safe! It's tosh from start to finish, this - the acting - especially from Gary Kemp as the menacing kingpin in a Prada cardigan - is almost as woeful as the writing, such as that is. The earlier ending (I think there are at least two) needs to be watched - it's actually quite funny and it all led me to swear never to criticise another Jason Statham or Nicolas Cage film again...