A Talking Cat!?!

I defy anyone to make it through this direct to video disaster in one sitting. I know I couldn't. There is nothing, NOTHING even remotely redeemable about this mess. Zero production values, a canned and looped music score that would be far more fitting for interrogations of enemies of the state, painful performances from has been's (WTF how desperate were Kristine DeBell and Johnny Whittaker in order for them to debase themselves like this?!) along with a talentless cast of young up and comers, and -the coup de gras- the most unbelievable "talking cat" effect you will ever see. This entire video (I refuse to call it a movie) is an endurance test for only the most brave of souls. Your rage will set in after the first fifteen minutes, and from there on out it's a battle of wills to see who will emerge victorious. Many have tried. All have perished. Consider this your only warning.

If you're hear now, you probably caught the "just released" Rifftrax copy on Youtube and you have many, many questions.

Unfortunately I don't have answers... except yes, that director does (soft)porn and yes, a few scenes really do play off as such. Honestly, the acting isn't the worst I've ever seen... or heard. At least most of the actors attempted to do something to be more than a block of wood with a coat of paint drying. Actually, the one I found the most humorous (or sad) was Eric Roberts (Duffy, the cat). All I can picture is Cinema Snob doing an impersonation of Eric Roberts playing a cat. Seriously, go watch Cinema Snob for a bit and watch Duffy again, it's almost uncanny. Too bad Eric Roberts' acting literally sounds phoned in (I'm really trying not to just copy Rifftrax jokes here).

The characters themselves are just two-dimensional and bland and they sterotype so bad that it's just painful to watch, especially the smart daughter, you just wanna whack her upside the head and tell her to stop being such a b**ch.

The plot never actually explains anything about the cat and honestly it comes off as some cheaply made Christian movie. I kept waiting for everyone to stop every five minutes to talk about Jesus and I thought for sure they would connect Duffy to Jesus somehow. Cheap also extends to the... I barely call it effects, but they are special. They animate this "mouth" on the cat and it is just a black circle stretched across his nose. You can see his real mouth around it! I would expect something like that for 1985, but 2013? Even Youtuber's with no budget have created much more convincing cinema quality effects. Though, I'm sure this movie had no budget either (Ed Wood or Harold P. Warren would be proud of this achievement). Oh, yes... I went there, but at least their movies were entertaining to a degree. Oh, don't forget about the occasional laser point or off-camera cat toy to get the cat to do what they need it to do, that's also entertaining to watch.

I also noted a few reviews not understanding how this movie is getting such great reviews. That's easy to answer, they're fake.

Now, a good or bad movie is subject to the person watching it, but there's a point when reviews are saying things like "better than anything George Lucas made" or "this is truly what modern art really is" or even "these are the greatest actors that have ever lived and breathed in all of time" (yes, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm not lying). The reviews are nearly as bad as the movie itself. There are a couple of gems who are probably being sarcastic as one in particular lists the director's softcore movies as if they were AAA-list Hollywood movies making billions at the box office, but still others hold the director in such high regard that they actually try to convince you this movie could topple such movies as 'Infinity War' or 'Titanic'. SOFTCORE PORN, people! Remember that! You don't become a major player in Hollywood on D-list softcore movies that no one has ever heard of.

So, go watch the Rifftrax version because it's the only way you'll be able to sit through this trash.

Wasn't sure whether to give it one star out of ten, or ten stars for the films pure lack of any sort of slot to fit it in to. For one thing- the soft porn style sets are not your imagination, the director, David DeCoteau not only makes gay porn- he also directs CHILDREN'S films. And uses the same sets.. makes me uncomfortable knowing children's films are also done by this same guy, under an alias company name "1313" on IMDb. Thanks Nathan Rabin, I KNEW it. You just confirmed my fears.

Soft porn music, lighting, sets... the crappiest special effects for the talking cat ever. Picture a photo shopped-style moving black "mouth shape" for the poor cats mouth- and a drunken sounding Eric Roberts as the cat's voice. The cat is neither cute, nor cuddly- the film does not use the cat pictured on the film's ad poster.

The film totally reminded me of "The Room" in it's weirdly quiet way. I was waiting for a character to waltz in and casually mention "didn't you hear? I have cancer.. Bye!" A million dollar budget?? Why? How? I wonder if some of their budget went to "hush money" to the child actors' parents. Wouldn't surprise me! This is one of those "you've GOT to WATCH this" films.

Inept beyond words. It makes the goofy Stakelander look lile "Shape of Water" . Music fit for a clown dance including honks and slide whistle. Bizarrely odd gesticulation worse than a small-town high school play. The talking-cat effect was done by a first grader. There was a baffling transition involving five consecutive shots of a car driving that lasted 75 seconds; just driving! The credits are in a class of their own. The cast does not seem to be high, but the production crew certainly was. The soundtrack included "la cucaracha" and "itsy bitsy spider", not joking. Monumentally, spectacularly inept.

Well, sure, I didn't really have much of any high hopes for this 2013 movie titled "A Talking Cat!?!". Why? Well, the movie's synopsis didn't really sell the movie all that well, and it seemed to be a questionable movie at best, and truth be told, having Eric Roberts as the voice of the talking cat wasn't really selling the movie.

But still, as I hadn't already seen the movie, I sat down to watch the 2013 movie from writer Andrew Helm and director David DeCoteau (credited as Mary Crawford!).

And this movie was bad alright, mark my words.

First of all, the storyline seemed like something that was written by a middle school student for a class act to be performed in front of an auditorium full of hopeful parents. Yeah, the storyline wasn't exactly riveting, nor particularly entertaining.

And to make matters worse, the cat shown on the movie's cover wasn't even the cat that was in the movie. The cat on the movie's cover/poster is an adorable and cute kitten, while the cat in the actual movie was more of a chunky adult cat - still cute though, as it is a cat. And to top it all off, Eric Roberts delivered the lines for Duffy the cat with as much gusto and enthusiasm as an inmate on Death Row. I was imagining Eric Roberts at the microphone with a 12 pack of beer in one hand and the script in the other. For all the people that they could have picked from, they chose that guy?

Well, the horror doesn't end there. And by that I mean the atrociously bad animated mouth they put on the cat when it delivered Eric Roberts' flat and monotonous dialogue. It was so fake and seemed like something taken out of a "South Park" episode. It was horrible to witness and such an eyesore.

"A Talking Cat!?!" is a movie that you shouldn't bother spending your time or effort on. Some of us suffered through the ordeal so you don't have to. Believe you me.

My rating of this 2013 abysmal movie settles on a generous two out of ten stars.