Tian ji: Fu chun shan ju tu

There is nothing worth to say about this movie, except, don't waste your precious time, not even when you could do it with a fast forward button.

Our movie channel just put it on the shelf for on-demand playing, and after hearing so much bad comments about it when it was on the big screen, I made it a challenge for myself to try to sit through it.

EPIC FAIL.

To the extent that you want to find a way to unsee it, but then you simply can't, because the visuals throughout were so colourful, or even rich, BUT WITHOUT A POINT.

I really wanted to give it -10.

I'm honestly not sure where to begin with this review, there is so much to say and all must be written. I think it best to begin with the positive aspects of Switch, since there is only one.

Pros: Switch is the most aesthetically beautiful piece of crap I've ever seen. Gorgeous women, gorgeous scenery, brilliant colors, cool technology/gadgets throughout the whole movie.

That being said, Switch should have been a music video, because Aesthetics aside, absolutely nothing worked for it as a movie, nothing.

Cons: - Switch makes absolutely no sense. - The locations are all unexplained and jump to one another magically without any means of transportation. You can't track who is where, where they are, or why they are there -- they sort of just ... appear in places all of a sudden. - There are very few fight sequences, and the ones that do exist are cliché, poorly shot, and not impressive. Andy Lau is SO underutilized. He mostly hits people with guns and shoots them. - The crazy sci-fi gadgets and technology are SO random, out of place, never explained, and frankly, ridiculous. - You never see who Agent Xiau is working for, who DOES he work for? WHO IS HE? What the hell is he doing?! - This movie would be better on mute.

Think of switch as a bunch of intensely poor, jumbled scenes that skip to one another with no transition or explanation for what feels like 3 hours. It's as if only Jay Sun, the director knows what's going on, and he's the only one who cares. I think each character in this movie dies like 3 times. It's really hard to convey how terrible this movie is. I had read all the reviews while watching it too see what other people thought and they all hit it on the head. This movie is a joke. A really beautiful joke. How did it ever get made?

There is literally no point to this movie! It's just product placement after product placement. I am not exaggerating. There's no cohesive story that I can see other than there is a coveted painting, the script is laughable, amateur, and melodramatic and the characters are caricatures. I started to wonder if it was based off manga, and when a kid started laughing maniacally in front of a fire, I knew this movie was ****, and it's not a case of not understanding the movie because it's too deep either. It really is just about the aesthetics, and if this movie has any stars, that's why. This was really disappointing! Andy Lau, you've sunk low!

Originally scheduled to be released last October but delayed due to problems with heavy post-production work, not to mention countless editing by the director, the end result is at best a patchy piece of work passing off as a Chinese version of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

Directed and written by newcomer Jay Sun, Switch is a high octane action espionage thriller filled with globe-trotting locations, an array of gizmos mostly in the form of Nokia smartphones, flashy Audi cars and a star studded cast including HK superstar Andy Lau, Taiwan's top model Lin Chiling (Red Cliff) and Chinese actors Zhang Jingchu (Protégé) and Tong Dawei (Treasure Inn).

You might think this is going to an exciting, jaw-dropping action extravaganza for the next 112 minutes but like me, your jaw is going to drop for the wrong reasons.

After a clumsy prologue which establishes the value of the famous Yuan Dynasty scroll Dwelling in the Fuchun Mountains, we are introduced to several characters - namely our hero, Xiao Jinhan (Andy Lau), a secret agent who is married to an insurance project director Lin Yuyan (Zhang Jingchu; while the villains include the generically named Yamamoto (Tong Dawei), an ambiguous agent, Lisa (Lin Chiling), a weird underworld leader, Empress (Siqin Gaowa) and a bunch of Caucasian thugs. What is supposedly an easy-to-follow, good versus evil action thriller becomes a hot mess under the hands of Jay Sun.

Obviously, Sun has no idea how to shoot an intense action scene or at least keep you on the edge of your seat. He prefers to jump from one scene to another without much coherence thrown in. Agent Xiao just propels from the ceiling all of a sudden. And why is Yamamoto so mesmerised by the painting? Oh we are supposed to believe Lisa is also carrying a torch for Agent Xiao. This is no music video mind you and it becomes increasingly frustrating to watch the characters as they spout their lines without much emotion and continuity. There's so much on the screen but everything just seems jarringly off. To his credit, Sun doeshave an eye for visuals; the production design is so rich and colourful, you are better off admiring the artistic touches instead of following the story.

This is an absolutely embarrassing gig for Andy Lau - just when you thought the charismatic idol finally has a chance to showcase his acting in productions liked A Simple Life and Detective Dee, Switch only makes him looks nothing more than a walking, fighting mannequin. Tong Dawei equally suffers as the tortured, psychotic villain with a laughingly bad white hairdo while Lin Chiling received the worst treatment of all, she ends up as a irritable moaning, seductive character.

Our palms turned sweaty when we watch Tom Cruise hanging off the skyscraper in Dubai; though we never really feel a thing for Agent Xiao when he fight off a few thugs and crashed his car in the grand Atlantis in Dubai as well. Sun tries to imitate even to a certain extent by engaging Hollywood stunt choreographer and 3D experts for this movie. Everything that worked in the Cruise vehicle fails in epic proportions for Switch however. It never picks up from the get-go and simply splutters all the way to the credits.

• www.moviexclusive.com

Switch; a flashy big budget modern day Chinese action flick starring Andy Lau that has a rating of 2 out of 10 stars on IMDb?...That rating can't be accurate, can it?...YES!...YES IT CAN!

It's really hard to believe how astonishingly bad this movie actually is unless you watch it yourself (which I'm not suggesting you do). But, check it out if you want a master lesson on bad filmmaking. Everyone involved with this production should be ashamed of themselves, and the director of this turd should be forever barred from filmmaking in the future.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Basic Story: various nefarious Chinese, British, and Japanese groups are all trying to get their hands on two halves of some ancient priceless Chinese scroll. Andy Lau plays a Chinese super-agent who's in charge of protecting the scroll, as is his "estranged" wife. They go about their business to try and save the day while perhaps falling back in love with each other along the way.

There are so many things wrong with this film that I don't even know where to start, so in the spirit of how this movie was made, I'll just rattle off some random incoherent thoughts as they come to me, and call it a day:

1. Nothing makes any sense; don't bother trying to determine who wants to obtain/protect the scroll and for what reasons. It's pointless and disjointed storytelling that involves lots of fake plots, fake scrolls, fake deaths, etc.

2. The writing, script, and dialogue are all beyond TERRIBLE! Nothing was lost in translation either.

3. The direction and editing are both epically bad. Watch Andy repel from the roof, then race across the desert, now pause for a moment to spend some time reflecting on himself in some Buddhist like swamp where he befriends a little girl for some reason. OK, enough of that; let's have another gun fight, car chase, etc.

4. The love triangle. Perhaps I wasn't paying close enough attention in the beginning, but the two leads are apparently still married to, and still love, each other...could've fooled me though because Andy makes for one of the worst husbands and fathers in the history of cinema; he spends his time brazenly flirting and fooling around with any piece of hot tail he comes across (particularly the main evil "henchwoman" who's in love with him) while he completely ignores his wife and child. I guess the point is Andy is eventually supposed to reconcile his love for his family vs. his love for the main hot bad girl, but, there is little reason to care about what he does in regards. I have never in my life seen a more poorly written and incoherently executed love triangle in any movie from any country in any genre!

5. Clichés, clichés, clichés; there's plenty of fat dumb obnoxious white guys, hot female Chinese assassins on roller skates/dangling from ceilings/on jet skis in wedding dresses, etc. Let's not forget the Yakuza, the evil deformed mastermind, secret motives by everyone involved, the ludicrous backstories, etc... This movie features every conceivable overused cliché you could possibly expect from an "Asian" film and then some!

6. I could go on, but why bother?....no one involved with this production seemed to give a sh*t about their work, so why should I?

On the plus side: Hmmmm. Well, this movie is often actually pretty to just "look at" if you aren't paying attention to the story or dialogue or acting; it does make for some great visuals & screenshots here and there. It's also good for numerous unintentional laughs, some pretty girls, and, it might reach legendary cult status one day for how bad it actually is. Other than that, this is easily the worst cinematic venture I've seen this year (2013), and there's not even a close second I can compare it to.

Bottom Line: I DARE YOU TO WATCH THIS POS!

1 star out of 10, and, that ain't no joke! It's quite possibly the worst movie ever made (particularly so when you factor in budget, actors/actresses involved, the modern global era we live in, etc)!