Dirty Blondes from Beyond

Dirty Blondes from Beyond (2012)

** (out of 4)

Is Fred Olen Ray the only made still turning out these softcore flicks for cable? This one involves two beautiful blonde aliens who are forced to Earth after a group of other hot aliens try to kill them. Once on Earth the blondes finally meet a rumored "man" with a "third leg" and soon there's sex going on everywhere. DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND isn't going to be mistaken for the work of Orson Welles but then again why on Earth would anyone come to this film expecting such a thing? This isn't the greatest film from the cult director but there's no question that he's at least a professional filmmaker who at least delivers a professional looking low-budget film. I think some of the best moments where are just unintentional comedy and especially the early sequence when the two blondes are talking about various subjects most people won't pay attention to because they're looking at the women's breasts. Neither Brandin Rackley or Jazy Berlin are great actresses and this here actually adds some funny bits as they speak their dialogue back and forth to one another. The line delivery alone is just so cute and "off" that you can't help but laugh. Once we get to Earth there's really not much story other than the ladies looking for men with the "third leg" and of course here is where we get all the sex scenes. The sex scenes themselves really aren't all that erotic and I must say that there's pretty bland compared to other films from the director. I do often wonder if Mr. Fred Olen Ray simply gets bored by this stuff. Either way, DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND offers a few good laughs and of course plenty of sexy women, which is what most people are coming for.

Why do 90 percent of the new porn stars need tattoos? Some of the most gorgeous girls seem to be covered with dark spider webs on their arms and lower backs. Jenna Presley, a "Wicked Girl" plays the part of a secret agent looking for the aliens. Director Ray seems to be straining to tilt the camera or hold it close around her virtual stamp collection of body imprints. Hot playboy model Erika Jordan plays the villainous alien with a permanent cartoon-like sneer on her face and just barks her lines out at people. The dialog between the nasty parts seems to ramble on unusually long compared to Fred Olen Ray's previous similar Bikini Girls From the Lost Planet, this opus heavily derived from Men in Black, Star Wars, and the low budget Surrender Cinema films that had erotic science fiction using less cardboard cartoon-like characters or artificial sounding dialog.

Well Alien may be a bit of stretch, when they look exactly like us (even with breast implants - looks like these things are chic all over the universe). Like the other two movies I watched (all from the same director) this does not try to fool as to what it is. "Solid" story (rock solid?) Hard as a rock? Wait the last one does not make any sense ... well not in the conventional way that is) - one might say. With many comedic elements like Agent Smith and Agent Jones - I'm looking at you guys - though mostly at the female of those two, very pretty.

The freeze taser/gun is sort of fun, the low budget (no budget) has everyone acting like they are frozen, while they blink as if their lives depended on it. But if you leave that aside, this is softcore to the ... core? I don't know, but what I do know, I've seen enough of these for a while now ... not to mention there are so many, it would become a life goal ... well nope, as fun as they can be, even or rather especially if you just watch the story (which makes them also quite short - no inuuendo or pun intended here)

Back in the day, one thing people used to do is flash past a certain channel on the dial to hope to get a flash of nudity on some blocked channel. It doesn't work that way these days but now we have so many channels with sexually explicit material (aside from straight porn Playboy type channels) though after awhile, you see a lot of familiar faces. Yes, it is like the old Hollywood studio system! I personally like Brandin Rackley, Christine Nguyen, Beverly Lynne and a few others of that ilk so the cast was promising. As someone noted, Rackley is a treasure -- she can act and is nice on the eyes. Nguyen is not quite as good of an actress, but is pretty good too.

Some of the more recent films of this type seem to have a bunch of bad actors who have really fake looking gigantic breasts. Jazy Berlin is one of the regulars in the newer wave of soft porn flicks that to me is the best of the bunch. She has the breasts, yes, but has some acting ability. We aren't talking high art here, but some of the new film (e.g., the one in a spa) are pretty bad.

This film is a fun cheesy knock-off on sci fi. The ship sets are a riot. There is enough plot to actually keep your interest. Evan Stone and the other guys leave something to be desired but are workable. The sex scenes are pretty good.

A good companion film to Housewives from Another World.