Fateful Findings

Seriously, how many Laptops did he smash in this movie?!?

Fateful Findings in a transmission from the universe of Breem Prime.

Language has evolved in a completely different direction. Characters speak abstractly in bold cryptic announcements, a strange tribal caveman speak. And even the film narrative is in a less evolved. Fateful Findings is a melodrama from a third world country inexplicably out of the Las Vegas desert.

The mystical new-age narrative has an almost primal, indigenous quality. A hacker shaman struggles to tell the "real" truth while always fighting off incredibly beautiful women. He's vaguely mystical himself, an inexplicably successful author and computer hacker who works on a series of turned-off laptops, frequently flipping them and spilling coffee on them in some sort of ritual. Breen also goes to see two psychiatrists, who pretty much tell him he's great and that his decisions are awesome.

The main trio of women are so ridiculously hot the only reaction one could have that it must be an alternate universe. The depressed eastern European wife Emily has a quiet pathos. The friend's blonde wife is stunning but struggles with the dialogue. The friend's teenage daughter, a truly desperate girl. And lastly, the "love of his life", the skinny blonde doctor girl, is also apparently much younger than him despite being older in the childhood flashback. Her main role is to stand there mortified while a very smooth looking looking older man plants sensitive kisses on her lips and cheeks (and get tied up in a van).

At hundred minutes, it rough, took me a few days to get through. I did find, after I got used to the caveman speak dialogue, that it was a sort of sad movie about fulfilling one's potential, failed marriages, true love and personal integrity. Or some kind of alien alien approximation of them.

It's not without it's cryptic appeal, there are a few real laughs and bizarre uses of camera, some baffling edits. A lot of bad movie detail. But it's also kind of a bummer at times.

The climax is a truly bizarre product of a disturbed imagination. But, also kind of satisfying. I almost wish more movies ended that way. Fateful Findings is a dreamlike, new-age look at air conditioned suburban angst of middle aged men and hot trophy wives.

The dialogue is that of NPC conversation from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

I watched the movie twice and honestly have trouble explaining what it's even about. It jumps from plot point to plot point without a fluid time line. And introduces new elements without explanation.

All that aside though, it does have memorable points. I recommend watching it with a friend or two just so you can recall how bad this movie is. I know I pull out references from this movie with the friend who have seen it.

If you like Trash Films, this is for you. If you do watch it, just know that when you're on your death bed, you'll look back and wish you spent the time watching this movie doing something else.

I mean it, this is hands down the worst movie that I've ever seen in my entire life. For every bad movie I've ever seen, at least I could follow their storylines and there was some inkling of competence put into them. This movie doesn't even feel presentable, especially given the fact that it was released at a film festival. Although regarded as a "so bad it's good" flick, I do not feel that way as this film is so frustrating to sit through.

I don't even know how to describe the storyline as the movie jumps around from one plot point to the next, and not even in a coherent way. At first it seems to be about a boy named Dylan who develops these mystical powers from some black cube and soon uses them to hack into government databases as an adult, but then it constantly shifts between Dylan's friends subplots about these stupid marital dilemmas, Dylan's girlfriend's drug addiction, and even these disjointed misadventures with his childhood friend. The movie doesn't even really develop many plot points; the drug addiction plot point is barely looked upon, a teenage girl having a crush on Dylan is never bought up, and when Dylan's friend Amy shoots her husband Jim, we never see them ever again. Hell, even whenever Dylan goes back to hacking the government, I always forget it all happened, further proving how disjointed and confusing the "narrative" really is.

Adding on to that, the acting is incredibly wooden, and even saying that is an understatement. I guess the film's director could only use his friends for this, but couldn't he have at least tried to make them believable? When they're not failing to rise above being robotic, they either yell at the top of their lungs, or speak at such a monotone level that it's enough to make you fall asleep. However, the worst performance comes from the movie's creator Neil Breen, who plays Dylan himself, and does it so poorly that it's depressing to watch. At least Tommy Wise is so oddball ridiculous to look at and watch that his atrocious acting is delightful to sit through. Neil Breen doesn't rise above being blander than rice cakes and having less emotion than Bella from Twilight. When the best performance comes from a doctor at a meeting, there's a problem.

In terms of other aspects, I guess the cinematography and music are ok, but they reuse the same track over and over again, there are many long shots that don't even have much of a purpose to be there, and the effects are so obvious that even Birdemic had better effects. Oh, and there are a few times when the movie uses a green screen....not even gonna bother stating how obvious it is. I know this was made low budget, but if you can't even make your green screen look good, what's even the point?

To sum it all up....sigh.....no, I'm done. I'm done with this movie, I will never look back at it for the rest of my life. The story is incoherent, the editing is a mess, the characters are blank slates, the acting is worse than any Razzie Award winners, the cinematography and effects are at amateur level, and just everything about it is so poorly done that it's not even funny, it's just sad. If you find this movie ironically funny, good for you, but you will never hear me laughing at this movie, or even watching it anymore because it's that incomprehensible. Honestly, it would be better if you just slammed your head against a wall for 90 minutes instead of watching this, because at least then you'll leave more of an impact on that wall than Fateful Findings ever left on the history of cinema.

I absolutely loved this movie. Funniest comedy I've seen in while. I couldn't control myself. Watch with friends!