- [the Critic's phone rings]
- The Nostalgia Critic: Hello?
- Turrell: Greetings, you pathetic pile of man-animal!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Mom?
- Turrell: Oh, you may have evaded intergalactic law, rat-brain... but you've not evaded me!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Mom, have you been drinking again?
- Sad Panda: Film Brain, you look like you heard two people having sex.
- Film Brain: How would you know?
- Sad Panda: I'm French. We know.
- The Nostalgia Critic: What do you think, Doc?
- Sad Panda: "Juno" is overrated.
- The Nostalgia Critic: I mean about Spoony.
- Sad Panda: Spoony would agree with me.
- The Nostalgia Critic: I mean about his treatment.
- Sad Panda: Stop watching "Juno".
- The Nostalgia Critic: Will you forget about "Juno"?
- Sad Panda: I am trying. But Best Screenwriter? Really?
- The Nostalgia Critic: OK... I lied a few times. And I know I've mad some mistakes in the past.
- 8-Bit Mickey: Thousands.
- The Nostalgia Critic: And sometimes, I've led you into danger.
- Phelous: Always.
- The Nostalgia Critic: But, at least I had the best intentions in mind.
- JewWario: Yours.
- The Nostalgia Critic: And things have always turned out OK.
- 8-Bit Mickey, Phelous, JewWario, Luke Mochrie, Film Brain, MarzGurl, Linkara, Obscurus Lupa, Sad Panda: NEVER!
- Luke Mochrie: You really think our time is at its end?
- Cinema Snob: The world is changing, kid. The Internet is changing. Even if we survive this witch hunt, we can't chase the Zeitgeist forever.
- Christopher Clod: Have you ever heard of a director called Uwe Boll? He figured that all you truly needed was the will to create, to tax-dodge schemes and direct-to-video releases, he figured he could turn any video game franchise into his own personal playground. How ironic that the very things you critics rail against have made him a cult sensation. No matter what your friends say, people love him precisely because they hate him.
- The Last Angry Geek: The needs... of many... outweigh...
- The Nostalgia Critic: The needs of the few...
- The Last Angry Geek: Shut up, I'm talking.
- The Nostalgia Critic: [exasperated] Sorry!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Now, I know I've never asked anything of you guys before.
- Todd in the Shadows: Did he seriously just say that?"
- The Nostalgia Critic: By God, with a ship in my command and a crew to dispose of...
- MarzGurl: Don't you mean at your disposal?
- The Nostalgia Critic: Sure. Nothing can stop us!
- The Nostalgia Critic: I don't recall a sexy dance party.
- 8-Bit Mickey: Are you saying we don't need a sexy dance party?
- The Nostalgia Critic: Well, I didn't say that.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob, can we fire back?
- Cinema Snob: Um... according to this little red light that means "no"... uh... no.
- C.R.: So this is a Dream Amplifier.
- The Nostalgia Critic: So what does it do?
- C.R.: Amplifies dreams.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I got that, Captain Obvious!
- JesuOtaku: [Hugs CR] Yay! You've been promoted!
- The Nostalgia Chick: Todd... I really don't think this is going to work out.
- Todd in the Shadows: I know.
- The Nostalgia Chick: You know, you're really a nice guy.
- Todd in the Shadows: I know.
- The Nostalgia Chick: And it's not you, it's me.
- Todd in the Shadows: I know!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Linkara, whaddya say?
- Mechakara: ...Risk assessment analysis indicates the probability of your success to be minimal, ensuring your failure and my victory.
- [a pause; everyone cheers]
- The Nostalgia Critic: [beams down to the planet dressed up as Judge Dredd; impersonates Sylvester Stallone] I AM... THE LAUUUUGH!
- [Starts shooting at the minions; screaming halfway through until all the minions are dead; close up on the Critic, still impersonating Stallone]
- The Nostalgia Critic: Court's adjourned.
- Angry Joe: [beams onboard Terl's ship during his speech] Excuse me. Which one of you is the tactical weapons officer?
- [Terl and Zod point to the minion on the right. Angry Joe shoots the tactical weapons officer, smiles and beams back to the Exit Strategy]
- The Nostalgia Critic: Engineering, does the transporter still work?
- C.R.: Yeah, but I'm afraid that the transporter is very badly damaged. I can only put rough coordinates in and I'm afraid I can only beam in two at a time right now.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Joe, would you like to shoot something?
- Angry Joe: Why yes, Critic. Yes I would.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Good. I have a plan. Let me get my battle armor on. Something... dreadful.
- MarzGurl: [hesitantly] You mean...
- The Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yeah. Meet me in Engineering.
- JesuOtaku: Wait, Critic! I have invented these...
- [shows off power-enhancing gloves]
- JesuOtaku: JesuOtaku: power-enhancing energy gloves. They increase your body strength by 1200%. I shall demonstrate on... Paw Paw!
- [pushes Paw Paw and he goes flying]
- The Nostalgia Critic: OK, I think I like this crazy Otaku.
- [takes the gloves from JesuOtaku]
- The Nostalgia Critic: All right, Joe. Meet me in Engineering. Everyone else,
- [gestures toward viewscreen]
- The Nostalgia Critic: act like you're still listening to him.
- Turrell: [crew turns mute button off] ... perchance to cream...
- [Zod stands next to Terl looking disgusted]
- The Nostalgia Critic: There's got to be some way of stopping this thing. Help me!
- Gort: Well, you know what they say: If you can't beat them, join them.
- [Gort teleports in and removes his helmet to reveal his true identity: The Angry Video Game Nerd]
- Angry Video Game Nerd: That's right! It was me the whole time!
- The Nostalgia Critic: [sarcastically] Oh.
- Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh? What do you mean "Oh?"
- The Nostalgia Critic: Well, I think the audience figured it out pretty early. I mean, who else could it be?
- Angry Video Game Nerd: It could've been anybody! Like, maybe... LordKat?
- The Nostalgia Critic: Oh, please, in that outfit?
- Angry Video Game Nerd: All right, smartass. Well, how do you expect to fix the situation, then?
- The Nostalgia Critic: 'Kay... That I don't know.
- Angry Video Game Nerd: All right, well, good luck with that.
- The Nostalgia Critic: My God... What have I done?
- Angry Video Game Nerd: What you had to do, Critic. Like you always do. Turn death... into another chance to blow shit up.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess this is it. So, where *did* you get that device to communicate with JO and CR?
- Angry Video Game Nerd: Stole it from Insano.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Of course. Guess he was good for something.
- Angry Video Game Nerd: Hm. Yeah.
- [they shake hands]
- The Nostalgia Critic: See you on the other side, man.
- Angry Video Game Nerd: Nice working with you, Critic.
- The Spoony One: Help me, Critic! Take me home!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Spoony. Spoony, we are home. My home. Get out.
- The Spoony One: Then there's still time. Search for my body. Find the hole.
- The Nostalgia Critic: OK, there is no way I am reaching for your hole.
- The Spoony One: The hole. It's coming!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Please say no more about your coming hole.
- Obscurus Lupa: We have a saboteur on board.
- The Nostalgia Critic: A tiger?
- Obscurus Lupa: Not a sabertooth, you idiot! A traitor!
- Turrell: It's Terl! T-U-double R-E-double-L, Terl! Do you know what that spells?
- The Nostalgia Critic: Tigger?
- Dr. Insano: [realizing he's been robbed while his back was turned] Son of a bitch! This is why I need mad scientist insurance!
- Paw: Wait, wait, wait! We're going into space. I need proper attire.
- [swaps out a pair of headphones with Spock ears]
- The Nostalgia Critic: You're such a geek.
- Paw: I find that... illogical.
- The Nostalgia Critic: That's why you're undateable.
- Obscurus Lupa: Uh, no offense... actually, a lot of offense. Why the hell should we trust you?
- The Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! When have I ever lied to any of you guys?
- JesuOtaku: [comes running in, holding a piece of paper] Oh, my God, you guys, I won a car!
- [everyone glares at her]
- JesuOtaku: [shrugs] I don't check my mail that often.
- Linkara: I just don't know, Paw. You want to take my spaceship to go investigate some beeps in space?
- Paw: It's not just beeps in space! The government's trying to cover it up! I tried calling NASA about this, but they treated me like I was crazy.
- Linkara: What'd you tell them?
- Paw: That I'm an Internet reviewer who needs a spaceship
- Linkara: Sounds sane to me.
- Paw: You're the only reviewer I know who has a spaceship. Where'd you get that thing anyway?
- Linkara: Oh, it's explained in my videos... You *have* watched my videos, right, Paw?
- Paw: ... Course I do.
- Linkara: Then tell me, what's Mechakara?
- Paw: Jambi's magic words?
- Linkara: It's my psychotic robot double! How does my theme song go?
- Paw: Um... "I met you on a Thursday..."
- Linkara: [angry] What do I review, Paw?
- Paw: Lamps?
- Linkara: Goodbye, Paw.