- Harry: Guys, thanks for letting me stay at The Burrow all summer.
- Ron: Hey, no problem pal! I'm just sorry you had to share a bed with Ginny, it must be weird sleeping with your girlfriend.
- Harry: Noo, no it was weird that your mom was there too... and you... and your whole family, like all in one bed, you guys are so poor.
- Ron: Man, I am literally surrounded by kissing, Bill and Fleur, you and Ginny, I want to do that!
- Harry: Dude, she's your sister, just ask her!
- Harry: Mom! You're still with dad in heaven? That's so beautiful.
- Lily Potter: Actually Harry, your father and I separated. He's kind of immature. But I found someone new in heaven.
- Cedric Diggory: I'd say we *found* each other.
- Harry: What the fuck?
- Hermione: I can't stand people who don't read. Ron, did you finish The Hunger Games? I gave you the first book weeks ago.
- Ron: Uh... yes. Yes. It was... it was good. It was a good... it was a good game.
- Hermione: Oh yeah? What was it about?
- Ron: [Angrily] Uh... it was about, um... a um... uh... hungry, hungry, hungry! A hungry withholding girl who won't kiss her boyfriend!
- Hermione: You *did* read it!
- [Hugs Ron]
- Malfoy: I hate you because you have everything I want, and you don't deserve any of it.
- Ron: I agree. And I hate you because somebody told me to.
- Harry: Twilight? Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard of that. I don't like how those books objectify men.
- Malfoy: Surely you chaps remember all the good times we had at school together. Like when we battled professor Quirrell and I destroyed that last horcrux. Or when I traveled back in time and saved you from my evil father.
- Harry: No, I don't really remember that. I was 11.
- Malfoy: Well then, surely you chaps remember our third year. The most memorable and important one, when we all went to Pigfarts. I did many important things that year. And we had so many clean jokes, good songs, and nobody swore.
- Harry: Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I remember that year. Fuck that year!
- Dumbledore: This little club of yours that follows you around. What's it called?
- Voldemort: The He-Man Woman Haters. But we're thinking about changing the name.
- Ron: I'm frightened, Harry.
- Harry: Quiet, Hermione! This is it. This is the chamber of secrets monster. I can feel it. Usually it takes me all year to solve a mystery, but not this year! No way man, I'm on fire. The boy who was on fire, that's what they'll call me!
- Malfoy: If I'm going to win this head boy election, I've got to have a strong campaign platform. Something like... End house elf slavery. Begin muggle and mudblood slavery. Something inspiring like that.
- Harry: Yes! I do have the magical ability to talk to spiders! I'm back!
- Aragog: No. I'm just a spider with the magical ability to talk to humans.
- Hermione: Tom Marvolo Riddle? Wait a second. If I take this letter and put it there, it reads... Am I Lord Voldemort?
- Voldemort: No, I am! Lord Voldemort.
- Voldemort: I'm a journal. Not a diary. Diaries are for girls. But yes, Ginny, I'm a magic diary. Shit. Journal. I'm a magic journal enchanted with the spirit of its former owner.
- Narrator: Act 1, Scene 1. The Department of Mysteries. A dark stage. We hear the ding of an elevator as it comes to a stop.
- [first lines]
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