Inara, the Jungle Girl

In fact, I kicked up my rating one full point just for Cali Danger. I can see why the producers fell in love with her and built a vehicle for her. If I had the resources, I sure would have made a fool of myself over her at a different point in my life, absolutely. Not sure if that's supposed to be her stripper name or something, but she is superb and really, really easy on the eyes.

Oh, the movie. Right. It did lack a little cohesion, but I got that they were inspired by a "Kill Bill" - esque feel most notably in the opening sequence, but then they seem to have forgotten about it pretty quickly as the movie morphed into something else. To be frank, I would have been happy with 84 minutes of Cali posing, goofing around and delivering some monologues. She's just stunning.

I think the best way to describe this film is lots of pretty girls, one smoking-hot, all-American, red-haired beauty and some vague plot devices that add up to a movie that is more compelling than literally hundreds of Hollywood crowd-pleasers that I couldn't stomach if they paid *me* 12 bucks, a large Diet Coke, and a box of Jordan almonds to watch more than 15 seconds of such as any Will Smith movie, any Morgan Freeman movie, any Ben Affleck movie, any Denzel Washington movie or any Jim Belushi movie, just to name a few off the top of my head.

In summary, sure, it's lame, but you could do worse and it doesn't preach or try to deliver a social message and the girls are total babes.

For one, it's not the fact that the main character played by "Cali Danger" beats up 3-guys larger than her at the beginning that I found unbelievable. 3-soldiers attacked this gorgeous woman in an alleyway, this, I took issue with.

Any person can win any fight. One's ability in battle has nothing to do with what's in your pants. Someday, everyone will realize this. But no soldier, let alone 3 would attack an unarmed drunken woman in an alleyway to fistfight her, rape her--possible and unfortunate, still believable! The rest of the movie plays off that first scene, ('tough women' fight). Only, it's with model-looking jungle girls and the main one.

If you can get over the factor mentioned above, you might like this film, despite the b-movie-rate acting (which I enjoy for laughs).

If you think women are inferior in battle, I disagree with you and know you're wrong, but you also won't like this movie at all.

The Internet acronym LMFAO = Laughing my ****ing a**e off. What I did throughout most of whatever the hell this is.

On some sort of primitive Amazonian island, where the cut off inhabitants can still apparently have access to breast augmentation, tattoos, bikinis and metal weapons, a baby is found by an errant wanderer. Flash forward 18 years, and said kid has been raised in mainstream society. She can somehow beat up four blokes twice her size even while drunk, and is the victim of two tiresome montages featuring a couple of the worst songs I've ever heard.

Wait, it gets better. She's invited along on an army expedition on the same isle she was discovered on (this is just a coincidence, by the way) and en route, the helicopter crashes. Problem is... We never SEE the collision, just a flash of white light. Obviously a victim of the high-end budget. As the only survivor, she is swiftly abducted by the resident female warriors, where she is almost immediately recognised (don't ask how) as their missing child from almost two decades ago, and consequently made queen.

Why does she accept all this so quickly? Why is she ready to give up on her old life just like THAT? How do this band of ladies procreate with no men around? Believe me, this is NOT a film to be asking questions. By doing so, you're likely end up in a straitjacket... This truly is a movie where the concept ( a bunch of Playboy rejects bounce around in minimal clothing for just over an hour) seems to have originated long before the script.

But WHAT script? This crap could have been made up on the spot. And that goes for the music too, which seems to have been put together by tone death monkeys on kazoos. The attempts at drama are so beyond parody, it's amazing the camera doesn't shake with laughter from the director at the pathetic pouting they call performing. In fact, I'm surprised ANYONE involved in the... Thing... could keep a straight face. Perhaps they were all on something, at the time of production (actually, that would explain a LOT).

I end with talking about the final 'battle', an exercise in such dismal amateurishness that it had me in absolute hysterics. These bimbettes take on a small army of trained soldiers in their swimsuits, in what must be the most horribly choreographed fight scene I've watched. The weapons NEVER make contact. A small tap sends a 6ft tall bloke hurtling through the air. We don't see anyone die... And yet, there are graves galore at the end.

If I handed out points for unintentional hilarity, this would comfortably be the best comedy I've seen this year. Alas, I do not. 0/10

What was the point of this movie? Why did they waste film making it? Why did I actually watch the entire thing when I should have turned it off after thirty seconds?

To put it mildly, this movie lacks a plausible story, lacks any sense of meaningful dialogue, and does not have one character with any shred of passable acting ability. The characters are miscast, to say the least: Since when are midriff t-shirts and belly button rings standard Army issue? The Amazons, themselves, look like they would not last one day in "The Rainforest Cafe" let alone an Amazonian jungle. It is also comforting to know that there is no shortage of hair, make-up, or hygiene products in the Amazon. If your next plane trip crash lands in the Jungle,you may die from dehydration or disease, but you will certainly always look your best.

This flick takes "bad film making" from the gutter and pulls it down into the sewer. "Inara" is a complete waste of time....an exploitation film at it's absolute lowest. I could have made a better movie about cutting my toenails using an iPhone camera that would have more drama than this trash.

I can't believe I actually sat through the whole movie! I could forgive just about everything that is wrong with this film (there's a lot wrong, believe me) if it was a college project or a home-grown piece of fun that a bunch of friends got together to make. But, as a commercial release, a viewing audience is far less tolerant.

The pacing, mostly a result of really bad editing, barely gets past a crawl. Long, drawn out and repetitive shots abound, trying to make the most of the female eye candy on screen. All it succeeded in doing is boring me to death. Even with a bevy of quite attractive women, you need at least some acting chops to carry the story, as vapid as it is. Oh, here's a hint girls, acting angry does not mean you yell your lines unintelligibly straight at the camera...

Fight choreography was non-existent. The final battle was completely laughable, stealing beats from 'Avatar' in the lead up to it. A group of bikini clad women sporting cast off swords and shields from '300' up against a bunch of mercenary grunts three times their size and armed to the teeth just looked like a bad joke, one which the director unbelievably followed through with.

I would have given away the idea of watching it at all if I hadn't been laughing so hard. This is a film that will likely not even see the discount bins at any reputable store. Definitely one to avoid.