- [from trailer]
- Dave Harken: [Nick, Dale and Kurt are visiting Dave in prison] Hello Nick, guy who saved my life, guy who fucked my wife.
- [from trailer]
- Julia Harris: Have you ever done it in a dentist's chair?
- Nick Hendricks: Well, you go there and I'll just go to the men's room for a minute.
- Julia Harris: You're quite welcome to do that on me.
- Nick Hendricks: Actually, it's... uh...
- [hold up two fingers]
- Julia Harris: And?
- Dave Harken: BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO BALLS! And your fathers had no balls. You were all a product of generations of ball-less men who were either too weak or too frightened to stand up and take what's theirs. And one day you will pass on your empty shriveled sacks to your own pitiful offspring!
- Dave Harken: Your legal options are...
- Dale Arbus: Legal options.
- Dave Harken: JACK SHIT.
- Dale Arbus: I heard Jack Lebowitz. Is that an attorney? I'm going to write that down. Jack Lebowitz.
- Kurt Buckman: Got to be. Can we get his contact info please?
- Nick Hendricks: We're not going to see Mother-Fucker Jones because we're not going to kidnap anyone.
- Roz: Blanston, you don't have to say it.
- Nick Hendricks: Roz, shut your mouth, please.
- Julia Harris: Shut up and let him share. So you ate it.
- Kurt Buckman: Please, say yes, please, say yes.
- Nick Hendricks: You wanna know if I ate that dick?
- Julia Harris: Did you suck that cock like a Bomb pop down to the blue?
- Nick Hendricks: You want the answer?
- Julia Harris: Give it to me!
- Nick Hendricks: I ate that dick, I ate those balls and I licked that kid's sweaty asshole.
- Julia Harris: Damn right you did because you are awesomely gay.
- Nick Hendricks: I am super gay, never been straight. You know what else I've never been? Inside a woman!
- Julia Harris: Meeting adjourned!
- Nick Hendricks: Everybody out!
- Roz: Son of a bitch!
- Nick Hendricks: Well, we were all working at pretty terrible JOBS for some awful bosses and we just thought, if we ever got a chance to be our own bosses, that we'd do things differently
- Kurt Buckman: Yeah, we came up with the Shower Buddy.
- Dale Arbus: I'm sorry, that name's not official yet. I wanted the Shower Daddy.
- Kurt Buckman: Shower Daddy is worse on pretty much every level so, yeah.
- Dale Arbus: Why would your buddy be in the shower with you?
- Kurt Buckman: Why would your DAD?
- Nick Hendricks: Don't scream on television.
- Julia Harris: I'm going to make this simple: I'm going to call the police, and they're going to take you to jail... unless Dale plows me.