Jurassic Shark: Terreur des mers

If you're an avid horror fanatic, yet you haven't got any cinematic or technical background, and you (together with a group of friends perhaps) watch a lot of terribly cheap and lame B-movies from within your lazy couch, then inevitably there will come a certain moment when you think to yourself: "I could make a much better and cooler movie myself …." Now, it's tremendously important that thoughts like these remain just thought and they cannot be processed further into concrete projects! Because if you do start to gather all your friends, family members and neighbors to film your allegedly kick-ass horror movie idea, we get crap like "Jurassic Shark"... I'm 100% convinced that director Brett Kelly and his mates were full of good intentions, and that they're actually a fun bunch to hang out with, but they simply don't have a clue about how to make a halfway decent movie. "Jurassic Shark" is amateurish rubbish of the worst possible kind and, sorry to put it this bluntly, but absolutely nobody is interested in seeing this guff. Brett Kelly probably thinks of himself that he's a movie prodigy, and his friends and family are likely too polite to tell it straight to his face, but any objective viewer will relentlessly bash his effort. When a large company drills for oil in a touristy lake, they accidentally drill too deep. That particular piece of dialog – "We drilled too deep" – gets repeated approximately a dozen times throughout the movie. So, just so you know, they drill too deep and hereby awaken a Megalodon shark that has actually been extinct for more than 200 million years. So, suddenly we have a 52ft shark (!) that is still in perfect shape despite being stuck underneath the lake's bottom for a gazillion of years, swimming around in a moderately sized pond. Brilliant! The only people courageous enough to face the critter are three hot chicks in colorful bikinis, but first they have to battle against a handful of idiotic crooks that lost their stolen painting in the lake. Don't ask… What we have? Well, let's see … atrocious acting, for starters. The performances are literally so terrible that you wished you could pull these people through the TV-screen and smack their faces. Particularly the female "gang" leader and the steroids fitness Vin Diesel copycat (who's, for some strange reason, an expert in the field of sharks and the Pleistocene era) are utmost annoying. Is it necessary that I add the special effects are the most pathetic I've ever witnessed. They vary from non-existent (people supposedly being eaten by the shark without the water surface even moving an inch) to seriously retarded computer engineered experiments. The shark constantly changes in size and at a certain point it even learns to fly and pick off people that are safely standing ashore. Some of my fellow reviewers pointed out that the effects were seemingly designed on a so-called "Etch-a-Sketch". I can't put it any better than this… I could also go on mentioning little imbecilic aspects, but "Jurassic Shark" already wasted enough of my (not-so) precious time, so behold my final statement: people with the intention to make such movies ought to be protected against themselves.

This is perhaps the most appalling piece of art (lol) ever committed to celluloid, the acting, if you can call it that, consists of inane lines punctuated by silence while the mannequin imitating cast catch up and spout their increasingly dire reply.

The editing is a case history in how modern technology can be abused to turn a screenplay into a horror story (not for the content of the movie but for anyone viewing it who has in their life time graduated beyond watching a spinning toy above a child's cot (crib)).

From the total lack of acting skills this "thing" seems to be a product of someone who found a camera, asked a couple of friends to join in and then put together a script while eating at Chucky Cheese (or equivalent).

If those responsible ever read these reviews in future if your intending to make another movie, assuming you are not now working in a mall or a drive-thru, try to ensure the lighting is balanced, it looked like Jill (?) was having a torch shone in her eyes in the boat, and for the two girls at the start there is no need to have them splashing water at each other for 20 minutes and generally if your going to film in a stairwell again at least balance the light.

If you have nothing better to do for an hour or so (I am only 25 minutes in but stopped to write this )it is highly recommended as it truly has to be seen to be believed.

I was going to review this with all caps but ..... Don't Waste Your Time With This One. I've watched 1000's of movies and only a few have I quit watching before the end. This one is at the top of that list. Wooden acting? ... more like cement. Special effects? .... better ones could have been produced using MSPaint. Continuity? .... none that I could discern. Script and story? .... nope, didn't see any. I HAD to give it a 1 simply because there is no 0.

I have to admit that the actresses were pleasant to look at and did appear to be putting a genuine effort into their work. If this was a first film-making attempt I would be tempted to give this one a C+ for enthusiasm.

Don't waste your time. Rent Plan Nine from Outer Space instead.

After reading the reviews, all of them uniformly condemning the movie as one of the worst films ever, I felt curious. Surely it can't be that bad? Every movie has a saving grace - anything. So I decided to watch at least bits and pieces of it. And, you know what? The reviewers were absolutely right. This movie is so bad, that I find it difficult to believe that anyone could have devoted any time to making it. I mean, had you gathered together a few of your friends and started shooting with your home camcorder at your neighborhood's pond, without any planning or foresight, you would have come up with something better than this piece of garbage. There is absolutely NOTHING about this movie that can be, even remotely, recommended. It's not even in that it's-so-bad-that-it's-good class. If they took it seriously, I feel embarrassed for all those who participated in making this movie - just as I felt embarrassed watching it for, how can anybody make something so entirely devoid of any redeeming qualities?

God help us all if this is the coming filmmakers of the world.

When making a feature movie I would guess talent should also be applied? Anyway...the story is very dodgy, the acting is very bad, and the lightning and sound...is it on the dv-cams own mic it is made? I hope the people in it used at least aliases so they would have a chance in the future.

And the scene is a small lake, that is suppose to have an 16 meters shark?! and of course special effects ain't used at all, we see a great white shark glued in with "photoshop". I give you for the effort, but really...this must be kids that have made, no way in hell it is from even a film school.

I do not know more to say, I guess this will get a razzie award for the worse film ever in history made. Lol.