Sharks : Silencieux & Mortels

While I consider myself a fan of the recent wave of cheesy, CGI-enhanced monster flicks a la SHARKNADO, even I have standards - and unfortunately, despite the great title, 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK doesn't meet them. This is an entirely Z-grade film which takes PIRANHA 3D as its inspiration and fails to make a decent movie out of a rip-off.

The film is clumsily made and badly written throughout. The cast is almost entirely populated by annoying teen stereotypes and blonde bimbos, chief of whom is Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke - an actress she isn't! Backing her up is Carmen Electra in a more minor role as a doctor; you may remember her from the likes of SCARY MOVIE back in the day, and she's still trying to play the same role and hiding her age by smothering her face in makeup.

Due to budgetary constraints, the whole film is set on a ship where those on board have to contend with one of the worst special effects yet put on film. This shark is a crude bit of CGI animation to say the least, and randomly changes size depending on the scene. There are many gory deaths, but the majority of effects are done on the computer; I felt like I was watching somebody playing THE SIMS at various times.

Needless to say, the acting is horrible, the script is dumb, and Christopher Douglas Olen-Ray's direction is vapid (no surprise that this guy is the son of infamous cult director Fred Olen-Ray). The amount of continuity errors and dumb decisions made on the part of the cast is unbelievable; I think the whole 'randomly sinking atoll' part of the story was the most jaw-dropping. In any case, this is a real stinker.

Sharks Vs. Silicone The 'Jaws' series tought us that sharks grow to 40 feet, eat helicopters, raise their heads above the water to roar at their prey, hunt in 4 feet of water, and attack cruise ships.

The recent megalodon films tought us that sharks grow to 65 feet, fly, eat 747 airplanes, and attack oil rigs, supertankers, and aircraft carriers. Yet still hunt teenagers in 4 feet of water and raise their heads above the water to roar.

Now '2 Headed Shark Attack' teaches us, sharks have two heads, grow to 65 feet yet still hunt teenagers in 4 feet of water, can collapse and island by butting against it, are amphibious and come on land to roar at teenagers, and most importantly have a sweet tooth for silicon.

The plot: Hardly original crew of token "marine biology" college students' cruise ship is struck by engine and radio failure.

With Carmen Electra as a college professor it's understandable why so many gorgeous, horny, and brain dead students signed up for the class.

And when I say there's a lot of silicone, I mean it. I counted only 4 breasts that could even pass for natural in the entire film.

Predictably the class wades ashore a "atoll" which according to this film tend to collapse. Atolls apparently also feature concrete docks for motor boats and Robinson Caruso like grass huts.

The dialogue consists entirely of, "What was that? Oh my God! Go go go!" There's plenty of blood and guts and some decent CGI FX.

Disappointingly there's no explanation for why a shark has 2 heads and is 60 feet long. Most giant shark movies at least offer some type of explanation such as a greedy corporation's experiment gone awry.

The silicone is nice to look at between killings but no one is memorably gorgeous enough to save this disaster.

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

** (out of 4)

If you're expecting something like JAWS then I really hope you don't rent or buy a movie called 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK. This film from the one and only The Asylum has a group of kids going out to do research when their boat is attacked by the title creature. Soon many are eaten while others stand around with dumb looks on their faces but have no fear because Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell and Brooke Hogan are on hand. 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK is a very, very bad movie but once you realize that this is a straight-to-DVD flick from The Asylum then you realize that it shouldn't be taken serious and it's okay to laugh at it. Those old enough will probably remember in the 80s when low-budget movies like this one would attract used up, former stars and mix them in with relatives to more famous people and that's pretty much what we get here. Electra isn't the hot item she once was. O'Connell is the brother to Jerry and we all know who Hogan is. Christoper Olen Ray is even the son of cult filmmakers Fred Olen Ray. Again, if anyone goes into a movie like this expecting quality then that's their problem and not the films. The majority of the titles I've seen from The Asylum have been horrid but this one here is thankfully so bad that you can have some fun with it. Just one example is Hogan who gives one of the worst performances I've seen in a very long time. No matter if she's having fun, sad, angry or in fear she's always speaking in the same tone and delivering her lines the same way. Obviously she doesn't know how to express any sort of emotion so she just stays the same throughout all of them. Just check out the sequence where she's talking about a traumatizing event in her life and be sure to laugh it up. Electra at least still looks extremely good but she keeps her clothes on (as does Hogan in case you're wondering). The film does feature some nudity for those expecting that type of thing. The CGI sharks are poorly done but that's the type of thing you'd expect from a movie like this. The ending of the movie is downright silly as is the subplot of the island they're on is sinking. 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK is pure "Z" grade material but I'll at least give the director credit for keeping it moving at a nice pace and making it at least entertaining in a bad way.

I'm curious as to who bank rolls movies like this? I get it, its not suppose to be a 'serious' movie; really the name of the movie says it all, however.... you've got to make the storyline at least a bit believable or at least entertaining. This movie fits in the same class as Piranha 3D and Shark Night. However i'd rather watch either of those over again before watching this movie. The acting is terrible, and if this is the platform Brooke Hogan plans on launching her acting career... I suggest she slap on some spandex and hop in the WWE ring instead. And what about poor Carmen Electra? Clearly she's needing some cash or at the least some exposure in front of the camera because her suntan scene (no nudity) was ridiculous...

A wild 2 headed Sharpedo appeared. It used pixelate. It's not very effective ...

Suddenly, after about one minute, a vicious two-headed shark shows its teeth and consumes two innocent babes as if they were his hors d'oeuvre. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for 90 minutes of the most preposterous nonsense ever recorded on film.

In fact there is not even much to say about total failure number twenty thousand of 'The Asylum'. Really stiff dialogues, lousy acting, miserable directing, hopeless CGI, SFX and the typical, but equally desperate storyline. However, this time there are no scientists or special agents involved. The shark is only confronted with a boat of voluptuous and muscular students, who, of course, parade happily with their breasts and biceps, but ultimately only let the vocal cords work.

It can be said that the shark is essentially a young, healthy man, with an immaculate interest in the female sex, even though he presents himself at times as a juvenile peeper. But, generally it doesn't take long before he comes trotting with a whopper of an opening line, and starts courting the giggling girls. A lasting relationship, however, is not an option.

We know by now that our friends from 'The Asylum' aren't very pragmatic in approach, but of all the plot holes there is only one that I can not fathom. If that shark has two heads, then why didn't Carmen Electra have four breasts? Food for thought.