Sharks : Silencieux & Mortels

Honestly what are these other clowns on? 6 and 7 stars? This movie is one of if not the worst I have watched.

Terrible story line, woeful cgi, my ass could of acted scenes better and so many mistakes.

They should start paying people to watch this. If this was my movie and I had just watched the final cut, I would have slit my wrists, gouged my eyes out and then destroyed all evidence that the movie ever existed while I waited to bleed out.

I thought this movie may be so bad it would be funny, I was wrong it is just really, really bad.

I want the last hour and a half of my life back.

When I watch a total crapfest like this, it makes me wonder how the brilliant Battlestar Galactica ever aired, especially on this Lowest Common Denominator channel. Anyone else remember when this was a GOOD channel? When they showed 50's classic, SF Pilot Playhouse, etc? Now it pummels the audience with garbage like this, filled with has beens and never were's, edits out the softcore nudity and sex (for the DVD's and Europe I imagine). Anyone remember when a B movie was worth seeing? This absolute turd sandwich of a movie featured horrible effects, worse acting and a dumb story that had really nothing going for it. I know, I know, I didn't have to watch it. I know that. But it's like being hypnotized. One wants to look away, but we can't. WE CAN'T. I'd say this, avoid at all costs, unless you want to save money on a sleeping pill. It's simply that horrible.

Sharks Vs. Silicone The 'Jaws' series tought us that sharks grow to 40 feet, eat helicopters, raise their heads above the water to roar at their prey, hunt in 4 feet of water, and attack cruise ships.

The recent megalodon films tought us that sharks grow to 65 feet, fly, eat 747 airplanes, and attack oil rigs, supertankers, and aircraft carriers. Yet still hunt teenagers in 4 feet of water and raise their heads above the water to roar.

Now '2 Headed Shark Attack' teaches us, sharks have two heads, grow to 65 feet yet still hunt teenagers in 4 feet of water, can collapse and island by butting against it, are amphibious and come on land to roar at teenagers, and most importantly have a sweet tooth for silicon.

The plot: Hardly original crew of token "marine biology" college students' cruise ship is struck by engine and radio failure.

With Carmen Electra as a college professor it's understandable why so many gorgeous, horny, and brain dead students signed up for the class.

And when I say there's a lot of silicone, I mean it. I counted only 4 breasts that could even pass for natural in the entire film.

Predictably the class wades ashore a "atoll" which according to this film tend to collapse. Atolls apparently also feature concrete docks for motor boats and Robinson Caruso like grass huts.

The dialogue consists entirely of, "What was that? Oh my God! Go go go!" There's plenty of blood and guts and some decent CGI FX.

Disappointingly there's no explanation for why a shark has 2 heads and is 60 feet long. Most giant shark movies at least offer some type of explanation such as a greedy corporation's experiment gone awry.

The silicone is nice to look at between killings but no one is memorably gorgeous enough to save this disaster.

And let me tell you.... I busted a gut on this one. I mean I expected bad, but there really isn't a word that adequately describes the level of bad this movie broached upon. Like Ninth circle of hell bad. Like Killer Clowns from Outer Space was an Oscar Winner bad. Like .... never mind. I need another good laugh, so I have Sand shark next on my DVR to laugh through. Whoever wrote this film should be drawn and quartered and forced to sign an agreement that swears they will never write again. B rated? Thats a compliment undeserved. Who in their right mind paid to produce that film? Is there a way to negotiate your contract to NOT include this in your credits list? I know if it were me, I'd certainly explore that option.

While I consider myself a fan of the recent wave of cheesy, CGI-enhanced monster flicks a la SHARKNADO, even I have standards - and unfortunately, despite the great title, 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK doesn't meet them. This is an entirely Z-grade film which takes PIRANHA 3D as its inspiration and fails to make a decent movie out of a rip-off.

The film is clumsily made and badly written throughout. The cast is almost entirely populated by annoying teen stereotypes and blonde bimbos, chief of whom is Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke - an actress she isn't! Backing her up is Carmen Electra in a more minor role as a doctor; you may remember her from the likes of SCARY MOVIE back in the day, and she's still trying to play the same role and hiding her age by smothering her face in makeup.

Due to budgetary constraints, the whole film is set on a ship where those on board have to contend with one of the worst special effects yet put on film. This shark is a crude bit of CGI animation to say the least, and randomly changes size depending on the scene. There are many gory deaths, but the majority of effects are done on the computer; I felt like I was watching somebody playing THE SIMS at various times.

Needless to say, the acting is horrible, the script is dumb, and Christopher Douglas Olen-Ray's direction is vapid (no surprise that this guy is the son of infamous cult director Fred Olen-Ray). The amount of continuity errors and dumb decisions made on the part of the cast is unbelievable; I think the whole 'randomly sinking atoll' part of the story was the most jaw-dropping. In any case, this is a real stinker.