- Cedric Diggory: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
- Albus Dumbledore: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?
- Quirinus Quirrell: Yes, my dark king!
- Lord Voldemort: Okay, just relax with the dark king, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily, you can call me Voldemort, we're there! We've reached that point.
- Hermione Granger: The horcrux could be hidden anywhere! It could entail countless months of camping in the mundane British country side, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of polyjuice potion.
- Harry Potter: Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not doing that.
- Albus Dumbledore: And another very special welcome to our newest member of Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny, excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley.
- Ginny Weasley: Yeah, I'm a girl, and, um, also aren't we supposed to be sorted by the, um, Sorting Hat?
- Albus Dumbledore: Well, uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren't going to be back until next year.
- Ginny Weasley: Oh.
- Albus Dumbledore: Basically I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care.
- Lavender Brown: Professor? Can, like, a person be a portkey?
- Severus Snape: No that's ABSURD! If that person were to TOUCH themselves
- [looks at Ron]
- Severus Snape: they would constantly be transported into different places.
- Draco Malfoy: You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermine Granger! You know what I would give her on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 would be the ugliest and 10 pretty... I would give her an 8... 8.5... or a 9... Not, not over a 9.8 cause there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10. Because I'm worth it!
- Ron Weasley: Oh my God, lay off, Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, but she's my pain in the ass.
- Lord Voldemort: Back when I had my body, I used to have mad game with the bitches. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange.
- Harry Potter: Haven't you heard? Voldemort's back, Quirell's crazy, Cedric's dead!
- Hermione Granger: Yes, I have heard those things, about a thousand times. But never have they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday.
- Harry Potter: [singing] I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to school! I gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everybody knows I'm cool! Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
- Lord Voldemort: My new world is about to unfold.
- Quirinus Quirrell: You got beat by a two year old!
- Lord Voldemort: I'll kill him this time through and through!
- Quirinus Quirrell: Or you might just give him another tattoo.
- Albus Dumbledore: You have to figure out what you want.
- Draco Malfoy: I want Hermione Granger!... And a rocketship.
- Hermione Granger: You know, I used to think looks weren't important but now I think they're more important than anything.