Blubberella

You know, I recently watched Uwe Boll's FAR CRY and thought to myself, Boll has actually made a decent film here. Perhaps he's improving as a director. I've subsequently sat through a kind of double-bill of AUSCHWITZ and now this, and I have to revoke that thought. Because AUSCHWITZ was bad, but BLUBBERELLA is by far Boll's worst film ever, as well as one of the worst films I've ever had the misfortune to sit through.

The joke is that Blubberella is a morbidly obese girl who fights Nazis in some kind of amateur WW2 setting. There's also some nonsense about her being half vampire although that has nothing to do with the story. Instead, what we get is a pantomime-style film with constant and offensive jokes about overweight people, different nationalities, and anything else. There's even a scene of blackface which has to be seen to be believed.

Lindsay Hollister as the main actress is humiliated throughout and I felt acutely sorry for her. Michael Pare must be wondering how far his fortunes can sink by appearing in this. The only decent actor is Clint Howard playing a creepy doctor in the usual Clint Howard style, but that's it. Uwe Boll's cameo as Hitler is the worst ever. The crude sexual jokes and the like take the biscuit and the film is too cheap to include any action, effects, or real storyline. It's absolutely awful in every way and I wish I'd never seen it.

I thought I've seen the worst of film. Yet Ewe Boll manages to take the title ONCE AGAIN. In a story that was written by a horny bi-curious teenager, "Bluberella" is a 90-minute failure that couldn't be enjoyed by a stoned 20-something college student (and they can enjoy A LOT). Not even fit for the independent venue, this "film" wouldn't get a "D" in an Intro to Fiction class. A mixture of ad-lib dialog tied with random shots and a C+ actor (Clint Howard), this film not only leaves much to be desired, but a basic foundation of cinema as well. If Boll wanted to fight me as he so often said he would to his "critical reviewers", I would gladly take the opportunity to put this so-called director in his place. Your move, Mr. Boll, Your move...

I have seen a lot of bad pictures over my 50+ years, but this one absolutely takes the cake. I have seen all of Ed Wood's terrible movies, and even those are better than this. At least Wood's movies were laughable, albeit unintentionally. This movie tries to get laughs, gets none, and is possibly the most tedious, boring and useless movie ever put to celluloid. Rarely will I walk out on a movie less than a third of the way into it, but this movie is so bad, it was actually painful to watch. I feel bad for Ronny Howard's brother, who must have been desperate for work to have taken this acting job. This movie is a colossal waste of time. Even if you are bored to tears, this would only make it worse!

Boll parodied his own movie. Beyond Cringe, but there are few films like it.

I love-hate Uwe Boll. That's the best way to describe my feelings towards him.

I absolutely hate the man, and I hate his films as honest attempts at art. However, I do love the "character" of Uwe Boll, and I love his films in an ironic, "so bad, they're good" kind of way.

So I came into "Blubberella" from a fairly open place, expecting if nothing else, an amusingly-awful film. The problem is, this is an attempt at a comedy. When a film is meant to be serious, and it fails, it usually works in that sort-of ironic way because it's failed drama ilicits unintentional laughs. However, a bad comedy just sucks, because it fails in every respect. A failed dramatic scene can work if it becomes so bad, it's funny. However, no matter what, an unfunny joke is never funny, even in an unintentional way. It's just painful.

And that's this film in a nutshell- painful and full of unfunny jokes.

For some background, this film was shot at the same time as another of Boll's films, "BloodRayne III: The Third Reich", which was actually one of his better films, because he understood that it wasn't a good movie, and simply tried to make it entertaining. Hence, it worked as mindless thrills with lots of blood and sex, like a 70's exploitation film. I'd actually recommend it, it's a lot better than the first two, which were just foul.

This film shares the entire same cast and crew as that film, and re-uses all of the sets, props and costumes. This film was basically made to be a cheap cash-in- Boll could film two movies for the price of one and release them separately.

Lindsay Hollister stars as the title character "Blubberella", whose hobbies include eating and killing Nazi's. She's a damphire- a half-human, half-vampire living in Nazi Germany during World War II. She spends her time killing Nazi's, mainly to steal their food it seems. (Her opening kill features her slaughtering a Nazi for his sub-sandwich)

Hollister, to her credit, at least tries, and is perky and fun, but the script is so sloppy, there's no enjoyment in her performance. Other actors include Clint Howard, Brendan Fletcher and Michael Pare, and they all give lukewarm-to-craptastic performances. Nobody really has their heart in this, and they're all about two seconds from looking at the camera and apologizing to the viewer for this filth.

There is a vague attempt at a plot, including a resistance group or something (I don't know specifics, I only watched the first half, and I wasn't paying attention, it was so dull), but it's all just a scam to cram a lot of bad stereotype jokes down our throat.

There is almost nothing to say about this film, good or bad. It's just bland. Also, a lot of the jokes are too random and have no structure. Despite taking place in WWII, Blubberella has a laptop computer and uses a Jewish dating website, there are passing references to Elvis Presley and George W. Bush, etc. Sure, anachronistic humor can be funny, but it has to have a basis within the reality of the film, and there is no attempt at setting up any internal logic here.

There's also a lot of horrible stereotyping of groups such as the obese, gays, etc, and it's really offensive. And not in the good way, where taboos are pushed and ideas are parodied, but more in a grade-school bully kind of way. There's no love or respect in the offensive humor- you get the feeling that Boll really is just very jaded and spiteful and hateful of everyone he makes fun of.

There's nothing to say about this film beyond that. It's 80-or-so minutes of unfunny, offensive stereotyping, and is extremely cheaply made. It's one of Boll's worse films (though from from his absolute worse), and isn't worth checking out. Skip it. A 1 out of 10.