- Tashi Donaldson: [after Patrick notices her engagement ring] It was his grandmother's.
- Patrick Zweig: How is she?
- Tashi Donaldson: She died. Stroke.
- Tashi Donaldson: You don't know what tennis is.
- Patrick Zweig: What is it?
- Tashi Donaldson: It's a relationship.
- Patrick Zweig: Is that what you and Anna Mueller had today?
- Tashi Donaldson: It is, actually. For about fifteen seconds there, we were actually playing tennis. And we understood each other completely. So did everyone watching. It's like we were in love. Or like we didn't exist. We went somewhere really beautiful together.
- Patrick Zweig: I think maybe you're disturbed by the fact that she could've been with someone like me.
- Art Donaldson: When we were teenagers.
- Patrick Zweig: Huh.
- [smiles]
- Patrick Zweig: When we were teenagers.
- Art Donaldson: Remember when you said you'd let me win?
- Patrick Zweig: That was a lifetime ago.
- [Art stands up with a huge erection]
- Art Donaldson: What about my grandmother?
- Patrick Zweig: [slapping Art's erection] I hope she has a fucking stroke.
- Patrick Zweig: Wait, are you on Facebook?
- Tashi Donaldson: What?
- Art Donaldson: He's asking for your number. And so am I.
- Patrick Zweig: I don't matter?
- Art Donaldson: Not even to the most obsessive tennis fan in the world.
- Patrick Zweig: We're not talking about tennis.
- Art Donaldson: What the fuck else do I have to talk to you about?
- Tashi Donaldson: How often does this happen? Going after the same girl?
- Patrick Zweig: Not as often as you'd think.
- Art Donaldson: We usually have different types.
- Tashi Donaldson: So you're saying I should be flattered?
- Art Donaldson: Aren't you everybody's type?
- Patrick Zweig: Can we talk?
- Art Donaldson: Can you put your dick away?
- Patrick Zweig: [smiling] This is a sauna.
- Patrick Zweig: Can you do me a favor?
- Art Donaldson: [Art, startled, takes the towel off his face]
- Patrick Zweig: [echoing Art from when they were teenagers] can you not, like, demolish me?
- Art Donaldson: [Art just looks at him]
- Patrick Zweig: Congrats on being 'a Phil's Tire Town Challenger finalist.
- Art Donaldson: Yeah. You too.
- [Art gets up and starts to leave]
- Patrick Zweig: Art. Come on. Can we talk?
- Art Donaldson: Can you put your dick away?
- Patrick Zweig: This is a sauna.
- Art Donaldson: What do you want to talk about?
- Patrick Zweig: We've been here for a week, and we haven't said two words to each other. I don't want to go into the match tomorrow feeling like this. It's just silly, man. It's dramatic.
- [Art doesn't say anything]
- Patrick Zweig: I mean, really: why are you still so angry with me?
- Art Donaldson: That's a serious question?
- Patrick Zweig: I don't buy that it's because of Tashi. Or, I don't think it's because of what happened to her. I think maybe you're still just pissed off that she and I used to be together at all. Maybe you're just really disturbed by the fact that she could be into someone like me.
- Art Donaldson: When we were teenagers.
- Patrick Zweig: Right. When we were teenagers.
- Art Donaldson: You're right. I do find it disturbing.
- Patrick Zweig: [laughs] Well, there's no need, man. Lots of girls were into me. None of them wanted to marry me. That's not what I was for.
- Art Donaldson: What were you for?
- Patrick Zweig: [Patrick doesn't say anything. He was for Art. Art looks down at Patrick's penis. Patrick smiles and finally covers it with the towel] Honestly, I thought you'd be happy that I was in the draw. You've always wanted to beat me at a tournament, haven't you? Especially the week before the Open. It's the perfect confidence booster.
- Art Donaldson: I know what you're trying to do right now...
- Patrick Zweig: [laughs] I'm not trying to do anything. This is a challenger. I don't have to play mind games with you.
- Art Donaldson: Right. You don't give a shit.
- Patrick Zweig: I didn't say that.
- Art Donaldson: We both know you have considerably more at stake here than I do.
- Patrick Zweig: Do I?
- Art Donaldson: Where do you get your swagger from? I mean, I understood it when we were kids -- you were hot shit: you could beat us all with your eyes closed -- but how are you still walking around like the world owes you something? You're 33 years old, your career's in the toilet, you're broke, nobody knows who the fuck you are, and you walk in here swinging your dick around like I'm supposed to be afraid of it, but all I see is a naked little boy who's still screaming about winning the Junior US Open. Do you understand how embarrassing it is that you're here?
- Patrick Zweig: Not quite as embarrassing as you being here.
- Art Donaldson: I'm just stopping by, man. This is where you live. And it's almost certainly where you're gonna die.
- Patrick Zweig: Listen, Art, I...
- Art Donaldson: I've always tried to figure out what happened to you, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's about what didn't happen. You didn't grow up.
- Art Donaldson: You still think we're seventeen. And now you still want me to be impressed with the fact that my wife liked you when she was a girl, but why would I give a shit about that? And why the fuck would I give a shit about what happens tomorrow? It's just practice for me, Patrick. Do you understand that? I mean, maybe you're playing for something else, but I'm just here working on my forehand. I'm just using you to get warmed up for a chance to win the Open, because it's the one thing in tennis I haven't done already.
- Patrick Zweig: You've never beaten me.
- Art Donaldson: [laughs] So what? This is a game about winning the points that matter. You beating me is a nice story for you to tell people when you're giving them tennis lessons, but I guarantee you the thing they'll all be the most excited about is that you met me at all. They'll ask you what I'm like. They'll ask you if I'm nice. They'll ask you if we were friends. And then they'll ask you how I did it. They'll ask you And You one have to tucking clue what to tell them. I mean, I could try to explain it to you, but the to knows that yet want to cele want telling yourself whatever worthless stories you've been telling yourself about why our lives have turned out the way they have. And even if you did want to know, I couldn't possibly explain it to you in a language you'll understand, because the thing you learn when you've been operating at my level for as long as I have is that it's so fucking lonely to win this much. Nobody gets it. But everyone on Earth gets what it's like to be you.
- Art Donaldson: The reason why they're sending a camera crew from ESPN to cover a fucking challenger tomorrow is that people like looking at my face on TV because they think it might help them solve the mystery of how I have what I have. But you're getting your own personal close up right now, so you should understand better than anybody: there is no fucking mystery -- you just can't have it.
- Patrick Zweig: [Patrick laughs] I just wanted to come in here to wish you luck, Art.
- Art Donaldson: That makes no sense.
- Patrick Zweig: I wanted to tell you that I'm looking forward to it. I miss playing with you.
- Art Donaldson: Oh yeah? I don't miss playing with you... I'm too old for it.
- Patrick Zweig: I can't believe you'd do this to him. I mean, fucking me is one thing, but this? This is unforgivable.
- Patrick Zweig: I miss playing with you.
- Art Donaldson: I don't miss playing with you, man. I'm too old for it.
- Patrick Zweig: Maybe you just wanted to see me.
- Tashi Donaldson: I have seen you. You look like shit.
- Art Donaldson: Where does you swagger come from? I mean, you come in here swinging your dick around like I'm suppose to be afraid of it, but... Do you realize how embarrassing is that you are here right now?
- Patrick Zweig: Not quite as embarrassing as you being here.
- Art Donaldson: I'm just stopping by, man. This is where you live.
- Tashi Donaldson: Think you might be the worst friend in the world.
- Art Donaldson: Maybe.
- Tashi Donaldson: Definitely. Thank you... for lunch, Art.
- Patrick Zweig: I'm not going to the match. Not if you think you can just dismiss me. I'm not some fucking lapdog who's gonna sit around and let you punish me. I'm not Art.
- Patrick Zweig: It's exciting to see you this way! It's what's been missing from our tennis.
- Art Donaldson: What?
- Patrick Zweig: It's nice to see you lit up about something, even if that something is my girlfriend.
- Art Donaldson: I'm just asking that you love me no matter what.
- Tashi Donaldson: What am I, Jesus?
- Art Donaldson: Yeah.
- Tashi Donaldson: There's plenty of girls out here that would love to be your girlfriend, okay? You're charming, you're talented, you got a big dick. Just go be with one of them.
- Tashi Donaldson: You want my best piece of advice? You want me to coach you?
- Patrick Zweig: Yeah.
- Tashi Donaldson: Okay, quit. Quit right now. Right the fuck now, quit.
- Patrick Zweig: You know that when I'm good, I'm one of the best in the world.
- Tashi Donaldson: You are 271st best in the fucking world.
- Patrick Zweig: I still have a shot.
- Tashi Donaldson: You're 31. You have a better shot with a handgun in your mouth.
- [Patrick chuckles in awe]
- Tashi Donaldson: I mean, why don't you go home? Go home, ask your parents for a seat on the board, or you know what, matter of fact, ask them for some money. Okay? Go be like every other spoiled kid who has ever amounted to nothing in their fucking life, and stop this performance of being a down-on-your-luck professional.
- Patrick Zweig: Tashi...
- Tashi Donaldson: No, you're not 20 years old anymore, and it's not cute to be walking around pretending like you need to grind it out at these bum-fuck tournaments and sleep in your fucking car. And it is unforgivable that you would ask me to devote a single second of my fucking time to help you achieve your fucking dreams. What dreams, Patrick. You never had any!
- Patrick Zweig: Is that what you and Art are doing? Living the dream?
- Tashi Donaldson: That is exactly what the fuck we're doing.
- Patrick Zweig: Then how come you hate him?
- [Tashi is actually caught off guard]
- Patrick Zweig: You do. It's obvious you do. You can feel him giving up already, even though you know he's not going to retire until you let him.
- Tashi Donaldson: He is a grown man. He can do whatever he wants.
- Patrick Zweig: Sure, sure, but he doesn't. He does whatever you want. Except now, he's not even pretending to like it. He's dreaming about eating hamburgers again. Watching your daughter, um...
- [snaps his fingers, trying to remember]
- Patrick Zweig: Uh, Lily, grow up. Maybe doing some commentary on the Tennis Channel... He's ready to be dead. And you're starting to realize you might not want to be buried with him, because what is he to you if he's not playing tennis?
- Tashi Donaldson: So, that's what you think he is to me. A racket and a dick.
- Patrick Zweig: [Patrick shrugs] Does Art know about Atlanta? You keep saying you came here because Art needed matches. I think you came for something else.
- Tashi Donaldson: [Tashi laughs, insulted] You think I came here for you? You think I came here to throw it all away for you?
- Patrick Zweig: Maybe you just wanted to see me.
- Tashi Donaldson: I have seen you. You look like shit.
- Patrick Zweig: I'm going to beat him. If we both make it to the final, I'm going to beat him.
- Tashi Donaldson: Even if you could beat him, it wouldn't change anything.
- Patrick Zweig: It'll break him, you know it will.
- Tashi Donaldson: It won't make you, okay? It's too late for that.
- Patrick Zweig: When were you gonna tell me about Art?
- Tashi Donaldson: Thought you knew about that.
- Patrick Zweig: I mean... I feel bad because I know he's in pain, but...
- Tashi Donaldson: Right, but?
- Patrick Zweig: What?
- Tashi Donaldson: You're not intimidated by him?
- Patrick Zweig: No.
- Tashi Donaldson: Really?
- Patrick Zweig: No.
- Tashi Donaldson: Well, you should be.
- Patrick Zweig: -Uh-huh. Why?
- Tashi Donaldson: Because he's smart.
- Patrick Zweig: Yeah.
- Tashi Donaldson: He's good looking.
- Patrick Zweig: Yeah.
- Tashi Donaldson: And he's really fucking good at tennis.
- Patrick Zweig: Oh he's always been very good.
- Tashi Donaldson: Yeah but he's gotten a lot better since he's been here.
- Patrick Zweig: Are the two of us still playing for your number? I thought I won.
- Tashi Donaldson: That's your problem. You always think you won before the match is over.
- Patrick Zweig: Are we talking about tennis?
- Tashi Donaldson: We're always talking about tennis.
- Patrick Zweig: Can we not?
- Tashi Donaldson: [annoyed] Sure.
- Art Donaldson: He's not in love with you.
- Tashi Donaldson: What makes you think I want someone to be in love with me? Did I ever say I was in love with him?
- Art Donaldson: You didn't.
- Tashi Donaldson: So why would I give a fuck if he loved me or not?
- Art Donaldson: I guess you wouldn't.
- Tashi Donaldson: Cool.
- Art Donaldson: Cool.
- [Tashi starts walking away]
- Art Donaldson: Don't you think you deserve it?
- Tashi Donaldson: Jesus fucking Christ.
- Art Donaldson: I mean, who wouldn't be in love with you?
- Tashi Donaldson: I think you might be the worst friend in the world.
- Art Donaldson: Maybe.
- Tashi Donaldson: Definitely!
- Patrick Zweig: Look, I'm happy they like you here, I just don't need you to be my coach.
- Tashi Donaldson: Well, someone needs to be.
- Patrick Zweig: Can we just start over?
- Tashi Donaldson: What do you think you need from me? Honestly, what do you think you need from me? A cheerleader? A girlfriend? A fuck buddy? Like, there's plenty of girls out here that would love to be your girlfriend, okay? You're charming. You're talented, you got a big dick. Just go be with one of them.
- Patrick Zweig: Is this, like, a new strategy you're using to pump yourself up before the match? Have a little fight to get the energy going?
- Tashi Donaldson: I don't need a fight to get the energy going.
- Patrick Zweig: No. Just an hour of meditation.
- Tashi Donaldson: And what, you think that's lame?
- Patrick Zweig: I think it's unnecessary given you're playing Sally Fucking Country Club from Pepperdine.
- Tashi Donaldson: And how's coasting by on talent going for you? You know how ridiculous it is to hear you call me every week, talking about all the ways that you're getting screwed over on tour? As if that's a good use of my fucking time?
- Patrick Zweig: Well, excuse me for inconveniencing you.
- Tashi Donaldson: You are, actually. I need to be alone, so can I just meet you there?
- Patrick Zweig: No.
- Tashi Donaldson: What?
- Patrick Zweig: I'm not going to the match. Not if you think you can just dismiss me. I'm not some fucking lapdog who's just gonna sit around and let you punish me. I'm not Art. Or maybe you need someone like that. Someone who's gonna hop on board and be Mr. Tashi Duncan.
- Tashi Donaldson: Is that what you think I want?
- Patrick Zweig: Yeah. A member of the fan club.
- Tashi Donaldson: You're not a member of my fan club?
- Patrick Zweig: I'm your peer. I'm not your fucking groupie, and I'm definitely not your student.
- Tashi Donaldson: All right.
- Patrick Zweig: Good luck, champ.
- Art Donaldson: She's not coming.
- Patrick Zweig: She might.
- Art Donaldson: You made it sound like we wanted to fuck her in here.
- Patrick Zweig: We do want to fuck her in here.
- Art Donaldson: Okay, yeah, maybe. But what was your plan? All right, let's say she did come over. Then what? We just like, keep shooting our shot until she ends up making out with one of us, hopefully, and the other one sits in the bathroom?
- Patrick Zweig: Sure, if it came to that. What? You think that's beneath you?
- Art Donaldson: I think it's beneath her.
- Patrick Zweig: What if she chooses you? You won't feel comfortable sending me away?
- Art Donaldson: She's not coming, Patrick!
- [a knock is heard at the door]
- Tashi Donaldson: Why the fuck am I in your car?
- Patrick Zweig: Because you're stupid.
- Tashi Donaldson: You're stupid.
- Patrick Zweig: I know. I'm just not as disturbed by it as you are. I don't have nearly that high an opinion of myself.
- Tashi Donaldson: You are the most egotistical person I have ever met in my life.
- Patrick Zweig: Oh sure, sure. But I've never been confused about the fact that I'm a piece of shit. That's what you like about me.
- Tashi Donaldson: I don't like anything about you.
- Patrick Zweig: No, you like precisely one thing about me and it's that I'm such a piece of shit that I can actually see you for what you are.
- Tashi Donaldson: And what is that?
- Patrick Zweig: In reality? A really... really, insanely hot woman.
- Tashi Donaldson: Oh, fuck off.
- Patrick Zweig: I guess now you could say a MILF.
- Tashi Donaldson: Pull over.
- Art Donaldson: So, how's the tour? No fun stuff?
- Patrick Zweig: Like what?
- Art Donaldson: I don't know, Are you seeing anybody?
- Patrick Zweig: What do you mean? I'm taken. What do you think I'm doing here?
- Art Donaldson: You're not here to visit me?
- Patrick Zweig: What?
- Art Donaldson: You're really committing to this thing?
- Patrick Zweig: To Tashi?
- Art Donaldson: Hmmm.
- Patrick Zweig: Yeah. I mean, we're taking it step by step, but, you know... I like her, I think she'd make me an honest man. You don't believe me?
- Art Donaldson: No, I'm just... I'm not sure how she's thinking about all of this. I don't want you to get hurt.
- Patrick Zweig: You don't want me to get hurt?
- Art Donaldson: Hmmm.
- Patrick Zweig: Did she say something to you?
- Art Donaldson: No. I just got the impression she's not thinking about this as a serious relationship.
- Patrick Zweig: You got that impression?
- Art Donaldson: From a conversation we had.
- Patrick Zweig: Huh.
- Art Donaldson: Hmmm.
- Patrick Zweig: [smiling, embracing Art] You fucking snake! Honestly, I'm proud of you. I'd be doing the same thing.
- Art Donaldson: I'm not doing anything.
- Patrick Zweig: It's fine! It's exciting to see you this way. It's what's been missing from your tennis.
- Art Donaldson: [annoyed] What?
- Patrick Zweig: It's nice to see you lit up about something. Even if that something is my girlfriend.
- Art Donaldson: That's what the two of you are calling each other now?
- Patrick Zweig: Hmmm. You know this makes it hotter for me, right? You sitting here pining for her.
- Art Donaldson: I would never do anything to get in the way of you...
- Patrick Zweig: I know.
- Art Donaldson: ... and your girlfriend.
- Patrick Zweig: I know. It's not your style. You're playing percentage tennis. Waiting for me to fuck up.
- [Patrick takes a bite from Art's churro. Hands it over to Art, who bites it]
- Patrick Zweig: Come on, walk me over there.