Opposites Attract

Cash Markman is capable of turning in an interesting feature, witness his clever spoof "Get Lucky" (but not the sequel, unfortunately). "Opposites Attract" is a typical Penthouse grinder in which he didn't even make a rudimentary effort.

Even the title premise is a phony - a couple of the requisite 5 sex vignettes deal with a seemingly mis-matched couple that proves the rule, but most of the show is just pointless sex filler that doesn't even relate to the supposed concept.

Case in point, a hammy Evan Stone is cast with Dylan Ryder as bikers who are put up in a girly pink decor motel room after having their hearts set on a more appropriate Medieval Torture Chamber setting. They make do and have sex in the frilly environment, with Dylan squirting to beat the band. Supposedly this shows their "true colors" coming out (along with that stream of urine) but how that relates to "Opposites Attract" is beyond me.

Other lame segments include: Randy Spears unconvincingly (and taking overacting honors) portraying a cultural snob on the verge of moving out of his condo due to the arrival of new next door neighbor, a low-down stripper. Turns out she digs the classical music he blasts to drown out any noise she's making, and they turn out to be a nice couple. Yawn-o-rama.

Mason Moore's huge tits mesmerize the typecast Dane Cross, fumbling around for the 20th time as a nerdy kid hooking up with a MILF. Since Penthouse helped run MILF-oriented porn into the ground this vignette is a waste of time. Structurally each vignette begins with a character narrating to set up the situation, but they forget to dub in either Moore or Cross so this one glaringly opens up silent -zero quality control.

Final segment with Monique Alexander tries to be romantic but is scored with an inappropriate ethereal imitation of folk music in the Chieftains vein - simply terrible.

Low point is Cash trying to appear hip and infra dig and failing as usual. (He seems to want to launch into a meta-film at every opportunity but never demonstrates the chops to pull it off.) Nick Manning is recognized by a girl in a bar as the porn star Nick Manning, and he takes her to his room and humps her. Supposedly she sees through his ultra-crass on-screen image to discern the real Nick inside. Pricelessly inane attempt at self-satire has Markman making her say: "I think that 'dropping loads' is Nick's way of saying 'I love you'". Yes, Nick insists on screaming "Dropping loads!" to announce his cum shots - I had just sat through one such spectacle in the terrible PT video "Car Wash". Nick even looks into the camera to show us what a good sport he is at the end of this yucky scene.

Final insult is Penthouse's usual bait & switch of having a lovely Pet as hostess knitting the scenes together as best she can, but never getting down herself. So the more desirable she is, the less satisfied the audience will be. In this case it is Jayden Cole, reciting drivel from Cash's pen, and only taking off her bathing suit as the end credits roll.