- Blaine: Is it just me, or am I the only one who can't seem to find someone special. I beg the question: Am I the only gay man who's looking for more than what's behind the zipper? Why, in an ocean of beautiful men, do I feel like I'm alone at sea?
- Ernie: Listen: writers - when they're alone, they're prophetic; when they're with people, they're pathetic. They're just too in their heads.
- Blaine: Being average in a world of physical perfection is the worst kind of gay purgatory.
- Xander: He wouldn't hurt a fly - unless it was open.
- Michelle: Your parents are simple, ignorant people. They love you; they just can't accept you.
- Michelle: Cameron is your roommate. He is not your friend. Why do you keep confusing the two?
- Blaine: He's a gay man. We have a code of ethics, you know.
- [Blaine laments that Xander slept with Cameron under the mistaken impression that he was Blaine]
- Michelle: As far as Xander's concerned, he didn't do anything wrong. He slept with you - well, I mean "Blaine" - and you can't blame him for that.
- Blaine: Nope, I can't, but I can't be happy about it. Christ! I just hope I wasn't any good!
- Barista: That'll be $7.50.
- Blaine: Well, it's usually only, like, $5.50.
- Barista: It's aggravation charge. Since I'm the only one working today, pay it or leave it.
- Michelle: You know you belong in a mental institute, right? And I say that from a place of love.
- Blaine: Why do I tolerate you?
- Antonio: I totally wanna write for USA To-Gay. I'm working on this sample column called Circuit News. It's important news for, you know, circuit people in the crowd.
- Blaine: That's a great idea. Another guide to where you can find cheap, empty, unfulfilled, drug-induced sex.
- Ernie: I knew it was just a matter of time before you walked out and left me alone here living my dreary life. You know, looks fading, withering away on the vine, everyday a step closer to the grave.
- Ernie: [knocking on Xander's door] I got some apple dumplings out here. Come on out.
- Xander: I'm kind of busy in here.
- Ernie: Phone sex? Better wear a condom. You can never be too safe.
- Ernie: [knocking on Xander's door] Xander?
- Xander: [to Blaine on the phone] Hang on.
- Xander: [calling to Ernie] What's up?
- Ernie: Oh, I think we all know the answer to that question.
- Xander: Okay, let me rephrase it: What can I help you with?
- Ernie: Oh, just tell the hottie, that if he's tired of youth, then experience is just down the hall and past the credenza.
- Xander: Mm-hm. Will do.
- Xander: We drank, then went on back to his place where I puked and passed out.
- Ernie: Oh, God. The good old days.
- Cameron: Hey, uh, you know anything about gonorrhea? Balls are on fire.
- Blaine: It's probably nothing. Just put a little Johnson & Johnson on your johnson.
- Xander: [seeing Ernie's tears] Did you miss the fact that this is a horror film and they all got slaughtered by a homicidal maniac?
- Ernie: Oh, I don't know. It's just the irony of it, you know? Don't you see that it's the tragic end of youth and beauty that's caused by the ugliness and bitterness of an empty heart. Hey, it's a god-damn masterpiece.
- Xander: Well, now that you mention it...
- Ernie: Yeah, it's like Sweeney Todd without the music... or Angela.
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