Birdemic: Shock and Terror

First of all, to approach "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" with any kind of hope of witnessing a good feature film is utter lunacy. "Amateur" is a word a thousand times too generous for this film's description. Even given its low budget of $10,000, the majority of which seems to have gone on car fuel, the film is a joke. The acting is unspeakably bad, the "special" effects aren't worth mentioning, the music is corny and inappropriate, and the film's editing techniques have all the marvel of a flip-book.

The only way to enjoy this film is to treat it as exactly that, a joke. The above faults of the film are so glaring that the film becomes one huge joke that you can laugh along to. However, even this joke wears thin pretty quickly, and you're left feeling quite empty, as if you've been cheated out of 95 minutes of your life.

Nonetheless, I am firmly convinced that it is the director James Nguyen who is having the last laugh, as he has created a film so notoriously bad that everyone wants to see it. Perhaps the joke is on us, and the director's intention was to see just how popular this film could be through its infamy. Even so, absolutely nothing can forgive how bad this film really is. It makes Battlefield Earth feel like Star Wars, and makes the special effects of 1933's King Kong look like those of Avatar. It is, quite simply, the worst film ever committed to celluloid.

Watching the trailer, I actually had a decent laugh, and thought it might be worth it. But having watched the finished product, the knowledge that somebody spent $10,000 making this ugly piece of garbage and then having the audacity to call it a film is infuriating, and actually quite offensive. People were PAID to produce this. With MONEY. I still don't believe it.

Don't be fooled by the rating. You have to watch "Birdemic" at some point.

This movies outshines "Troll 2" in every respect. It puts "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "The Room" to shame. Imagine a movie that would be created solely to give film students a paper topic on how NOT to make movies. Every conceivable error has been made in making "Birdemic." At first, you simply won't be able to believe that the film is not a spoof. But if you read about the film and about Nguyen, and if you take a few moments to watch the additional material on the DVD, you will soon agree that this was just a misguided effort on the entire production team's part.

The sound is the most outstanding example of sheer incompetence. The director clearly understood what Foley is, since the gunshots have all been added post-production, but I guess they just didn't have the time or money to dub the vast majority of the film after shooting. And it needs it. Badly.

The acting is uniformly terrible. Not bad. Terrible. Alan Bragh doesn't even rise to the level of fourth grade pageants. Whitney Moore is cute as a button and is aided by a bit of camel-toe in at least one scene, but she's the best of a poor lot. All the supporting cast is "give your financial backers a small part" bad.

If you want to explain blocking, editing, framing, sound markers, continuity, reverse shots, and other film terms to your friends, this is the film to use. None of it is done correctly.

While the CGI (and I use the term in only the broadest sense) birds are hilarious, my favorite scene is the "retirement" scene. I think that the word "retirement" is used six times in just three lines. Watch for it. It's hard to miss.

BUT...it's strangely watchable. In contrast to many bad movies, it's not boring. Consider it a train wreck that you simply can't tear your eyes from. Even the boring scenes (and there really aren't that many) have some aspect (poor sound, hilariously unrealistic dialogue, odd things going on in the background) that fascinate. You'll be giggling and poking your elbow into the side of the person beside you.

So, go rent it. Really. You won't regret it.

Sometimes there is a film that comes along that boggles the mind. You cannot believe the thing exists, but there it is, paddling its arms forward like a Special Olympics finalist (and no, this is not a joke on the Special Olympics - they're too good for Birdemic: Shock and Terror). The movie tricks a viewer like yours truly; at first, having not seen anything made by its director, the inimitable James Nguyen - he has two other films to his credit, Replica and Julie and Jack, neither seen by me (just as well, one of whom gives its highest praise as "Ed Wood quality" on IMDb) - I wasn't sure what I was really seeing, if it was either the highest or lowest of artistic expression.

The film takes place in some sunny seaside community on the California coast - as we're made PAINFULLY CLEAR in the opening from-the-car driving shots (immediately calling to mind the opening credits of Manos: The Hands of Fate) - and is about how Rod (Alan Bough) and Nathalie (Whitney Moore), who meet one day by chance, he a successful solar-panel salesman and she a Victoria's Secret model (she just made the cover!) Oh, and there's an almost inexplicable warning of a crazy-killer bird epidemic on the news, from, um, I guess it's global warming. And after about a half hour of almost *nothing* going on between these two pieces of cardboard-as-actors, the birds finally arrive.... oh yes, how they arrive.

What I mean by my uncertainty of what I was seeing, it felt like a double-edged sword. I kept thinking during the film, 'either Nguyen is a total genius, crafting the most intentionally bad movie in recent memory, or he's quite possible the most sickening hack you've never wanted to meet.' It's one thing that the film was shot on a shitty camcorder. It's another that the actors appear to be non-professionals or at best from community theater (Alan Bagh is so stiff he just might make your eyes bleed; Moore is too hot to have that happen, though her talent is just as nill).

But it's something else how absolutely, and surprisingly consistently, awful the film-making is. Even if you've never taken a class in proper lighting or sound or stage direction or editing, Birdemic shines so mightily in its crap-ness. Scenes start and end without a proper marker, as if the editor didn't know how to flow from one scene- one SHOT- to the next. Sound is completely mis-matched from one shot to the next. The music is the kind of synthesizer work that cranked up loud enough could drive Bin-Laden out of his cave (they even go as far as to rip-off the John Lennon song "Imagine" for a girl character wearing a "Imagine Peace" shirt. And the birds... oh, boy, the birds (if you need further proof, watch the trailer, do yourself a favor and get it out of the way).

Now, again, experiencing this film, especially in the case I had in a theater with people perhaps anticipating its awfulness based on the trailer or the website or the claim by Nguyen to be a "Master of the Romantic Thriller" (Trademarked. I'm not kidding), that this is perhaps just a brilliant prank, a satire of epic proportions. Certainly the "message" part of the movie- and it's wielded with such a sledgehammer it would make Stanley Kramer look like Jim Jarmusch - is done to such a ludicrous extent, with characters appearing for walk-on scenes like a Old-man Biologist who appears to explain that the birds were caused by man's harm to the planet, or the "Tree-Man" in the woods who has a tree-house home and finds the birds don't attack him because he's in the woods and not out on the road like the rest of stupid man-animal civilization. Not to mention the rather *listen to us now* attitude of the main characters driving their hybrid cars and seeing An Inconvenient Truth (I s**t you not, this is in the movie) and their silly solar panels. Who ever heard of that working really well?

All of this could, potentially, really be just a put-on of such a magnitude that I would want to shake Nguyen's hand for pulling off such a feat. But, no, Nguyen took himself very seriously during this production, only slightly changing his tune after the fact of people seeing the film like the audience in The Producers seeing "Springtime for Hitler" for the first time (if you need proof, look at this NY Times article quote: "I never went to film school," Mr. Nguyen said. "But I did go to what you'd call the film school of Hitchcock cinema."). I'll give him that he had persistence in getting the film out there, even showing it in bars around the Sundance film festival when he couldn't get in. The masses of sober people puking all around him should have given him a clearer idea of what he had though.

Oh, don't get me wrong, Birdemic is absolutely, hysterically, historically, gloriously funny. It's a magnificent fresco of horrible CGI (the birds just float, like a screensaver), and non-existent acting, and plot that... wait, what plot? And who needs an ending that makes sense either, or shots that match up? It's so funny that I ended up feeling just a wee-bit guilty by the end. It's easy to mock this movie, like a bully on the playground mocking the kid with Cerebal Palsy. If the film isn't an intentional anti-film, then it's just a really bad Manos/Ed-Wood level movie, and all of the hilarity that ensues from it is kind of expected. It's not even worthy of Asylum DVD status. Alongside The Room, After Last Season, and Severed Ways, it's one of the real no-budget bad-movie finds of the past ten years. A must-see, for every wrong reason imaginable.

I don't know where to begin this review. It is a film that completely fails at every step of the movie making process. From directing, to acting, to writing, to camera operation, to scene structure, to pacing, to visual effects, to sound editing... The list goes on. I watched birdemic thinking it was a 'deliberately bad so it's funny' kinda movie. It's not. You can see the films director James Nguyan takes himself completely seriously with the global warming message jammed down our throats. I spent the majority of the hour and thirty minute run time laughing in disbelief that this movie exists. It is a film you have to watch, if only to know how to gauge a bad movie in the future. I was just wondering what fundamental error they were going to make next. Overall birdemic is a fascinating piece of work simply because it is truly awful cinema. So terrible that it's unintentionally hilarious. I would absolutely classify it as a must watch.

Where does one start? How can you mentally digest something like Birdemic? I am still in shock. I have seen some shitty movies in my time. But Birdemic, friends and neighbors, is the worst movie in the history of film-making, on this planet or in any other dimension for that matter. It is bad, OMG, right off the scale on the shitometer. The acting? Poor Alan Bagh, is he a living, walking wooden plank? Special effects? I swear, the birds are cardboard cutouts dangling from strings. For some reason, they explode when they hit something. Why? Why is that? Can't somebody explain, for freak's sake?

Everything stinks so very gaggingly. A rhesus monkey with a camcorder poking out of its arse would do better. Beware, my friends, beware of this abomination that is Birdemic.