Paris Hilton's My New BFF

This is my first review on IMDb as I felt this has to be said: This mindless drivel should be banned, yes BANNED from ever being broadcast. How this egoistical, train-wreck of a show gets funded and passed for viewing is beyond every law of comprehension. I would seriously have more joy in watching a gray concrete wall being corroded by the rain than ever watching a single second of anything to do with Paris Hilton. Talentless beyond belief, she exudes the most pathetic character ever witnessed and those attempting to be her so-called 'BFF' make you awe in wonder at the level of intelligence on offer, which I would say like the show itself, is lower than the excretory product evacuated from the bowels of a common hog.

Just as I had thought that the "reality TV" market had already snatched up all the people with mental illnesses and all those cheap/unknown dime-a-dozen unemployed actors-for-hire, Paris Hilton's new MTV program proves that there is a seemingly inexhaustible supply of those two grade-Z media viruses.

To dismiss all the candidates as insane would be gullible. To label all of them as paid actors would be to underestimate the size of the pool of lunatics and morons that inhabit this sad little planet.

I believe that the assignments/tests should have been much better. A few suggestions:

1) The contestants get to shoot a porn film. Paris looks at the footage, and picks the girl with the smallest breast and the most idiotic grin.

2) The contestants are placed into large handbags, and pretend to be Paris's pet for 24 hours. The winner is expected to s*** 2-3 times, lick Hilton's derrière at least 5 times, and let Paris shove dog-food down their throat without complaining.

3) Each contestant is given exact replicas of Paris's 23 engagement rings. They then have to name as many of her 23 ex-fiancés as they can remember, and then write an essay on why they think Paris has to fake being "wife material" to the naïve public by being in a permanent state of "engagement".

4) A Paris Hilton Look-alike Competition. Each contestant gets a horror-movie make-up kit, and has to try to duplicate Paris's lazy eye and moronic grin to the best of their abilities.

5) The I.Q. test. All contestants with a score higher than 55 are automatically sent home. This would be the "April Fool's Day" assignment because none of the contestants would be eliminated after this round.

6) The South Park episode featuring Paris Hilton in the starring role is played in its entirety. The contestants would then have to explain whether what they just saw was an animated satire or a costume drama.

7) The contestants have to successfully complete an entire month's worth of impersonating any one of PH's three former best friends: Lindsey Lohan impersonators will be forced to have sex with an ugly female DJ, Britney Spears imitators will have to dance with a snake while lip-lynching out-of-synch in a phony dumb-U.S.-girlie "baby-voice", and Nicole Ritchie impersonators are expected to get themselves impregnated by a fat tattooed pop/baby-punk singer. (The fetuses will be later aborted in a "Paris Hilton MTV Abortion Special" and donated to PETA to feed the dolphins with.)

8) The VD assignment. "Collect as many venereal diseases in a 90-minute period as you can." The winner will be absolved from assignment 1.

I used to like Paris Hilton...her not so typical personality and her not so typical sense of fashion. She was different and special, that's why people watched The Simple Life, The Hottie and the Nottie and other productions in which she starred. That's why millions of people typed her name in searching bars and probably listened to her (not so great) songs. But now...seriously. "My new BFF"? First of all a BFF can't be new. Second of all you can't put people to drink alcohol and party until they feel sick. (and then blame them) This show has no essence, it's just another attempt to get the attention on her but she failed. She used to be at least interesting but now she has a bad attitude, she calls the contestants "pets" or "dolls" and she is so embarrassing trying to be bossy.

1/10 [0 isn't available]

This is proof that you don't need talent to make it big in the show biz. Just be born in the right family and have connections and then you get to be plastered all over the media.

There are no words to describe how truly horrible this show is, but I'll try my best. This show is quite probably the worst show ever made, with the most awful premise ever. Before this, there were some horrid reality programs, such as Parental Control or My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancée, but my word! How can anything be worse than this?! Paris Hilton needs to lay low for a couple decades until she's matured to maybe the age of an 18 year old.

Paris Hilton wants a new best friend, so she puts random girls through these tests to see if they'll be her new BFF. These tests include making the girls dance for her, and making them keep secrets and not keep rumors going, and finding cute guys. The question then is does Paris want a new best friend, or does she want a new slave/entertainer to keep her company? At the end of each episode, Paris tearfully says goodbye to someone who just doesn't make the cut to be her best friend forever.

What an awful premise!!! How can Paris possibly find a best friend by putting these people through tests and spending limited time with them? It seems like these girls on the show would eventually bond with each other and get mad at Paris for getting rid of their friends. Even when someone wins this show, their friendship with Paris could be nothing but very artificial. Paris might as well have a show where girls lick dog feces off her shoes, and whichever one licks the most wins Paris Hilton's admiration. That's how vein this show is. The veins in my brain are popping as I try to comprehend who would make this show, and who would enjoy it.

It's crude, it's vein and it's absolutely the worst show to ever grace the small screen. Watching this too long will kill brain cells, and may cause mental retardation.

My rating: BOMB out of ****. 30 mins. TV14