- Lou: Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a fuck?
- Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?
- Girl at Club: Can you what?
- Jacob: Are you online at all?
- Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?
- Girl at Club: You come find me.
- Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.
- Adam: [to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!
- Jacob: For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.
- Lou: You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.
- Nick: Excuse me Miss, what color is Michael Jackson?
- Girl At Bar: ...black?
- Nick: AAHHH!
- Lou: [Trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister! I'm doing it! Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen. Little Tiny Jacobs!
- Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?
- Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.
- Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.
- Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.
- Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?
- Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.
- Nick: Don't say that!
- Lou: I'm sorry, I do!
- Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.
- Adam: Whats in it?
- Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.
- Nick: Lou, why would he do this?
- Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.
- Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.
- Adam: He has a mountain of debt.
- Nick: He hates his mother.
- Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.
- Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.
- Adam: He's got halitosis.
- Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up
- Adam: Oh yeah!
- Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.
- Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.
- Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!
- Jacob: Do I really got to be the asshole that says we got in this thing and went back in time?
- Nick: It must be some kind of hot tub time machine...
- [deadpans into camera]
- Lou: If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon, I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself.
- Jacob: [To Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason, I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!
- Adam: One little change has a ripple effect, and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes, or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.
- Jacob: Yes, exactly. You step on the bug, and the fucking internet is never invented.
- Lou: Oh, then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.
- Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.
- Lou: Yeah; No, I don't care about that.
- April: Maybe the universe will bring us together again...
- Kelly: Whatever! I'm gonna go to a party at the ski patrol house, I'm gonna find a sexy instructor and I'm gonna wax his fuckin' pole. Later, homos.
- Lou: Outta my way, stool!
- Nick, Lou, Adam: [Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.
- April: You got to embrace the chaos. You have to. That way, life might just astonish you.
- Customer: Don't I know you? I know you! You're the singer from Chocolate Lipstick. You guys used to play at the Jam Shack on Friday nights.
- Nick: Damn! You remember that?
- Customer: Yeah. You were so good.
- Customer: Oh my God. Are you still singing?
- Nick: No no, that was a long time ago.
- Customer: Oh wow. What are you doing now?
- Customer: You get shit shit out of dog's asses. That's great.
- Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.
- Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!
- Lou: It's still a three-way!
- Lou: If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick.
- Jacob: The taxidermist is stuffing my mother.
- Jacob: [about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchbag from Karate Kid 3.
- Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!
- Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.
- Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!
- Lou: Okay lay down. We got a stupid baby to make.
- Nick: Just like Cincinatti.
- Lou: What?
- Adam: You're gonna bring that up?
- Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?
- Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?
- Adam: Yeah!
- Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!
- Nick: You keep it in the closet?
- Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.
- Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?
- Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?
- Jacob: Is it a fetus?
- Nick: My friends are ridiculous.
- Lou: God. Relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friends face before.
- Receptionist: I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.
- Lou: [overhears Nick's name] ... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *fucking* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?
- Nick: It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.
- Adam: I knew this trip was a bad idea. Every time I hang out with you, man, it's some kind of shit storm. I got guilted into coming on this trip and now I'm back in the fuckin' '80s. And I hate this decade!
- Adam: The carving you made 20 years ago, about me sucking cocks and dicks, it's not there.
- Lou: Wait. Is "cocks" still there?
- Adam: Nothing. I mean, it's not there.
- Lou: What about "dicks"?
- Adam: Neither "cocks," nor "dicks," nor "sucks."
- Lou: Oh, God!
- Nick: That's it. We're stuck in the fuckin' '80s!
- Lou: Wow! I don't remember her being that fucking beautiful.
- Nick: And tight. She's so tight.
- Lou: She's really fuckin' tight!
- Jenny: God, I can't stop thinking about last night. It was like - friggin' hot.
- Adam: It was? What did we do? I don't remember.
- Jenny: You lasted, like, 10 minutes.
- Lou: The butterfly effect can suck my nuts!
- Nick: I don't like you taking liberties with my dick.
- Adam: I'm not really making any plans. I'm just sort of letting the universe surprise me, right?
- April: I like that. I like that a lot. That's the sign of a happy man.
- Lou: [singing] You know that I've seen, Too many romantic dreams, Up in lights, Falling off the silver screen, My heart's like an open book, For the whole world to read, Sometimes nothing keeps me together, At the seams, I'm on my way, I'm on my way, Home sweet home...
- Jacob: [from trailer] Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?
- Lou: [to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't fuckin' lie to me, every one of you people have ritalin.
- Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan, but it's different.
- Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
- Jacob: It's not a suppository!
- Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!
- Jacob: [Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.
- Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.
- April: What happened to your...
- Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.
- Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?
- Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?
- Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.
- Jacob: That all sounds overrated.
- Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.
- Tara: Tara.
- Nick: Courtney.
- Tara: Tara.
- Nick: Courtney.
- Tara: No seriously my name is Tara.
- Nick: Not you, my wife.
- Tara: You're married?
- Nick: No, not yet, she's nine.
- Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.
- Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".
- Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?
- Nick: [on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?
- Lou: Let's go to the bar, plan our empire. Fucking iPods, you know? Fucking Prius. Match.com. Anything.com. Fucking Internet.com! Fucking Zac Efron. Nobody invented him yet. What about Twitter? Whatever the fuck that is. Hey, we could combine Twitter with fucking Viagra. Twitt-agra.
- Rick: Get him a body bag, Blaine!
- Adam: By all counts we should be pretty fucked up right now, but I - I kind of feel great.
- Nick: I feel crazy right now.
- Lou: I feel fantastic! I wanna *fuck* somethin'!
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