Abduction

ABDUCTION: The town of Process is located somewhere in rural New Jersey (where else?).

It's been in existence for over 100 years, although it's not on any known map. It's a nice place to visit, with lovely shops and friendly people. That is unless you are single, young, healthy and good looking! It's even worse if you are a female of childbearing age.

The town has a very lucrative underground and Internet business specializing in selling human organs for transplant, selling babies to loving couples who are barren and auctioning young women into sex slavery. They also have specialty shops which do a brisk business in antiques, leather crafts, custom wigs and used automobiles. The town's patriarch, Jacob, is in control of everything and rules the town with his nephew, Johnny, that is until they kidnap the wrong girl. Unbeknownst to Jacob and his followers, they kidnap a popular, well not popular in the United States yet, Brazilian Hip Hop Star named Bella. What follows is their attempt to dispose of ...

Right off the bat...the music in the opening credits put you off. They don't fit. It sets the pace for a bad time had by all. Whomever chose this score had to be way high. It makes zero sense. And you have to sit through it through the entire opening credits!

Then comes the really really bad acting where girls sound like they are reading from a cue card. Bad reading too.

Then there is the cut away editing that is so choppy it's annoying.

And someone actually says the Internet is the wave of the future! The film was taped in 2009!!!!! This IS the future fellows. You missed it. There is no coherent story and that music keeps coming back! Oh MYYYYY. Gag me with a spoon and shoot me in the head. This has to be one of the worst movies ever made. And IMDb says it's budget was $500K!!! Where's the money go? Crack?

First victim breaks up with her BF and actually sez she went out "drive- ink." I repeat: DRIVE-INK. Where did they find these people? Then she gets tasered into a pool and they take her out with a tiny fishing net that's you'd use for trout.

OMG. There is not one frame that makes sense.

Alright so, I have come to the unfortunate, realistic conclusion that as of fifteen minutes ago, myself and my roommate have officially lost and will never be able to gain the- what? almost two hours of our life we had lost watching this atrociously filmed movie. I agree with everyone's negative comments, such as, not being able to believe that it was able to be filmed and both release. Or, about how they definitely put way more effort into the title cover rather than focusing realistically on the story and plot. There's absolutely no way this could ever happen, and be carried out successfully. I wonder how many individuals have this on Blue Ray? Not many I bet. And what the hell was up with Bella breast feeding a bloody stuffed bear? All I can say is that I'm kind of happy I wasn't on any source of hard core drugs use or else I think I would have had the trip of my life if I haven't already trying to figure out this crazy movie.

... but all you would need is the DVD box for that, right? I bought my copy on eBay; five bucks down the drain! Thank you to the seller who gave me free shipping. My questions: Did the director read the script? WAS there a script? Was the editor on hallucinogenics while working? Is John Orrichio someone who inherited $100,000 and spent at least half of it asking people in his neighborhood if they wanted to be in a movie? Does he have another relative with a failing breast augmentation clinic who offered to get him laid in return for some free advertising? Was that surgeon on the same hallucinogenics as the editor? "Rocky Horror" was a low-budget classic. What is the opposite of classic? This is it.

OK .. watched this on netflix last night - so did not have to spend extra money on this junk.

Made with little budget and devoid of any production value, the movie goes on for a little under two hours, often without purpose and always with poor acting.

In fact the acting is so bad, that it is worse than a porn movie.

The director tried to spice things up with some T&A. But the scenes had no real sex appeal as the women's faces were mostly covered in a hood. Actually not sure if the hood thing was a blessing in disguise. Most of the women who showed skin in this flick were by and large unattractive.

An earlier review mentioned that this is John Orrichio's best film. That may very well be.

But that speaks volumes of John Orrichio's other efforts.

Problem: You're a relatively ugly looking guy, and you want to see some large breasted, but rather homely otherwise, women topless. But when you ask, they just laugh at you.

Solution: Buy a digital camera, and get a few of your plain friends and make a "movie" and invite these solidly average women with large breasts, I mean on a scale of 1 to 10 these "actresses" are a 6 at best even with artificial tits, to "star" in it.

And the result is this film. I give it a zero for acting, but added 1 point for having the balls to release what is obviously a scam targeted at desperate women trying to "make it" in the movies well beyond their prime. I also added another point for the tits. But I subtracted that point again, since the tits were AWFUL. Whoever did the boob-jobs on these women (grandmothers?) should have their license revoked.