Rock Monster

Science fiction movies are almost a dime a dozen, so you need to do something fairly creative. This one simply puts a bit of charm in the movie. It isn't a classic, and I can't understand the votes of "10", but neither can I understand the votes of "1". The characters are fairly engaging, and the movie has its moments. It doesn't exactly have the cohesiveness of a sit down movie, but like most movies made in the last thirty years, it is meant to be viewed while doing housework, chores, or on the elliptical or exercise bike. It is more about scenes and atmosphere. An American in a backwards looking European countryside, straight out of the old vampire days, takes a sword out of a stone, and awakens a rock monster. Not great science, but neither is most Science Fiction. The movie gets a lift in the rating mostly due to the heroine's father, who does a parody of Robert Shaw in "Jaws", almost to the letter. The director had the good sense of humor to show some reactions to his speech, taking advantage of the comic double take. Bits and pieces make this a fairly decent movie. Not exactly memorable, but has some assets.

There's really only one reason to watch this awful movie, so let's get it out of the way as fast as possible: Jon Polito's bit part is awesome. I don't think Polito knew "Rock Monster" wasn't a parody, but it all worked out fine. Most semi-established actors that take jobs in low-budget garbage totally phone it in, but Polito does the exact opposite and chews the scenery like there's no tomorrow. Damn it, why isn't he the lead? Unfortunately the Polito-free bits are much harder to sit through, mainly because everything just moves at a snail's pace. Take for instance the whole sequence after they "kill" the monster for a first time: you know the movie's only halfway done, you know it's not really dead yet. Why do they show the villagers celebrating for what feels like eight hours? Get to the damn point. Furthermore, why do they put so much effort into killing the indestructible supercreature when they know for a fact that it's controlled by a mortal guy who can barely take a punch? Damn it, just kill that guy! I guess these Russian villagers just really enjoy challenges, that's probably why they speak English with one another as well. Overall there's just nothing about "Rock Monster" that kept my attention. Everything about it is terrible, but at the same time not terrible enough to really laugh at. So basically, it's one of the most frustrating B-movies you can encounter. Steer clear.

The bad guy, who has a megalomania problem, looks like a refugee from an Uwe Bolle movie, complete with the lousy accent, shaved bald head, phony make-up, and ridiculous black leather jacket costuming. Most of the time he's making "I will take over the world and here's how I'll do it!" speeches.

But the rock creature is even more pathetic. CGI animation that looks like it was done by Mickey Mouse, and the thing is less scary than Mickey is. It hobbles around, looking like it's going to crumble into a pile of fake-looking pebbles any moment. Meanwhile, Uwe Bolle, or whatever his name is, screams dumb comments to and about the thing any chance he gets to shoot his mouth off. The hero: some guy in an orange down jacket that he never takes off. At least this guy made an effort to act, as did his love interest and the guy playing the Major. But with a script this sloppy, they end up looking silly too.

Somebody smash this rocky horror with a sledge hammer.

I saw the premier of this, i orignially had high hopes for this film but after seeing it, I had different thoughts.

There are some elements from other films that they put into this film, like my title, sword in the stone, could they have thought of anything else creative? I don't think so.

Story was OK, acting was descent, it was so cheesy when Jason said "You'll go no further" classic line. I did'nt like the fact that the one Arician American person went away immediately, i think that they should of kept him until the end of the film.

I did'nt really like this film very much, kinda cheesy for me, hopefully they will have a better one than this.

... if you only have one TV channel available and are tired of crying from boredom.

A guy pulls an Excalibur stunt with a sword, stumbles into a backwards village, finds a hottie and ridiculousness ensues. I kept watching in hopes of finding redemption in *something*....*anything*... But the only part of the movie I enjoyed was the credits (Because that's what gave me the hot co-star's name so I could Google her and see if she has any other movies she may have been more "exposed" in.) While this production may have been recently created, it was certainly founded in the old-school style of where the bad guy lays out his plans in an extended speech to the reluctant, possibly mentally challenged movie hero.

I never honestly expected quality movies on the SyFy channel and I can certainly say they did not let me down on this one.

I would've given this movie a 1, but Natalie Denise Sperl adds "1" to the entire movie.