- Lauren: You know, I'm curious. With so many possible reasons, which one's the one your wife left you for?
- Jim: Cancer.
- Lauren: [awkward pause] I'm sorry. I naturally just assumed you were divorced.
- Jim: It's OK. I naturally assumed your husband shot himself, so we're even.
- Mfana: Look, children, the bush pig has lost his parents so it is been cared for by Mama and Papa Lion. Even in nature, there are blended families.
- Jim: That's nice. That's sweet.
- [There's a mixture of roaring, crunching, and pig squeals as the lions eat the bush pig off-screen. Espn screams and everyone looks and sounds shocked.]
- Mfana: I may have misread that situation.
- Waiter: [referring to two rhinos having sex] You won't see that in New Jersey.
- Jim: You know what, Hooters is too good for you. I'll never bring you there again.
- Lauren: Oh, well, then, I guess I'll have to get through life without Hooters.
- Jim: You've been doing a pretty damn good job so far.
- Lauren: [looks at her breasts] That doesn't make any sense.
- Jim: [points at Lauren's breasts] No they... I didn't realize they were that big.
- Hilary: Hey, Dad, I have a personal errand to run and I need to borrow the car.
- Jim: Well, you can't drive without me yet and somebody's got to stay here with your sisters.
- Hilary: Dad, I have a personal errand.
- Jim: What does that even mean? You taking a hit out on somebody?
- Lou: Dad, she's monsterating.
- Jim: What?
- Hilary: I have my period!
- Jim: Oh, I forgot you get those.
- Mfana: Mr. Bellyflopolis, the crocodiles are fake!
- [Jim looks at the fake crocodiles around him in the water]
- Jim: They're fake?
- Mfana: Yes, they're fake!
- Jim: Why would you make them look so realistic?
- Mfana: Well, to scare the baboons away.
- Jim: You just scared a zebra stripe into my underwear!
- Baseball Dad: [after Lauren's son strikes out for the third time at the ball game] Maybe you should try badminton.
- Lauren: Maybe you should try mouthwash!
- Jen: And deodorant!
- Lauren: And some testosterone supplement!
- Jen: And some Cialis... I'm just assuming!
- Baseball Dad: And shave your neck! It's very hairy.
- Jim: I googled you, and "Closet Queens" came out. Are you a lesbian ?
- Lauren: Did you just use use the L word with Dick?
- Jen: We said it last night.
- Lauren: Jen! That's great Why didn't you tell me?
- Jen: Well, you finally had a date and it was so awful. I didn't want to make you feel lonelier than you probably already feel.
- Lauren: I'm fine actually and I'm not lonely. I have two wonderful men in my life: Brendan and Tyler.
- Jen: Brendan needs a girlfriend and Tyler needs Ritalin.
- Jim: Did you have pork chops and... tuna fish... for lunch today?
- Mfana: Yes! I did!
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