- Salvadore: Please, allow me to put on something more proper.
- Dave: Hi, I'm Dave.
- Ronnie: Ronnie.
- Dave: Ronnie. That's a great name.
- Ronnie: Thank you.
- Dave: Do you have a cell phone I can use?
- Ronnie: Why?
- Dave: Someone's got to call God and let him know one of his angels are missing.
- Ronnie: Wow, that is the worst lines I've ever heard.
- Dave: Well what do you want from me? I've been out of the game for a while. I've been slumming it with a really hot redhead.
- Kevin: [First line while lying in his parents' bed] I peed!
- Jason: What if someone put a gun to your head right now and said, "You have to answer this second or I'II shoot. "Are they going to make it?" What do you say? What would you say?
- Therapist #2: Whoa! Okay, no one has a gun to my head, Mr. Smith.
- Jason: It's hypothetical.
- Therapist #2: It's not a place for inappropriate behavior. And you definitely don't pull a hypothetical gun on your therapist!
- Dave: The Code?Asstastic... Yes, Asstastic. A-S-S-TASTIC did you get that? Are we good? Good.
- Joey: When you're living in my house, you're a Taliban! Okay? You keep your body a secret. Except you get to, you know, go to school and read books.
- Joey: What are... What are you wearing?
- Lacey: Shorts.
- Joey: Shorts? That's... That's a Maxi Pad.
- Lacey: Dad, they're designer shorts. They're French. Goodbye.
- Dave: [Referring to Twitter] I call it twatting.
- Dave: What we need to do now is get focused and stop pointing fingers. You're a problem. You're a real, real problem.
- Dave: You got a pose called yoga guy gets his ass kicked? Cause that's my favorite one.
- Dave: Is his junk literally out of his pants?
- Ronnie: Yes.
- Dave: Now it's a party.
- Joey: Holy shit, it's like a screensaver!
- Jason: You have kids, you have guns, you have grandpas.
- Dave: Take the French out of your mouth and tell me what to do.
- Dave: Please don't pee in that, it's not a real toilet.
- Dave: You own a zebra, I own a goat, what the hell does that have to do with cheating on your wife?
- Dave: I don't want to see a video about ball cancer.
- Therapist #2: It's like a little kid gets a puppy for the first time, just hugs it so much, snaps it's neck. It's puppy cradle death syndrome. All that love is gonna snap that puppy.
- Sctanley: My name is Sctanley, spelled with a C.
- Dave: I am going to be the biggest ass ever.
- Therapist #2: [During Jason & Cynthia's therapy session, talking to Jason] It's like a little kid who gets a puppy for the first time,just hugs it so much,snaps its neck. Cynthia's your puppy. It's puppy-cradle death syndrome. All that love is going to snap that puppy.
- [Trudy has pulled down Shane's pants to reveal he has no underwear on]
- Dave: Is his junk out?
- Ronnie: Yep.
- Dave: Is his junk literally out of his pants?
- Cynthia: Yep.
- Dave: Now it's a party.
- Joey: Please take the bikini pictures off of your facebook page.
- Joey: You know what kind of guy you attract like that?
- Joey: You attract the guy with his pants around his ass at the mall.
- Kevin: Help me get my shirt off!
- Dave: Come on, let's go glass house!
- Dave: Look, if you want to go play guess your disease, or translate your tribal tattoo, go knock yourself out.
- [post credits scene]
- Shane: The Federal Reserve is a pimp. They want you to be in debt. That's how it works: they give you these credit cards you can't pay for, HD, motorcycles. It's all a pimp game.
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