Harpoon

What a poster! What a title! What a stinking piece of arctic garbage! Simple enough story. Group of unrelated people set off on a whale watching expedition. Something goes awry. Bad family of crazies show up. Tourists think they're being rescued. People start dying. Try to survive. There ya go.

What a stinking horrible summary that was, huh!? And I could give a crap! This flick in no way deserves my cognitive efforts, and if you think you're gonna read a review that cares...get ready for a supriseis!!1

I really don't even know where to start. I suppose starting with the good is the best case here...since anything positive was entirely slim-pickings. The make-up and blood effects were impressive. The ending was grim. That's it.

The bad...which I forbid to dwell upon, encompassed everything else. The acting was amateur, the writing awful, the use of a Bjork song was appalling, the characters were annoying, and the direction....A word...A word...A word......atrocious. Yes! And the entire movie itself....abysmal! Look at me go, Ma!! To be fair to the entire crew and what not, the productions were indeed slick, but when it came down to telling a solid horror story, it not only dropped the ball, it dropped the ball from the top of the Empire State Building into a pile of steaming Orca excrement. Don't let the positive reviews fool you, or the useful/not useful voting. This movie sucks my ass!

So far the only thing we have seen from Iceland are Bjork, Sigur Ros, volcano's and whale hunting. Not many people know that Iceland was ready to deliver their first horror flick called Harpoon (or the longer for some unspeakable title Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre). And I must admit, it is a decent movie. Some people will have difficulties to understand the language used, there is the Icelandic language luckily subtitled but there is also a French guy trying to talk English and some Japanese who tries to talk English too. But you will get used to that. Second, one name is wheel known in the genre, Gunnar Hansen. He's in the movie because he's Icelandic, not as a teaser. The movie itself sometimes becomes really bloody and even gory, there is some kind of suspense and even some nudity. Okay, there are reviewers who pointed out that there are some flows in the story but I wasn't offended by it. It's about the guy who appears with a handicap, but I didn't have any problems with it. Anyway, it's a bit of TCM on a boat. It surely delivers the stuff you need for a horror and remember, it's the first film coming from that country in our genre, well done...

At the moment I'm writing this user comment Iceland is world famous, not so much for unleashing this particular horror movie upon the world, but because an active volcano started to erupt and the subsequent spreading of thick clouds full of damaging ashes makes any type of aviation impossible all over Europe. Perhaps this is another good idea for an Icelandic horror movie after "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre"? Spectators of environmental phenomena traveling to Iceland to climb the volcano get brutally killed by local villagers who refused to be evacuated before the eruption and became irreparably damaged maniacs? How about that? I could be rich writing this nonsense instead of joking about it on the internet.

Anyway, about the actual movie "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre", I regret to announce that I rarely ever witnessed a movie that used to little of its own massive potential. The title is terrific, the setting and scenery are astonishing, the basic concept is ideal horror material and the opportunities to go berserk with gore and bloodshed are immeasurable … And yet, unfortunately, RWWM is a mostly dull and derivative slasher imitation of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", with bland villainous characters, suspense-free rampages and uninspired murder sequences. A group of tourists of different nationalities, though including most stereotypes like photographing Japanese people and an obnoxious French guy, go on a whale watching trip in Icelandic waters. The captain (played by THE Gunnar Hansen of the original TCM) dies in a banal accident and the tourists get picked up by a wandering family of whale hunters. They're unemployed and quite frustrated due to the whale hunting prohibition, so they decide to relief some anger by slaughtering tourists.

I must admit I was quite disappointed after finishing RWWM. I was truly hoping for a deeply grim, sardonic and raw slasher, but the ambiance was not even half as disturbing as it could (and should) have been. The opening sequences are quite unsettling; with genuine whale hunting archive footage guided by eerie tunes, but the film almost immediately reverts to familiar slasher territory after the credits. The tourist characters are all insufferable beyond belief (although admittedly, people do become selfish bastards in hazardous situations) and the demented whale hunter family members are not the least bit menacing. There's only one kill that is truly worth mentioning (involving a harpoon, duh!) and the climax is a huge letdown. Naturally there are also references towards Iceland's most famous musical export product Björk and her tiresome song "It's oh so quiet". A missed opportunity.

With only 4 reviews at this time, and 3 of those reviews being bad, I have to think that REYKJAVIK WHALE WATCHING MASSACRE is not getting enough praise for what it actually is... a different kind of slasher that is thoroughly entertaining to watch. Does it have its faults? Of course it does, but not enough to take away from the overall enjoyable experience of the film.

One reviewer says the title is good, but the movie is bad. Honestly, I think it's the other way around. I was expecting to be let down by this one because of the title. Another thing... not sure why this is being compared to THE Texas CHAINSAW MASSACRE. It is nothing like it, not even remotely close. I can only guess that it's because "massacre" is in the title? And it is NOT a comedy as one reviewer suggested.

In closing, I must say that I highly recommend this film to anyone that is a fan of slasher films, and most other horror films as well. There are some interesting death scenes with pretty good gore. The acting is overall decent. The setting is used very well to the film's advantage. It's not TCM and wasn't meant to be. Take it for what it is: A different, yet welcome, kind of slasher. A solid 6 out of 10. Watch it!

The best thing I can say about HARPOON is that I watched it to the end (with, I must admit, increasing use of the fast forward button) hoping that it was going to come together. It didn't.

The opening titles are shown over grainy footage of whaling boats. Then we are introduced to an assortment of irritating characters of various nationalities. They go out for a short (presumably about two hours, based on dialog muttered in passing) trip to, well, watch whales.

The captain (the great Gunnar Hansen, the only familiar name in the cast) falls victim to a, well, harpoon. Then the irritating tourists, squabbling among themselves, get on board a "rescue" ship that turns out to be manned by crazies.

This is not a case of watching untalented actors go through the motions. But the tone is so uncertain that we never become involved with these people in their struggle to survive. Is this supposed to be a comedy? If not, why does a scene in which one character's dying act is to decapitate another seem so hilarious in retrospect?

At the very beginning a title card announces that this was a product of the Icelandic Film Company, which I presume to be an entity that encourages the development of that Country's cinema industry, possibly with funding or at least tax breaks from the Icelandic government. It would have been amusing to have been present when this film's producers set up their projector in the company's board room, as in, "You spend our $4 million on THAT?"

Two positive notes about the film, though: 1. It has, oddly enough, some effective use of sound that gave my stereo speakers a chance to shine. 2. Neither the director nor screenwriter has gotten another credit on IMDb since making this turd.

By the way, HARPOON may stink in most aspects but it has a great poster.