- Judge R. D. Whopper: ...Listen, I've been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, and I might be old fashioned but when I said those vows, I meant them.
- [after Joy is dumped by her fiancé]
- Tipper: You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment , knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "why?" and then we'll say "you know why!"
- Joy McNally: Wow! Did you just make that up?
- Tipper: No, I thought about it a lot on the way over
- Judge R. D. Whopper: [referring to Jack and Joy] Gay people aren't ruining the sanctity of marriage, you people are!
- Joy McNally: Is there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe say the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, 'hey oh my God, this is a really good time for an intervention'?
- Tipper: [extremely hungover] Seriously?
- Joy McNally: Yeah.
- Tipper: I like... threw up in my own purse... so...
- Jack Fuller: [accepting an award] I have to thank my wife Joy. She probably never told you all the story about how we met. It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn't know each other for very long before we got hitched. What can I say - when you know, you know.
- Joy McNally: The grown-ups have to go to work today... What are you going to do all day?
- Jack Fuller: I don't know yet
- [shoves cereal in mouth]
- Joy McNally: Hmph.
- Jack Fuller: I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.
- Joy McNally: Words to live by, Yanni.
- Chong: I eat girls like you.
- Joy McNally: You eat girls?
- Chong: That's not what I me...
- Joy McNally: No, makes sense.
- Chong: No! I'm not...
- Joy McNally: Totally understandable.
- Hater: You should never let a chick get in your head; that's why I prefer not to even talk to my dates.
- Jack Fuller: [standing outside the bathroom door, knocking on] Hon?
- Joy McNally: [from inside the bathroom] Yeah.
- Jack Fuller: Fucks you if I just get in there for a sec?
- Joy McNally: [doing her hair] I'm almost done. I'll be right out.
- Jack Fuller: No, "be right out" is not really gonna work. Like, "be right out right *now*"?
- Joy McNally: [taking her time] I'm *almost* done!
- Jack Fuller: [jumping outside the door] Ahhh...
- Joy McNally: [inside the bathroom, hearing noise of dishes, goes out] Okay, it's...
- [walks into the kitchen to find Jack pissing in their sink]
- Jack Fuller: Oh yeah, this is happening. You only have yourself to blame. Oh, by the way, it's your day on dishes.
- Banger: So you're the lucky guy?
- Jack Fuller: Yeah, Jack Fuller
- [shakes Banger's hand]
- Banger: Hi, i'm Richard Banger, you're in my seat!
- Jack Fuller: Hold on a second, your name is Richard Banger?
- Banger: Yeah!
- Jack Fuller: So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger! Dick Banger!, you my friend have supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend.
- Banger: And you must be Jack? Jack off! Jack off!, give it to me baby!
- [Jack & Banger embrace each other]
- Jack Fuller: And the old man is quick enough to think of a comeback
- Jack Fuller: Jack off!, I actually like that
- Joy McNally: That's just the topping I wanted on my popcorn. I know the box said its movie theater butter, but you guessed it. What I really wanted was Jack's Sweaty ballsack flavor!
- Jack Fuller: I'm just giving you what you want, baby.
- Jack Fuller: [before entering their first marital counseling session] You ready for this?
- Joy McNally: Pretend that you don't make me vomit in my nose every time I look at you? Definitely.
- Jack Fuller: Will to be married to me... again?
- Joy McNally: [sighs] Being with you makes me be myself again so I will be married to you... again.
- [they kiss]
- Joy McNally: I quit my job.
- Jack Fuller: Good thing we have a ton of money!
- Hater: Take him to court. It might be nice.
- Jack Fuller: What am I going to do about money?
- Hater: Wow, you're just realizing that, right now? Fascinating.
- Chong: Be whoever you want to be, you'll still gonna be my subordinate.
- Joy McNally: Excuse me?
- Chong: It's from the Latin, meaning "my bitch."
- Male Cop: I'm here about a noise complaint.
- Female Cop: Someone called to complain that you're not making enough noise!