Lesbian Vampire Killers

The danger with movies with titles like this is that sometimes the title is all you get, and the movie doesn't really deliver. Well, "Lesbian Vampire Killers", directed by Phil Claydon and written by Stewart Williams & Paul Hupfield, fortunately does manage to be pretty entertaining stuff, although viewers reading the title and hoping for something REALLY trashy are going to be sorely disappointed.

The story is yet another borrowing of J. Sheridan LeFanus' "Carmilla", as the ancient vampire queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca) and her many minions face off against easygoing duo Jimmy (Mathew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden). Also along for the ride are a quintet of hottie college students, including the adorable MyAnna Buring ("The Descent") as the appealing Lotte. Lending valuable exposition and dedication is the determined Vicar (Paul McGann, who's pretty bad ass).

As this plays out, one can hardly fail to notice that this works as a spoofing of Hammer horror period pieces, and it also quotes "Dracula", "An American Werewolf in London", and Ed Woods' oeuvre. It's lively, striking, well designed and lit entertainment with atmosphere to spare. It goes for the gross out a lot, but instead of blood spattering all over the place, the filmmakers go more for slime, pus, and the like. The actors play things as straight as is necessary, and Horne and Corden are a reasonably engaging pair even if they're no Pegg and Frost. McGann is fun as the heroic Vicar with the foul mouth; Colloca is a delicious villainess.

The movie is never terribly funny but it still may engender some smiles on the part of the audience. It ain't "Shaun of the Dead", but it ain't bad, either. It's stylish throughout and begins and ends with a flourish.

Seven out of 10.

Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca) in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy (Mathew Horne) is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell) and misses her. His best friend Fletch (James Corden) is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte (MyAnna Buring), Heide (Tiffany Mulheron), Anke (Louise Dylan) and Trudi (Ashley Mulheron) have trouble with their van and Jimmy and Fletch reach them in the forest and they offer a ride to the guys to the cottage. They introduce themselves as students of folklore and they are researching the Vampire Queen Carmilla. When Fletch believes that he will have a night of beer and sex with three sexy girls and Jimmy and Lotte have a crush on each other, the cottage is surrounded by a group of lesbian vampires that vampires intend to use Jimmy and Lotte's blood to bring Carmilla back to life. They are abducted by the vampires, but Fletch escapes and meets Reverend Vicar (Paul McGann) that tells him that Jimmy is a descendant of the baron and only hope to stop the evil curse of Cragwich.

The B-movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers" is indeed an entertaining silliness with a funny story, supported by a stylish cinematography, very sexy women and two imbeciles in the lead roles. There are many good moments, and I particularly liked when Jimmy invites by chance the lesbian vampires to enter in the cottage; or the reference to a gay werewolf inclusive in the very last scene; or when Judy meets her lover at his home. This movie will certainly never be nominated to an Oscar and is not recommended to intellectuals or fans of art movie; however, for an average viewer like me that knows what might expect from a movie with the title "Lesbian Vampire Killers", he or she will not be disappointed and will certainly laugh a lot. The beautiful and sexy actresses have been very well cast by the producers. My vote is six.

Title (Brazil): Not Available (only on 30 October 2009)

Note: On 29 January 2021, I saw this film again on Blu-Ray. Title (Brazil): "Matadores de Vampiras Lésbicas" ("Lesbian Vampire Killers")

This is for everyone who didn't like this movie. What did you expect. Really, what did you expect? You went to see a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers. It had the lesbians, it had the vampires and oh yes, there were killings. Okay, it wasn't the best movie ever. The style was kind of like heroes meets sean of the dead. But it was as funny as other good comedies, it kept me entertained from start to finish mostly because of the lesbians but that's neither here nor there and although the plot was simple it was a nice idea. Essentially unless you like lesbians vampires and killings, and unless you one of those people who sees Matthew Horne throwing a sword at the bad guy who is in the middle of his two friends and think 'that doesn't make any sense he could have missed and hit James Corden, why didn't he just stab the sword' instead of thinking 'wow that was kick ass' then don't go and see this movie because you won't enjoy it.

I use IMDb often for my decisions. If there are many contradictory opinions, like "boring" and "tensioning", then I go and view the movie. Mostly it works, so it did here for me. I watched this nice comedy twice, at first alone, second with my 16 years old son, both times in English with English subtitles (we are Austrian). We both enjoyed the dry humor and the actors. L.W.K. is well played, nice written and well produced. It really doesn't deserve the low IMDb rating. Maybe it's not for the big screen, and maybe the title discourages people to buy a ticket, because they think it's porn. I would recommend a less ambiguous title, and a better P.R. campaign, because the movie simply deserves it. So, if you can get the DVD, don't hesitate, buy or rent it. This nice comedy has its qualities. I have to confess that there could be some better development, more unpredictability, and whatsoever someone can miss here, but overall the movie itself is the surprise. Alone the first fifteen minutes are full of good ideas and are worth the price. For us boys (only).

Okay, so, Lesbian Vampire Killers huh? Yes, I know, it sounds ludicrous, atrocious, gimmicky and gauche—but you know what? I enjoyed it. In fact, I really enjoyed it, and please bear in mind that a few readers would have you believe me to be a pompous twit. Nevermind however, because Lesbian Vampire Killers is a hoot if you're willing to simply sit back and be tickled in special areas for ninety minutes. Sure it's crude, utterly pointless and relies mostly on the humour of men drooling over breasts whilst decapitating lots of pretty strippers—but that's the point of the feature, and it's downright hilarious, fun and engaging if you're open to such stupidity. Of course, I often slam movies for being braindead and moronic, but that's only if they fail to make me giggle after the hundredth pitiful attempt at doing so. No, rather than come across as a lame Movie hybrid, Phil Claydon here manages to create a wonderfully dark comedy parody akin more to the classic Evil Dead movies spliced with a touch of Braindead and Shaun of the Dead. It's audacious, rude, blasphemous and somewhat morbidly erotic—and yet, I couldn't have been more pleased with such a piece of popcorn-trash-cinema.

The movie takes place largely within a small rural area of Norfolk which has a history involving an ancient curse that creates lesbian vampires out of all the town's females as soon as they turn eighteen. Off on an unsuspecting break from their dreary lives which are shamefully going nowhere, best friends Fletch (James Corden) and Jimmy (Mathew Horne) soon end up in the middle of a group of scantily clad, tantalising lesbians who take a special interest in Jimmy because of his supposed lineage dating back to their hybrid queen who wants to rule the world again. Sound hammy? Well, yes, it is. Yet, rather than simply avoid that fact, writers Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams acknowledge the cliché, intangible nature of the plot consistently; toying and poking at its pretentiousness at every chance through either a quip from one of the characters, or many of the devices used to further it along (The Sword of Dialdo, for example). Not only does help to solidify the movie's satirical edge towards fooling no-one to take all this seriously, but it offers plenty of brilliant one-liners and character humour too, resulting in a light, almost care-free experience that entertains more than disgruntles.

With that being said however, it should also be noted that Lesbian Vampire Killers isn't all dumb and sophomoric; in fact, there's plenty of intelligence going on behind the scenes, and it isn't hard to see. The most potent example of this comes in the form of the characters themselves who, although never straying far from the horror movie clichés of unknowing and coy hero with his bumbling, comic relief buddy, nevertheless work very well on screen to counteract the movie's tendency to off on extremely surreal tangents. Working with fast-paced, edgy dialogue that always feels timely and natural, the actors come off as having a ton of fun here, and this playful nature complements the distinctly farcical side of the feature's story. Of course, a large majority of that very same dialogue gets most of its laughs from the odd curse here or there, but it's all so well timed and perfectly played out that you don't care if it's cheap and rudimentary—Lesbian Vampire Killers, isn't necessarily out to impress through any other means, and it's refreshing to be treated to such a movie that stays true to that ideal without succumbing to tired, derivative writing.

Furthermore, it has to be said that while the feature comes from an ensemble of largely unknowns within the business, you would never be able to tell. Everything from the set design and performances, to the fantastic score penned by Debbie Wiseman and the beautifully complementary photography of David Higgs accentuates the movie's greatest parts resulting in a coherent, engaging whole that echoes the script's exploitation-flick direction. So, much like those feisty lesbian vampires themselves, Lesbian Vampire Killers does well to keep things edgy, morbid, and bloody, but most of all—attractive, fun and alluring. Not everyone will appreciate what Claydon and company achieve here (in fact, most will be sure to brush it off as nothing but juvenile penis jokes), but those looking for downright hilarious horror done with passion and conviction need look no further than this which has everything from dildo-handled swords inflicting stylized gore with foul-mouthed priests (who just happen to destroy lesbianism, go figure) to, well; lesbian vampires. It's the perfect Friday night popcorn muncher, so sit back with some friends and enjoy it for the sharp-toothed, braindead fun that it is.

• A review by Jamie Robert Ward (http://www.invocus.net)