The Magnificent Eleven

Football rarely (if ever) tranfers well onto the big screen, and this is the perfect example of that.

Irvine Welsh reputedly assisted with the writing, but it's not his finest hour that's for sure.

There's little point summarising the plot, it's just not worth it. Football team, lads, shenanigans, save the club from ABC&D etc. Girls, romances, pals helping each other out, unconvincing gangsters and you get the idea.

The biggest mystery is how this ever even won a £3m budget to even get made! How did it even get distributed? It's so poor and would have been better off having been buried away like other non-event catastrophes.

Just give it a miss.

The Full Monty its not. This is a truly awful film.

It is plodding, predictable, hackneyed, clichéd, totally uninvolving, unbelievable, and just not funny.

I am frankly staggered at the waste of talent on show here, and I can't believe anyone can call it an "excellent" film.

On the contrary, its a complete waste of my time, your time, and theirs.

How on earth it got past the initial stages is beyond me.

There's far superior films out there

Don't buy or rent it.

The Magnificent Eleven of the title are a bunch of boozy amateur league footballers, they are so bad that scoring one goal is seen as the equal of winning the World Cup! Unfortunately because they are so bad they can't get sponsorship and are about to fold. That is until a raucous night at the local Indian takeaway results in the saving of the team. But lurking around with menace is local thug American Bob, who along with his henchman are putting the squeeze on the restaurant for protection money owed.

Paul Barber is the manager, Keith Allen is the captain and Sean Pertwee is the star player! That's enough for British film fans to know just what sort of film this is. In truth in spite of its snazzy cast list, it's not very good, the attempt at making a play on The Magnificent Seven, with Robert Vaughn turning up as American Bob, never really works. However, for football fans, and especially those that have played Sunday league footie, there is charm to be found and some genuine laugh out loud moments. Only a Sunday league player in Britain could understand why a team called Real Sociopath is genius funny.

A select audience only for this one, non Brits need not apply. 5/10

Cowboys, Indians, Bandits.

Good versus the bad. Indian restaurant and arranged marriage cliché.

Drunk man and failing marriage cliché.

Keith Allen in man not letting go of youth via 70s car cliché.

Pretty girl and Indian boy not supposed to get together but so alarmingly better looking than rest of cast it was inevitable cliché.

Crap Full Monty nude 11 men detained in bus cliché.

Crap fight scene rendering entire build up a laughing stock.

Gary Linnekar.

Avoid. It is poop. It was not good. Avoid.

The Magnificent Eleven must have been an easy sell. After the runaway success of Trainspotting, anything with writer Irvine Welsh's name on it gets the greenlight. However, this film is nothing like its dark and moody predecessor.

Trainspotting had social commentary and healthy doses of black humour. Here, we have a sort of 'London's answer to The Full Monty,' only with humour that just doesn't work.

It's about a pub football team who blag their way into getting a local Indian Restaurant to sponsor them, only to find later that the restaurant is in debt to 'the mob,' therefore they have to help them out and defend the naan bread and tikkas-to-go. Yes, as its name suggests, it's a homage to The Magnificent Seven. Whereas the cowboy film had action as its main selling point, this one has - er - not much. The humour is really weak, most of the characters are stereotypes and, although it's easy to sympathise with some of the characters who are finding it hard to find work in these times of austerity, they're just not interesting or funny enough to truly get behind.

About the only point is a spirited performance by Jenna Harrison, who comes across as suitably lovely. The rest if the cast, despite boasting some impressive British acting talent, come across as pretty bland.

However, the bottom line is, if you want some British comedy, stick to the Full Monty. If you want a cowboy film, stay with the Magnificent Seven.