The Raven

The Raven,

By Edgar Allan Poe, by way of Ulli Lommel

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Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

I, not thinking, brought back The Raven from the movie store.

While I watched, I wished for napping, to save me from this horrid crapping,

As Ulli Lommel's vicious trapping made me feel like his dirty whore.

'Tis god awful,' I muttered, 'this movie I abhor-

I wish I had rented something more.'

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Ah, distinctly I remember, this would have offended famous Edgar,

As he clawed the lid of his coffin, deep below the graveyard floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; - nothing's brought me greater sorrow,

Had I just been somewhat stronger, I'd've thrown this out the door,

Perhaps shook it off and ascended to the store,

…But I stayed for Ulli's hellish tour.

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What this movie was about, I can't be certain,

It filled me with boredom - a boredom I'd never felt before.

An hour's time, the cast sat eating--and only talking, ain't that cheating?

With nary a reference to Mr. Poe, what was this movie made for?

If not to honor a genius, why suffer through this chore?

That it is, and nothing more.

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'Damn this movie's scent of farting! Damn it all!' I shrieked upstarting-

'This movie doth much offend me, I wish to hear me snore!

Does Ulli think my brain is broken, perhaps a boob who is soft-spoken,

As to not see in this 1800's sequence a very modern bedroom door?'

I pressed fast forward; the movie soared, thought of watching; held it more.

Qouth the Raven – 'I'm a bore.'

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And The Raven, so unfitting, please leave sitting, PLEASE leave sitting,

It can't bore you if it stays unseen, sitting in the movie store.

Late at night, it haunts my dreaming, I even sometimes wake up screaming,

And shake away haunts of Ulli's movie, filled with nothing but corny gore.

Nightly I pray o'er us all, my knees tucked 'neath me on the floor,

I pray to God that no luckless soul ever lift The Raven from the movie store.

Quoth the Raven – 'I'm a stain and nothing more.'

Just one thing.

I am German. And I feel ashamed by movies like this, by Lommel, by Boll, and all those other German directors, that recently entered Hollywood to produce the worst movies, that an human mind can ever imagine. This movie right here actually is even worse than anything I could imagine before.

So... Just understand: it's not our fault... Nobody in Germany knows these guys, nobody knows, where they are coming from and who pays them money to produce this. We like good movies, too, and yes, we hate these guys, too.

I honestly feel ashamed. As a German, I apologize for this. Thank you for your attention.

What can I say ? Anyone who believes that "Plan Nine From Outer Space" is the worst movie ever made REALLY NEEDS to see this stinkburger. The writing is the essence of stupidity, the acting is an embarrassment, the direction is non-existent, the cinematography, done on disc and never even transferred to film, is horrible.

This thing definitely has set an entirely new standard for how terrible a movie can be. As someone who has been an actor for 35 years, and has been a true lover of the medium of movies, and as someone who has seen ALL the bad ones, from "Plan Nine From Outer Space" to "The Undertaker and His Pals" to "Shining Through", I will tell you all that if you see this in a store or in a library STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM IT AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN !!!!! It's so bad that you shouldn't even read the cover !!!!

I have no clue why a movie of this quality was released to major video stores. It's supposedly based on the Poe story, though the main connection is the lead character is named Lenore.

But this is a glorified amateur movie. It's shot on digital video. The "actors" seem to be friends of the movie maker and the acting is the quality of porn acting, without the sex scenes to dull the pain. It's "arty", which can be described as random video shots with no context or meaning with generic music in the background.

Ed Wood made bad movies with intent, with passion. This is just utter tripe, made to make a cheap buck. Read the reviews of the director's other films and you'll see a pattern.

Avoid!

I love low budget horror films as much as anyone else but this is the 3rd Ulli Lommel film that I attempted to watch and found it just as bad as all his other films. I've seen student movies that looked like they had higher production values than any of Lommel's films. Everything in these movies: acting, writing, lighting, story, sound, etc. really could not be any worse than they are. To ask someone to pay to watch one of these movies is criminal. Do NOT waste your time watching anything by Ulli Lommel; every movie of his that I've seen is just as bad if not worse.

Other Ulli Lommel films I've tortured myself to watch: Diary of a Cannibal and Zombie Nation. Both of these films were pathetic to say the least.