Snakes on a Train

So I was energized during my Snakes on a Plane weekend, after the movie we craved some more. Why not Snakes on A Train? How bad could it possibly be, its snakes probably killing people on trains. The snakes were supposed to be rattlers. First off me and my buddies thought the snakes were harmless garden snakes and pet snakes with the same cheesy rattling sound clip. We actually sat through the entire thing completely ready to turn it off (we're too lazy to walk over and hit eject). Next thing we knew we don't know what the heck was going on but something amazingly funny happens at the end. It's one of those endings that you'll rewind a few times just to squeeze the laughs out, because you suffered for so long.

Last 10 min a "8", rest of the movie a 2.

What the hell was this. If this was made in the seventies it could have been one of those drive-inn classics but nowadays it's just a bad cheesy flick. Well, if you like cheesy flicks then you will love this or if you used to see Mega Piranha and stuff like that than you will love it. If you think you will have a gory flick then forget it. It's all about some chica being cursed by her family because she doesn't want to marry the man she was offered. Running away to get help in Los Angeles they get aboard a train. From there on it's one way track to the cheesy end. Before that you will have some stupid conversations to fill the film. You have some green vomit (no not pea soup) coming out of mouths mixed with snakes. Those are real snakes so up to that part everything is still okay. The go into human flesh which looks nasty. Naturally there is some gratuitous nudity again just to keep you watching but it's the end that makes it look cheesy. The possessed girl somehow put the vomited snakes back in her mouth and becomes a snake. What we have then is so over the top that you must have seen it to believe it. Not for everybody and not for me but men, who invents those kind of stories, please come forward.

Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman, slowly devouring her from within. Her only chance for survival is a powerful shaman who lives across the border. With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles.

Could this be one of The Asylum's worst films and yet one its biggest money-makers? I think so. While most of their films are bad, this one seems to be among the worst. And yet, it is possibly the most noteworthy ripoff they had. I can see hundreds and thousands of people renting this... (though I am not exactly sure how rental money gets back to creators).

Others have complained about dangling subplots, such as the drug smuggling and Middle Eastern man. Really? If anything, give them credit for trying to have more complex characters... even if they failed.

Truly, truly awful. I don't even know where to begin. This is a perfect example of a movie that doesn't know what to do with itself. I'm not sure I could even assign a category myself, except that I'm quite sure it's a slap in the face of everyone, every where. Even the unborn.

At times, I thought I was watching a parody, or some kind of farce. At times, just a bad B movie. But I kept holding out for the porno, which, I fear, is almost(but not entirely), non existent.

Some one advised skipping to the ending. I would definitely second that emotion. The last five minutes are intense, and certainly contain some of the best film making/cgi you will ever see, ever.

Ed Wood would be proud.

While I was watching SNAKES ON A TRAIN I found myself thinking on more than one occasion that this was seriously lame, the only other film I felt that way about was MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE and that was lame, and when it came to the halfway mark I reckoned this is really getting annoying with this Mexican chic puking green goo and also a snake here and there and with her boyfriend reciting an incantation like "Walla Bella green buns, ditty bitty fish sticks and add some garlic." but when it reached the end I found myself sporting the people's eyebrow and going what the hell just happened here?.

I think I was less confused with PARANORMAL ACTIVITY than with this film, I've often wondered what was so scary about PA but now I find myself wondering who would green light something like this to go into production? I wonder if I send these people my own script if they'd turn it into a movie, if they reject it I could always sue them for discriminating between smart people and village idiots.

Overall, consider this this film a passer by, if you see it at your local DVD retail or rental shop feel free to pass it by.