- Fogell: Yo guys! Sup?
- Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
- Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!
- Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin?
- Fogell: Yeah.
- Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
- Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
- Seth: And you landed on McLovin...
- Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.
- Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
- Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.
- Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
- Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
- Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
- Fogell: Fuck you.
- Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!
- Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?
- Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
- Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with their fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?
- Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?
- Fogell: [grinning] ... I am McLovin!
- Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!
- Becca: Your cock is so smooth!
- Evan: Your's would be too... if you were a man.
- Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!
- Becca: I'm so wet right now.
- Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in health class.
- [fantasizing about how he'll get liquor]
- Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your groceries?
- Old Lady: Well that would be lovely young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol?
- Seth: That would be lovely!
- [at the cash register, after buying alcohol]
- Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
- Old Lady: I will! Enjoy fucking Jules!
- Seth: I WILL!
- Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
- Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".
- Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
- Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.
- [from trailer]
- Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
- Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
- Mindy: Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
- Officer Slater: So, how how, how...
- Officer Michaels: Say when, height wise...
- Officer Slater: I'm gonna start up here.
- Officer Michaels: I'm gonna start from the buttom...
- Mindy: Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.
- Officer Slater: E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...
- Mindy: A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?
- Officer Slater: No, I would say...
- Officer Michaels: Was he...
- Officer Slater: Was he African?
- Mindy: Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.
- Officer Michaels: He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...
- Mindy: No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
- Officer Michaels: No, I look like a cop.
- Mindy: He was caucasian.
- Officer Michaels: Caucasian...
- Officer Slater: Oh...
- Mindy: Kinda looked like Eminem.
- Officer Michaels: Ah, an M&M...
- Officer Slater: M&M, so he was like circular...
- Mindy: Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.
- Officer Michaels: He looked like this? I'm a amateur.
- Officer Slater: 'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.
- Officer Michaels: Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?
- Seth: That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my entire life! That's insane. Is it... Can I hear it again, do you have time?
- Fogell: Hey!
- Seth: Don't tell Fogell about the party, man...
- Fogell: Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss... what's up guys?
- Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.
- Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants?
- Greg the Soccer Player: [turning around] That was like 8 years ago, asshole!
- Seth: [yelling] People don't forget!
- Seth: Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!
- Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?
- Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
- Officer Slater: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with your penis?
- Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...
- Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.
- Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
- Evan: Fogell, shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.
- Evan: Oh, I have to go.
- Seth: What,? You're just gonna let me sit here and eat dessert alone like I'm Steven fucking Glandsberg?
- [camera pans over to Steven eating alone and staring into a distance]
- Good Shopper Cashier: How old are you?
- Seth: ...22.
- Good Shopper Cashier: [looks skeptical for a second, then smiles] You certainly are! That'll be 80 dollars.
- Seth: Oh! Okay!
- [pulls money out of his sleeve]
- Seth: Pssha! Thank you kindly! Will that do?
- Good Shopper Cashier: [examines the bill: a crisp 80 dollar bill] It most certainly will! Thank you, Seth!
- Seth: Hey, thank YOU!
- [double high-fives cashier]
- Seth: You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.
- Officer Michaels: We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.
- Evan: Yeah chicks go nuts for that... the male camel toe.
- Seth: Yea yea! The camel tail.
- Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball.
- Evan: It's like a division sign...
- Seth: When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don't know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks.
- Evan: What?
- Seth: Draw pictures of dicks.
- Evan: Dicks? Like a man dick?
- Seth: Yes. Like a man dick.
- [while you see Seth when he was a kid]
- Seth: I'd just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
- Evan: That's fucked.
- Seth: No shit. It's really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.
- [you see the kid Seth draw a lot of different dicks on different sheets of paper and see a gallery of his drawings one by one]
- Evan: Alright, I mean... I just don't see what this has to do with Becca.
- Seth: Just listen. Okay?
- [you see the kid Seth in a classroom]
- Seth: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom was where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think? So I would stash all my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day, I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard, all of a sudden...
- Kid: Pussy!
- [walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]
- Evan: You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
- Seth: Yeah. I know.
- [kid Becca picks up the drawing he just did, looks at it for a second, sees that it's a dick, and screams her head off and runs to the teacher]
- Seth: She starts crying, she flips out. Then she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fucking flips out.
- [you see more of his dick drawings one by one]
- Seth: He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is a religious fanatic, and he thinks I'm possessed by some sort of dick devil. My parents go make me see some therapist, and he's asking me all these dick questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles... You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
- Evan: Well, I don't... That's really messed up. Supergay.
- Seth: He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
- Evan: Fogell, I don't understand why you we're smoking cigarettes with those cops.
- Fogell: Because I fuckin' rule?
- Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best.
- Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
- Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
- Evan: She had back problems, man.
- Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
- Evan: It's not just making them smaller. They completely reshaped them. They make them more supple, symmetrical.
- Seth: I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
- [they run]
- Seth: I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.
- [last lines]
- Seth: [to Becca] I had such bad acne last year that I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff...
- [to Evan]
- Seth: You drove m...
- [to Becca]
- Seth: Evan drove me here though, so...
- Jules: Well, so, I mean, I have my dad's car... so I could just give you a lift... and then Evan can take Becca home. If that works... I dunno. If it's in your route.
- Becca: It'd be fine with me.
- Evan: Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food.
- Becca: Yeah, I'd like that.
- Seth: [to Evan] So, I guess I'll call you.
- Evan: Yeah, gimme a call. You have my number.
- Seth: I have your information. So, uh, put her there...
- [they shake hands]
- Evan: Perfect. Good. Alright man.
- Seth: Okay.
- Evan: Okay guys.
- Seth: Becca.
- Jules: Bye guys. See ya tomorrow.
- Becca: See ya Jules.
- [Jules and Seth go off leaving Evan and Becca]
- Officer Slater: [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
- Seth: Look at those nipples.
- Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
- Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
- Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
- Jesse: Hey, Seth.
- Seth: [scared and cautious] What?
- Jesse: Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday?
- Seth: [hesitantly] No.
- Jesse: Yeah.
- [Jesse spits on Seth's shirt]
- Jesse: You're not invited. Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't come either.
- [motions towards Evan]
- Seth: [Seth and Evan walk away together] So Jesse wanted me to tell you you're a fucking faggot and you're not invited to his grad party.
- Evan: You know you really bitched out back there man.
- Seth: I bitched out? You bitched out. Fucking Judas!
- Evan: What'd you want me to do? Dive in front of the spit...?
- Seth: I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Evan."
- Evan: Let's... go on my roof.
- Seth: [whispers] For sure.
- Becca: I am gonna give you the best blow J ever... with my mouth.
- Becca: [when Evan doesn't want to have sex with her because she's drunk] I don't understand why you have to be such a little bitch about it.
- Seth: Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in or around her mouth!
- Seth: Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.
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