Sexy à tout prix!

Surveillance Vido of an Empty Parking Lot Is A More Entertaining Way to Spend 90 Minutes. 'Awful' is way too kind of a word for this piece of garbage. And to think, crew people actually had to get out of bed in the morning and waste gas driving to the studio to make this movie. A waste of time, money and effort. The only thing NOT wasted here was talent, since no talent was used in the making of this stinker. Is Paris so broke that she has to stoop this low to get some cash. Offering to water my lawn would garner Paris more respect in the public arena than what she did on screen here. I hope the studio didn't spend more than $50 on the script. If they paid more, they got ripped off.

It's obvious a movie that's sole claim to fame is that it stars Paris Hilton is not going to be a masterpiece. In fact, it seems every movie Paris Hilton stars in ends up being a horrible mess, and this is no exception. The Hottie and the Nottie...let's just think about what a stupid and conceited title that is. When Paris Hilton was offered the role as "The Hottie" she should have turned it down, not just because the script felt like it was written by a 10 year old, but because she is playing "The Hottie". That sounds so conceited, especially since Paris Hilton isn't all she seems to think she is. The title is also stupid, and sounds about as mature as the actual script is, which is the maturity you might find in an elementary school bathroom.

Nate Cooper (Joel Moore, who seems to be a mixture of John Heder and Mike White) is dumped by his girlfriend and decides to go to Los Angeles to find and date Christabelle Abbot (Paris Hilton), the girl he was attracted to in the first grade. Christabelle is apparently so attractive that every time she goes jogging, all males stop their activities to stare at her mouth agape. He ends up becoming friends again with her, but she can't go out with him because she made a pact with her not so attractive best friend June Phigg (Christina Lakin). Nate tries to set up guys with June to get with Christabelle. As June begins to get procedures done to her to make her less ugly, Nate begins to become more attracted to her.

I believe earlier I said that June Phigg was not so attractive. Well that's an understatement. The make-up people made the normally attractive Christina Lakin as nasty looking as possible, with black and green teeth stubs, a balding head, and a terrible case of halitosis. Several times I had to turn away from the screen when they would base the humor around June's hideousness, because I felt like I was going to throw up.

The script is bad, unfunny, and along with that shows no development in character whatsoever. Nate begins to fall for June, but not until after she becomes pretty. Before that, he shows no interest in her at all. He didn't even like her personality, he cares simply about looks, so if any of the female characters were like him, they would be running for the hills from this doofy looking guy. In a romantic comedy (I guess you can call this that, despite the lack of romance or humor), you'd expect there to be someone looking for their true love, but not here. It's all about looks in this superficial waste of time. Also Nate is always lying to make himself seem hipper, and ends up seeming like an unfunny version of Seinfeld's George Costanza, mixed with a lobotomized Napolean Dynamite. The plot also makes little sense. This guy had a crush on this girl in the first grade, then moved. Who the heck keeps a crush on a girl he only knew for less than a year, that barely even knew him. He thinks back to his time in elementary school and really wants to see her...she was a little girl. It's almost pedophilic.

The acting is all around bad. Joel Moore is by far the best actor, and he doesn't even deserve to play extras in community theater. Paris Hilton has an annoying flirtatious delivery of each line, and I don't think that she was told to act this way, this is just her natural acting abilities. Christina Lakin also has very poor acting abilities, but also didn't really need any. Her role is to be there and look as nasty as possible, then later to look pretty. She has few lines in comparison to the two untalented leads, especially Joel who spouts out stupid lines every 2 seconds. The back-up cast is also terrible, including one guy, who plays Nate's stupid friend, who thinks he is so cool, he's credited as The Greg Wilson, after all it's super cool to put a "The" in front of your name.

I watched this movie, because I thought it might be one of those "So bad it's funny" experiences that you enjoy laughing about later with friends. This is not one of those movies. It's just bad, no wait, it's just terrible. The movie's sense of the humor is so bad, it actually almost made me feel sorry for the writer. If she thought what she was writing was good at all, then she is either completely delusional, or she might have a mental problem. I hope Heidi Ferrer, writer of this film, along with a few episodes of Dawson's Creek, will write a masterpiece and just leave this as a blemish on her booming career, but in the future not force contrived slop on the viewing public with any more screenplays like this.

Now, onto the positives. The camera direction wasn't bad. It was kind of flashy and nice looking at times. The beach this was shot at looked like it would be nice to go for a dip at. I guess that counts as a positive. Paris Hilton plays a terrible character, but at least she's a kind hearted one. And that's all I can think of.

If you can't tell, I hated this movie with a passion, and from it's current ranking of number 10 in the bottom 100, I can tell other people share my views on this cinematic massacre.

My rating: BOMB out of ****. 88 mins. PG-13 for language, and crude humor.

Just try and tell me you don't think the lead players had their roles all mixed up. Even as a tomboy on Step By Step, Lakin was a real hottie and knew how to make "boy" styles look cute. She deserves a whole lot better than this. Hilton's track record, on the other hand, speaks for itself. If Judge (Michael) Sauer had the power to indict her for bad acting, singing, and just plain performing overall, he'd lock the door, throw the key away, and make sure this nottie – with an Executive Producer credit, of all things! – never got out. I ragged on Madonna for her performance in Swept Away; compared side-by-side to H&N, she's Oscar material! If this aural and visual carnage never makes it to DVD or home video (trust me, it will), it'll be too soon.

Let's be honest: rom-coms frequently celebrate really questionable values and champion behavior that would land you a restraining order in real life. If this movie had had a little bit more self-awareness, it could have been a pretty good parody of the genre, but it takes itself way too seriously for that.

It starts out by stretching the "lovable loser" trope way past the breaking point. Our "hero", Nate, had a crush on a girl named Cristabel in the first grade, then his family moved across the country and he never saw her again. Now an "adult" (in years anyway), he's never gotten over this. He can't stay in a relationship, or even hold a job, because he can't get Cristabel off his mind. Rather than see a therapist, he decides he has seek her out. Since Google doesn't exist in this universe, he hops in his car (which definitely couldn't have made the trip) and drives across the country to find his first grade friend, Arno. It turns out Arno has also been obsessed with Cristabel since the first grade (what are the odds?). In fact, he's been stalking her his entire life, and has compiled a full dossier with the help of his mother, with whom he lives and has a very creepy relationship. Like Nate, he appears not to have a job. In spite of his lifelong obsession, he seems to have no personal interest in Cristabel, and has apparently just been waiting around for Nate to return so he can help him win her over.

He re-introduces himself to Cristabel, the eponymous "hottie", by tackling her while she's jogging. Rather than macing him like any sane person, she somehow charmed by him and says the only reason she won't date him is not that he's unattractive, broke, and generally has nothing going for him, but rather that she has to find someone for her "nottie" friend, June, who has also been around since the first grade, and the stakes are set.

In their quest to solve this problem, Nate and Arno will establish themselves to be truly loathsome individuals, but we're meant to ignore that because of the inherent nobility of first grade crushes.

If you've ever seen a rom-com, it won't be a spoiler to tell you that Nate encounters a rival who is everything he isn't: good looking, wealthy, athletic, charming, and talented. The thing is, this guy is also at least a good a person as Nate, probably better.

Anyway, yada, yada, you see the end coming a mile away, and we learn some valuable lessons about how important it is for women to be as attractive as possible if they ever want to be happy, and how important it is for men to, um...., have a pulse, I guess.

I was surprised to see this on the bottom 100 list, it was no way near that bad. I know that Paris Hilton is in it but you can tell from her performance in House of Wax that she can actually act, she should be seen as a proper actress for some roles. I mean nobody criticises Robert De Niro for Little Fockers because he has starred in films like Taxi Driver.

Anyway, this film had quite a few plot twists that I didn't expect and the end result was pretty satisfying. It is designed for a certain type of audience but I for one really enjoyed it. I would even go as far to say that it is in my top 10 favourite films. Really, try this film or you will definitely regret it. Subtle, yet brilliant.