- Steve Martin: To, uh, open the show, I always like to do one thing that is impossible.
- [holds up a straw]
- Steve Martin: So right now I'm going to suck this stool into my lungs.
- [makes an effort to do so]
- Steve Martin: Oh, darn.
- [throws away straw]
- Announcer: [voice over] Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.
- Chevy Chase: You know, a lot of times, I'm out for dinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquor drink or something like that or her date or her friend's date or something like that, you know, and they're all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me, he says, So, uh, what'll be? You know? And I just sort of smile and pop right up and say, "Milk, please!" You know why? Because I know that a single glass of delicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you aquick heart attack if you drink it too fast.
- Jeopardy! 1999 Announcer: [voice over] And our contestants will ease their troubled minds with the new Dial-A-Blank electro-shock kit. Forget anything you want with the twist of the dial. So effective, you won't remember you own own. Dial-A-Blank, from Leisure-tronics.
- Announcer: And now, 'Weekend Update' with Chevy Chase!
- Chevy Chase: [on the phone] No, you're not supposed to blow on it - that's just an expression.
- [notices the camera]
- Chevy Chase: I have to go.
- [hangs up the phone]
- Chevy Chase: Good evening! I'm Ron McKuen.