The Thirst: Blood War

Wow, where do start with this pile of shiz..

1. Who the hell plays on a PS1 in 2008?!

2. Tony Todd has officially extinguished all the goodwill he mustered by playing the Candyman and Captain Sisco's dad. He isn't so much slumming it here as eating fish bones from the dumpster.

3. This well oiled six-pack hunk in the lead might be able to fill out a white T-shirt, but an actor he ain't. Evertime he opens his mouth, you want to curl up in embarrassment. Oh. dear.

4. Who writes this dialogue anyway? Someone call child labour on these producers: I think they're illegally employing a bunch of kindergärtners to do their screenplay for them.

5. Where's the 'sexy seductress' promised in the plot synopsis? You don't mean the ugly old tart wrapped in cling-film, with more botox than Jane Fonda do you? Whoops.

6. The fight scenes are ssoooo pathetic, they should play an instrumental of Kung Fu Fighting in the background, and pretend it's supposed to be a comedy.

7. There is a highly camp black best friend who calls everyone dawgs and has a secret funky handshake with Mr Muscle. He might as well have STEREOTYPE tattooed on his head. But get this.. HE DOESN'T DIE. AMAZING.

8. Tru Blood, Twilight, Vampire Chronicles.. ENOUGH ALREADY. Especially when the end result is as dismal as it is here.

9. The Thirst: Blood War? That title.. SUCKS (Pun intended ho ho)

10.Seriously guys.. what's the deal with the PS1?!

The director is called Tom Shell, which is quite apt as you'll feel like a shell of a person after submitting yourself to this drivel. It also concludes with the threat of a sequel, to which I can only respond with the Wilheim Scream our hunk unleashes just before the end.

It's probably started filming even now, after all it shouldn't take Mr Shell too long to muster up the 7 new pence and half a packet of wine necessary to complete production. And that would still be more than they spent on the original.. 2/10

(2007) Blood Wars/ The Thirst: Blood War HORROR/ ACTION

Co-produced and directed by Tom Shell, another extremely low budget straight to rental film project that looked like it was done at a college campus, centering on a teenager, Will Hawkins (A. J. Draven) stumbling on an attempt vampire takeover between "Centuries" and "Fledglings", after accidentally stabbing one of the Century assailants. Also in this film are martial art monks to rid the environment of the hostile vampire takeover. Obvious influence from bigger budgeted films such as "Blade" and the "Underworld" movies except that it's full of mediocre acting and some of the cheesiest special effects ever captured on film. 1/2 out of 10.

This is the equivalent to Turkey a la King. You know, what your mother used to scrap together from Thanksgiving leftovers using gravy, the parts of the turkey no one wanted to eat and some rice. Well, enough about my childhood.

Anyway, what you have here are some actors who used to be name actors doing throwaway scenes so the directors can put their names on the cover, making you think that this is a better film than it actually is, mixed in with the usual vampire movie clichés.

What you have are some college kids who get mixed up in a fight between factions of vampires, and vampire hunters who have resisted the taste for blood, but are equally immortal. (No, I couldn't figure it out, either.) Lots of scenes with the head chick vampire trying to seduce the hero into the "dark side'.

Oh, yeah, and then there was the sound. It didn't sync up with the action, it seemed to be off by about a half second, so you see people keep talking after their lips have stopped moving. More annoying where the cutaways from the sex scenes. "Hey, you aren't paying me enough to actually take my clothes off, buster. That'll cost you extra!" You can imagine the lead actress saying before she goes back to her day-job as a stripper.

JoeB- watching bad movies so you don't have to.

Action?? Where...?

Comedy?? Well, they make a very very bad movie, worst then D movie, and too late, they saw what a mistake it was. What do they do then? Call it a Comedy!! Hahaha.. loooosers.

Horror?? Come on.. 2 drops of blood on a neck!! F/x is totally worst then zero.

Thriller?? lol!!!

C. Thomas Howell and Tony Todd!! For example.. In this movie!! Don't ask me why or how, it's over my head. I'm tired of all this low budget, low serious 'horror' movies. Why not try to make a good movie for a change...?

I recommend Hatchet and Feast instead...!!

// Cheers