The Witches of Breastwick

Right, well I was lead to believe that this 2005 movie "The Witches of Breastwick" from writer and director Jim Wynorski was a comedy spoof, though I have to admit that the movie's title was setting off an alarm. Yet, I opted to give the movie the benefit of the doubt. And with it being listed as a romantic fantasy here on IMDb, I figured that it might not be all that bad.

Boy was I wrong. "The Witches of Breastwick" is a softcore porn movie, through and through. And I turned off the movie not even 8 minutes into the ordeal. But by then there had been enough imitated sex scenes to indicate what kind of movie this was. And I just have no interest in watching that, life is too short for these kind of movies.

Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with a single actor or actress on the cast list, or performers might be a more adequate term to use here.

And I have zero interest in attempting to watch the remaining 70 minutes of the movie. I just have no interest in it whatsoever.

My rating of writer and director Jim Wynorski's 2005 movie "The Witches of Breastwick" lands on a one out of ten stars. A fun pun on the "Witches of Eastwick" movie, for sure, but the contents of this dumpster fire of a movie ain't worth the time of day.

First off it is very apparent to anyone with a proper brain simply by looking at the poster and seeing the cast of actors/ actresses, director what type of film this was intended.

Also the title is a clever and painfully obvious pun which couldn't be more clear that this film is clearly a softcore film.

Lots of large busty beautiful silky women showing skin or in skimpy outfits with over exaggerated soft core sex scenes with hyper extended music playing through such scenes.

The witchcraft aspect comes in immediately and we know who the bad witches are from the good ones.

I love the texture of the film. It's very vibrant and fun. The colors make everything stand out. The dialogue is very sharp and convincing.

Just to be brief if you just look at the prior review before mine's, you will get the picture. This "critic" blatantly states in his review that he only watched 8 minutes of this film before turning it off.

And apparently that is enough for him to warrant writing a review. There simply isn't anyone I despise more than him (whom will not be named) simply because he half a***s his reviews and watches films knowing he won't be interesting. I mean what's the point?

After watching this movie, I immediately ordered it off of Amazon. So I am personally looking forward to that. Now on to the sequel. Please allow this review!

If you like huge, fake breasts, then you will probably love this soft-core porn flick. The three witches (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Julie K. Smith, Stormy) and the mysterious girl (Taimie Hannum) all sport enormous man-made fun-bags, while the other chicks have partially synthetic hooters of various sizes. In fact, there's not a completely real breast in the whole movie (not including male actors, of course). If you prefer natural breasts as I do, then you are watching the wrong movie. However, as much as I hate large fake breasts, I will admit that this is still a better than average soft-core flick.

The plot is silly, but that's almost always true for soft-core, and personally, I prefer the silly or over-the-top stupid plots to the flicks that attempt a serious plot, like all the soft-core crime drama flicks. The acting is better than average for this type of movie, and the production values are pretty good, except for one sex scene shot half in the shadows and half in sunlight and another dimly lit one.

The first 30 minutes of this movie gets a little talky, but the last 45 minutes is pretty much wall-to-wall sex scenes. And all of the sex scenes are lengthy. Which is good, right? Who wants to watch 10 minutes of "plot" to get to 60 seconds of sex scene like in some soft-core flicks? I prefer 5 minute sex scenes separated by a couple of minutes of dialogue to setup who is going to do who next.

The five male/female sex scenes all range from better than average to very good. I especially like the scene with the witch Felicia (Stormy) and the dimly lit scene with the mystery girl (Taimie Hannum). Oddly, for me the most erotic scene in the movie is not one of the many sex scenes, but the lengthy striptease performed down a long conference table by the doctor's assistant (Jodie Moore).

Now for the two female threesome sex scenes, one in a hot tub and another in a bathtub. This is where the flick disappoints me the most. These scenes consist mostly of the girls wriggling, lightly caressing each other, and posing for the camera instead of attempting to simulate any type of sexual contact. And since they're half underwater, nothing's going on below the waist, and all those nice tails and legs are out of view. There are a few light kisses and nipple licks, but more fake ones than real ones. I hate it when a chick in soft-core pulls the old "I'm gonna kiss her on the mouth, but oops, I missed" or the old "I'm trying to lick her nipple but my tongue isn't long enough" nonsense. If the people who make hard-core or the "Girls Gone Wild" flicks can find girls who will actually french kiss each other and touch each other sexually, why can't the makers of most soft-core films find actresses who will at least act like they enjoy kissing and touching other girls?

As for rating the ladies, I found Stormy, Taimie Hannum and Julie K. Smith (as the witch Lola) all very appealing despite my preference for natural boobs. Monique Parent (as the wife) is one of my all-time favorite soft-core actresses. I've always loved her slender, tight, fair-skinned body and red hair, but now that she's hit 40 and added a few pounds, she's starting to look very average for this type of movie. Check her out in her older soft-core flicks. I loved Jodie Moore in her one scene. And as for Glori-Anne Gilbert (as the witch Rebecca), she didn't do it for me despite the fact that her facial features and husky voice constantly reminded me of Mira Sorvino.

Overall, a better than average soft-core flick, and if you love great big 'uns, a great soft-core flick.

It is unbelievable how many genre mistakes sneak up to IMDb. It says horror for this crap. From a title, it was obvious to me that it is an erotic movie, but I was curious how they managed to combine erotic and horror into one movie. The answer is - they did not! This is plain soft porn and kind that will disappoint both fans of horror and fans of porn. Complete failure.

3/10

As another commentator stated, this is follow-up by Wynorski, using a lot of the same cast and crew from his LUST CONNECTION film. That was a great piece of soft-core film-making, if not in plot, but rather in its erotic elements. This is just as good, with a cast of women who, while they will never win Oscars, are just right for the job. First up is the trio of "witches" and all three bring their big-busted, beautiful selves to the game. Glori-Anne Gilbert and Julie K. Smith have never looked better, and Stormy (aka the fantasy girl in 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN) is a sight to behold. Also, while she doesn't have the top-heavy assets of her co-stars, Monique Parent holds her own here. A good decade since her heyday, Parent is still scorching, and her sex scenes are so intense, you will think they were the real thing.