In the Little Mansion

I cannot stress enough bad this thing is. It's basically like getting anthrax in the mail; it's on the "Night Chills" HORROR set, and when you pop in the DVD, expecting an awful horror movie, you get the proprietor of all Lifetime channel movies. That's bad, by the way.

I'll admit that the other movies on the set are nothing to write home about (unless you hate your family, whereupon I would highly encourage you to recommend this movie to them). Some of them are among the worst things I've ever seen, but mixing this... thing into it is nearly sacrilegious.

Some of you might want to know some basic plot. I'll recite as much of it as I can without throwing up on my keyboard. A stupid, ugly wife is supposedly dead. All of her stupid, ugly suitors are upset. (As a side note, only one suitor isn't ugly. He's like a cross between Fabio and Orlando Bloom, which is why I'm ashamed of him the most out of all the characters. C'mon, man! You can do so much better than Stupid Ghost Wife.) The wife appears as a "ghost" to remind her family that no matter what, she will always be there to annoy them with her dumb, incessant laugh and her stupid, ugly face. Basically, the rest of the movie is spent watching the suitors proceed in their everlasting quest to make you smash in your TV out of sheer hatred. Don't succumb, though. If you do that, then the terrorists have already won.

As for the dialogue, imagine that creepy goth kid in your high school poetry class. Now, take the worst poem he's ever written, and stretch it into a screenplay. Pepper in some horny ugly old people, take away anything lines about Nine Inch Nails or blood, and you've got In The Little Mansion! Actually, that's not fair to the Goth community. Even the worst writers among them could do miles better than this.

The music is perhaps the least bad thing about the movie. It's just one boring piano piece repeated over and over. It compliments the movie nicely in that it adds to the feeling that you're in Hell and the pain will never stop.

I can't really fit much more here, so I'll wrap it up. This movie isn't just bad. It's definitely not fun-bad, and it somehow manages to go beyond bad-bad. It's better described as being soul-suckingly bad. It's boring, long and atrociously written. No sum of pejoratives could properly describe this movie's taint upon my soul. Don't ever watch it. To do so would be a great disservice to your family, your country, and most importantly, yourself.

IN THE LITTLE MANSION is a ghost story about a woman who has an affair with a long-winded poet, only to be smothered by her husband. Returning from the grave, the woman decides to save the energy it would take to properly haunt the house. Instead, she just hangs around being a dull, droning nuisance.

The uninteresting specter just mills about talking... and talking... and talking.

Others join in, milling around themselves, yacking and musing importantly.

That's pretty much it.

Watching this hogwash is like being drowned in a vat of fertilizer-flavored Jell-o. Your eyes burn, your ears and nose are clogged, but you can still taste it as the life leaves your body..