- Jeffrey Ross: Jerry Seinfeld couldn't be here tonight. He had a prior engagement to fuck a model on a pile of cash.
- Jeffrey Ross: [to Janeane Garofalo] What was that movie you made with Ben, "Mystery Men"? That movie was so bad, I fired my agent! Gene Siskel was going to review that movie, but he took the easy way out!
- Jeffrey Ross: As you can see, the rest of the cast of "Seinfeld" couldn't be here tonight. Apparently, they broke their backs carrying Jerry Seinfeld for eight years.
- Susie Essman: Maury Povich is here. You know Maury, I've always wondered why you married Connie Chung and then I realized, we all know Jews love to eat Chinese!