The Apprentice

When The Apprentice UK appeared, I regretted the fact that it bumped the American version off prime-time; I never felt that Lord SrAlan (or just 'SrAlan' as he was then) was any substitute for Trump - this was before Trump became the world's most dangerous moron, of course.

I read recently that Lord SrAlan is getting sick of it now, though, and I don't blame him: I'm sick of it too. Where do they find these people: year after year, a batch even more stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant and ungracious than the last? You can't imagine for one moment that any of them would be any use in business, I guess all they really want is a TV career.

When in last night's episode a guy who is pitching an ice-cream business couldn't make ice-cream, I felt like banging my head against the wall. But why did he fail? Because he tried to screw the customer a little too hard, passing off the cheapest rubbish he could produce as 'premium'. That's the ethos they all have - it's depressing. Then there's that awful woman who is actually a school librarian, but seems to think she's Lady Diana Spencer. You just want a 16-ton weight dropped on the lot of them: how much more can we take?

It's gonna reach the point soon where it's more excruciating than entertaining (not least because of Lord SrAlan's own awful gags, he really needs a new writer). In fact I'm not sure we're not already there.

The Apprentice

I have watched this show from the start and in all that time Alan Sugar has made but one mistake in keeping a candidate on a further week when someone else should have gone, (Stuart Baggs) this very fact underpins the very real and identifiable skills that are required in the changing world of business. Of course these are very different skills from a profession that does not have a product or need to sell or market.

The candidates have often already risen to the top of the pile through avarice and it is for this reason and the constant refreshing of the format that keeps this show at the top of its game.

If I was to acknowledge a weakness it is the creeping political correctness and it's often London centric concerns that reflect the aberration of the metropolis and its peddling of liberal authoritarianism. The programme must always reflect the wider UK to maintain is relevance and preeminence.

Tom Allen on your fired is the best since Adrian Chiles

Now in its fifth series, 'The Apprentice' has 14 candidates for a top job with Sir Alan Sugar's group of companies - carrying out a range of tasks (face painting, washing cars, cooking, making a TV commercial, launching a product, selling sandwiches, etc.) in order to be in the winning team at the end of the day.

With catchphrases like 'this is a job interview from hell' and, carried over from the US version, 'You're fired', it can come across a bit more reality TV than business acumen. The eventual winners have ranged from nice Tim to liar Lee to dim Michelle to er, the other one. Strong characters tend to stay in until the last few weeks to give the viewer something to loathe.

Sir Alan's aides, Nick and Margaret, are good value to watch, their expressions showing their disdain for the candidates as they flunk one task after another. And yes, these high flyers are dim - the scary thing is that the candidates have top salary jobs outside of 'The Apprentice'! As a reality show, it's watchable and fun - even though the last two series have had candidates who play up to the camera more than their predecessors. As a business programme, it's fairly useless - even the tasks have got less interesting as the series has progressed.

Why are we - the British tax payers - paying for this absolute piece of garbage? 14 seasons of a complete and utter non-entity (Alan Sugar) - the epitome of capitalism gone wrong - braying, bullying, abusing and manipulating so-called contestants for a prize that seems to be absolutely worthless - employment by him. Could I, as a business man, bet the BBC to fund my 'talent' search? I don't think so... Could we please place this rubbish in the receptacles provided - or better still, just flush the entire, stupid idea... so that'll reside in posterity, along with Sugar - in its fitting home.

'The Apprentice' is labelled as the interview from hell, and it is certainly no walk in the park. A range of aspirants from wide-ranging backgrounds are formed into two teams and must attempt to make the most amount of money in a variety of tasks, with one member from each of the losing team getting fired after each task until only one person is left.

The decision to have Sir Alan Sugar head the show was inspired as though he may not be the richest entrepreneur in Britain, his gruff, no-nonsense manner works very well on television and better I suspect than someone like Richard Branson. His sidekicks Margaret Mountford and Nick Hewer are also great value with their world-weary sarcasm and their ability to say more with a lifted eyebrow than anybody since Roger Moore in 'The Saint.' Sir Alan makes tough and controversial decisions about who gets fired each week and though as a viewer you may not agree with his choice, ultimately it is up to him as he will have to pay the winner's wage packet. With some tasks taking place over several days, we get to see what the editor wanted to some degree and not necessarily a 100% accurate reflection of events, but The Apprentice is supposed to be entertaining and not a documentary about business practises.

There are frequent accusations of bullying being encouraged by the programme. While it is true that the candidates will often do their best to stab each other in the back whenever possible, there is some satisfaction in seeing the negative tactics leading to the failure of the task and the possibility of them being fired. There is even more to be had when people who claim in front of the camera to be able to able to crush anybody in their way turn into jellyfish when they get into the boardroom. The tension mounts considerably as the series goes on, as the obviously weaker candidates get filtered out and there is less room to hide behind other people when things go wrong (as they frequently do). Some of the bitchiness and aggressiveness must come from the pressure on the candidates which must be enormous, increased by the television cameras and in particular when for most of them being the winner would be a massive opportunity.

I can't help but feel that the quality of the candidates has declined since the first season as now the producers probably have to wade through applications from people who failed the Big Brother audition. Also the fact that some of the losers have managed to carve out TV careers for themselves probably boosts the attraction for fame-hungry applicants. It is certainly worrying if the 14 finalists represent the greatest business potential in the UK, though in fairness in the business world a £100,000 salary is probably not enough incentive to attract the best who are on more than this money already.

For once a winning format has managed to cross the Atlantic and actually last unlike so many others in the past decade and appears to be here to stay for a good while yet.